This Week with David Brinkley
David Brinkley…..Mark McKinney
Sam Donaldson…..Kevin Nealon
George Will…..Michael McKean
Bob Dole…..Dan Aykroyd
[ open on show logo ] [ dissolve to the set of “This Week with David Brinkley”, where Sam Donaldson, George Will, David Brinkley, and Bob Dole are seated in a row ]
David Brinkley: We’re back. I’m David Brinkley. Well, the 1996 presidential election is still a year and a half away, but already the field of Republican hopefuls is crowded.. with the likes of Phil Gramm.. Lamar Alexander.. Pat Buchanan.. and, here with us in the studio, Senate Majority Leader Robert Dole. Senator Dole, thank you for joining us this morning.
Bob Dole: Thank you, David. Thank you. Thank you, you know, actually, I’ve been here in the studio since last week – in fact, I’ve never left. I’ve done three “Nightline”s, a couple of “Good Morning America”s, a “Day One”, a “Primetime Live”.. I was gonna go home and take a shower, but, you know, it’s more trouble than it’s worth, and.. well, I brought along a couple of extra neckties, so I’m good ’til Wednesday!
David Brinkley: Senator, you know Sam Donaldson and George Will.
Bob Dole: Yes. Which reminds me, Sam. I found your library card. [ retrieves card from his back pocket, hands it to Sam ]
Sam Donaldson: Really? You did?
Bob Dole: Yeah, it was under the coach in the green room back there.
Sam Donaldson: Well, thank you.
Bob Dole: That’s where I slept last night. I’d just finished “World News Tonight”, it was.. three a.m., I had to get up for “Good Morning America”, so I jsut crashed here.
David Brinkley: George?
George Will: Senator, you’ve been a very visible presence in the morning news shows, CNN and so on. Is there not a danger or perception that you’re taking your presidential candidacy more seriously than your responsibilities in the Senate?
Bob Dole: Well, George, the Contract with America, as you know, is rapidly moving through the House. I expect that we in the Senate will have a few things to say about it. Bob Dole’s gonna work around the clock to see that it gets passed. You see, at my age you don’t need to sleep like these young guys do – your Phil Gramms, your Lamar Alexanders, and so forth. Bob Dole sleeps 45 minutes a night! On that couch in the green room.
David Brinkley: Yes, but.. Senator.. the Senate, unlike the House, is a —
Bob Dole: I eat less, too. Now, the average 180-pound man needs 3,000 calories a day just to function. Bob dole does it on 200! That’s six Saltines and an eight-ounce glass of root beer. That’s all I need!
David Brinkley: Sam?
Sam Donaldson: Senator Dole.. in this election, most observers agree that the race is yours to lose, and that you’re playing it safe. Is that, perhaps, why, so far, we’ve only seen Bob Dole the statesman, and not the other Bob Dole – Bob Dole the hatchet man of the ’76 campaign, the time-bomb waiting to go off of ’88?
Bob Dole: [ chuckles nervously ] Well, Sam, I didn’t know you felt that way..
Sam Donaldson: Oh, but seriously, Senator, how long can you keep your famous dark side under control?[ close-up on Bob Dole ]
Bob Dole: [ chuckles nervously again ] [ Bob Dole as a haloed angel pops up over Dole’s right shoulder ]
Bob Dole’s Angel: Stay calm, you’re the front runner; it’s not worth it. Don’t let him provoke you.[ Bob Dole as a horned Devil pops up over Dole’s left shoulder ]
Bob Dole’s Devil: Are you gonna take guff from that impudent freak? Come on, lose your temper! Fly off the handle! Go nuts![ back to wide shot of the group ]
Bob Dole: Well, Sam, maybe Bob Dole has mellowed over the years. It’s one of those advantages of being my age. Here’s another one: I don’t have to buy clothes as often. I’ve been the same suit size for twenty years – 40 long!
Sam Donaldson: But what about the Bob Dole who, in the ’76 Vice-Presidential debate, said that Vietnam and World War 2 were, quote, “Democrat wars”?[ cut back to Bob Dole surrounded by his angel and devil ]
Bob Dole’s Devil: They were Democrat wars! Tell him, you coward!
Bob Dole’s Angel: No! That’s the same advice you gave twenty years ago, and it cost us the election!
Bob Dole’s Devil: Stop lying about my record![ back to wide shot of the group ]
George Will: Senator Dole, you.. you’re sitting there silently, and I notice an angel Bob Dole and a devil Bob Dole sitting on your shoulder arguing.
Bob Dole: George, I’m not gonna sit here today and discuss my angel and devil!
George Will: Alright, fair enough, but let me ask you this: some of your critics are beginning to wonder if you stand for anything. Does your vision of a Bob Dole presidency involve anything more than just Bob Dole being president?[ cut back to Bob Dole surrounded by his angel and devil ]
Bob Dole’s Devil: That’s it! We don’t have to listen to that! We deserve to be president! We’ve earned it! We’re 71 years old! Get him!
Bob Dole’s Angel: I agree with him! We’ve paid our dues, and it’s high time someone wiped that smirk off George Will’s face! You know it, I know it, the American people know! Get him![ back to wide shot of the group ]
Bob Dole: You don’t think I stand for anything, George?! [ jumps to his feet ] Well, I’ll stand now to give you the beating of your life!! Get up! I’ll show you how a septugenarian does it!
George Will: [ stands, removes his microphone ] This conversation has crossed the bounds of civility. [ runs off the set ]
Bob Dole: That’s right! Run away, George! Tell them you backed down from a fight with a 71-year-old one-armed man! [ waves his good fist at Sam Donaldson ] You want a piece of this?!
Sam Donaldson: This is the Bob Dole I was talking about.
Bob Dole: Well, take a good look, before I punch your lights out! [ Sam Donaldson runs for his life ] You, too, Brinkley! Get going! [ David Brinkley flees the studio ] Turn those cameras off! I’m tired.. I’m sleepy.. I want to take a nap. [ sits ] One more thing..[ Bob Dole’s angel and devil reappear ]
Together: ..”Live.. from New York.. it’s Saturday Night!”