SNL Transcripts: John Goodman: 03/25/95: Dog Park



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 20: Episode 16






94p: John Goodman / The Tragically Hip

Dog Park

Owner…..John Goodman
Kathy…..Laura Kightlinger
Boo…..Adam Sandler
Steve…..Chris Farley

FADE IN:

[ NYC – DOG PARK – DAY ] [ Various canine owners watch their pets play. A MALE OWNER and KATHY glance at the pets in the park on a bench. ]

Owner: Beautiful dog run, don’t you think?

Kathy: Yeah.

Owner: Yeah – it’s nice they carve some room for these little ‘fellas to run around.

Kathy: Yeah, New York’s getting nicer.

Owner: I’m an animal lover. So what’s yours?

[ Kathy points her right hand out. ]

Kathy: I got the Border Collie. See him? Right over there…

Owner: Oh, yeah! There he is. It’s a beautiful animal. Gosh, I love animals!

Kathy: Yeah. Me, too.

Owner: Animals – I love them! I guess I’m a softie that way. Family-man type.

Kathy: Yeah… So which one’s yours?

[ He points his left hand out to BOO, a man dressed in a cheap Dalmatian costume, barking and hopping around the other dogs. ]

Owner: There he is – the big one! You see him there?

Kathy: Yeah, he’s huge!

Owner: Yeah, yeah, that’s Boo, all right! Boy, I love to see him out there without a leash. Hey, hey! Come on, boy, catch!

[ The owner tosses Boo a tennis ball. A German Shepherd catches it, which angers Boo, who in turn growls and taunts it. The owner and Kathy laugh. ]

Owner: Good Boo!

[ The owner laughs some more as Boo return the tennis ball with his mouth. }

Owner: Yeah, makes the trip worth coming here. Plus, meeting nice people like yourself.

Kathy: You know, he’s kind of a weird-looking dog. I mean, I’m sorry. I just…

Owner: No, it’s all right. He’s, uh, inbred. That’s why he’s got the weird face and all. Damn breeders, they’re out of control!

Kathy: I read about that.

Owner: Sure. Cover of “Time”. They take them and then they keep breeding them to get this perfect look and then they ruin the poor things.

[ Boo grabs the German Shepherd by its hind legs and starts sniffing its rear. ]

Owner: Poor Boo was a reject. Yeah, I took him in because they were about to put him to sleep. It breaks your heart. I just love animals.

[ Boo grabs various dogs by their backsides and tries humping them. ]

Owner: He’s a frisky ‘fella! You can’t take that away from him!

Kathy: Yeah, you know, it just seems weird. I mean, he’s almost human.

Owner: Yeah. A lot of them seem like that.

Kathy: I mean it’s sweet that you saved him and everything, but, uh, it’s, uh, kind of disturbing.

[ Boo grabs a female dog and starts humping it with vigor. ]

Owner: You know, that’s not always a sex thing. They do that to show dominance.

Kathy: Right.

Owner: Yeah. I’m kind of a dog aficionado, I guess.

Kathy: Uh-huh.

[ Boo moves to a corner, stands up, and begins urinating. ]

Owner: See, now he’s marking his territory. That’s what they do. He’s saying, “This is mine.”

Kathy: You know what? Maybe it’s just that I’ve never seen a dog like that. Is he dangerous?

Owner: Oh, no! Come here, champ. He loves people.

[ Boo comes to his owner. ]

Owner: Come here. Attaboy. That’s it, Boo. That’s it, Boo. Now say hi to, uh — geez, I never did get your name?

Kathy: Kathy. That’s okay.

[ Boo tries to lick Kathy’s face and starts humping her left leg. ]

Owner: He loves you! Oh, you made a friend.

Kathy: I like dogs, but really… Oh, okay. Now, stop now. Stop it!

Owner: Hey! You heard her, Boo!

Kathy: All right, get down!

Owner: He loves you!

Kathy: Stop it. Stop! Get him off now!

Owner: He really likes you!

Kathy: Yeah, I can see that.

[ Boo grabs onto Kathy as she gets up. Kathy knees Boo in the groin. Boo limps over to his owner, who holds him close as he gets up from the bench. ]

Kathy: You are a couple of freaks!

[ Kathy points to Boo. ]

Kathy: You are the sickest guy I’ve ever met!

[ She then points to the owner. ]

Kathy: And you are somehow even worse. A “dog lover,” you make me sick.

Owner: Look, I don’t care what you say about me. But don’t hurt Boo. I can handle your nonsense but I’ve worked hard to get Boo to feel good about himself again. Boo is a real dog and don’t you ever say otherwise!

[ STEVE, a large man dressed in an equally cheap, brown canine costume, steps into the park. ]

Steve: Sorry I’m late!

[ Steve assimilates himself with the other dogs. ]

Kathy: That’s it! I’m going to report you! Hey, over here!

[ Kathy waves her arms. ]

Owner: Hey, Steve!

Kathy: Hey, Police!

Owner: Steve!

[ Steve lifts his back leg and pretends to urinate and gets up. ]

Steve: Hey, where are you guys going!?

Kathy: Over here! Somebody!?

[ All three huddle. ]

Owner: Come here. All right – Plan B: Horse Park in Central Park. Carriage shed. 5:30 tomorrow.

[ All three nod their heads in unison and depart. ]

Kathy: Police! Get those two big dogs! Police!

[ fade ]

Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts

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