Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 20: Episode 16
FADE IN:[ NYC DOG PARK DAY ] [ Various canine owners watch their pets play. A MALE OWNER and KATHY glance at the pets in the park on a bench. ]
Owner: Beautiful dog run, dont you think?
Owner: Yeah – its nice they carve some room for these little fellas to run around.
Kathy: Yeah, New Yorks getting nicer.
Owner: Im an animal lover. So whats yours?[ Kathy points her right hand out. ]
Kathy: I got the Border Collie. See him? Right over there
Owner: Oh, yeah! There he is. Its a beautiful animal. Gosh, I love animals!
Kathy: Yeah. Me, too.
Owner: Animals – I love them! I guess Im a softie that way. Family-man type.
Kathy: Yeah So which ones yours?[ He points his left hand out to BOO, a man dressed in a cheap Dalmatian costume, barking and hopping around the other dogs. ]
Owner: There he is – the big one! You see him there?
Kathy: Yeah, hes huge!
Owner: Yeah, yeah, thats Boo, all right! Boy, I love to see him out there without a leash. Hey, hey! Come on, boy, catch![ The owner tosses Boo a tennis ball. A German Shepherd catches it, which angers Boo, who in turn growls and taunts it. The owner and Kathy laugh. ]
Owner: Good Boo![ The owner laughs some more as Boo return the tennis ball with his mouth. }
Owner: Yeah, makes the trip worth coming here. Plus, meeting nice people like yourself.
Kathy: You know, hes kind of a weird-looking dog. I mean, Im sorry. I just
Owner: No, its all right. Hes, uh, inbred. Thats why hes got the weird face and all. Damn breeders, theyre out of control!
Kathy: I read about that.
Owner: Sure. Cover of Time. They take them and then they keep breeding them to get this perfect look and then they ruin the poor things.[ Boo grabs the German Shepherd by its hind legs and starts sniffing its rear. ]
Owner: Poor Boo was a reject. Yeah, I took him in because they were about to put him to sleep. It breaks your heart. I just love animals.[ Boo grabs various dogs by their backsides and tries humping them. ]
Owner: Hes a frisky fella! You cant take that away from him!
Kathy: Yeah, you know, it just seems weird. I mean, hes almost human.
Owner: Yeah. A lot of them seem like that.
Kathy: I mean its sweet that you saved him and everything, but, uh, its, uh, kind of disturbing.[ Boo grabs a female dog and starts humping it with vigor. ]
Owner: You know, thats not always a sex thing. They do that to show dominance.
Owner: Yeah. Im kind of a dog aficionado, I guess.
Kathy: Uh-huh.[ Boo moves to a corner, stands up, and begins urinating. ]
Owner: See, now hes marking his territory. Thats what they do. Hes saying, This is mine.
Kathy: You know what? Maybe its just that Ive never seen a dog like that. Is he dangerous?
Owner: Oh, no! Come here, champ. He loves people.[ Boo comes to his owner. ]
Owner: Come here. Attaboy. Thats it, Boo. Thats it, Boo. Now say hi to, uh — geez, I never did get your name?
Kathy: Kathy. Thats okay.[ Boo tries to lick Kathys face and starts humping her left leg. ]
Owner: He loves you! Oh, you made a friend.
Kathy: I like dogs, but really Oh, okay. Now, stop now. Stop it!
Owner: Hey! You heard her, Boo!
Kathy: All right, get down!
Owner: He loves you!
Kathy: Stop it. Stop! Get him off now!
Owner: He really likes you!
Kathy: Yeah, I can see that.[ Boo grabs onto Kathy as she gets up. Kathy knees Boo in the groin. Boo limps over to his owner, who holds him close as he gets up from the bench. ]
Kathy: You are a couple of freaks![ Kathy points to Boo. ]
Kathy: You are the sickest guy Ive ever met![ She then points to the owner. ]
Kathy: And you are somehow even worse. A dog lover, you make me sick.
Owner: Look, I dont care what you say about me. But dont hurt Boo. I can handle your nonsense but Ive worked hard to get Boo to feel good about himself again. Boo is a real dog and dont you ever say otherwise![ STEVE, a large man dressed in an equally cheap, brown canine costume, steps into the park. ]
Steve: Sorry Im late![ Steve assimilates himself with the other dogs. ]
Kathy: Thats it! Im going to report you! Hey, over here![ Kathy waves her arms. ]
Owner: Hey, Steve!
Kathy: Hey, Police!
Owner: Steve![ Steve lifts his back leg and pretends to urinate and gets up. ]
Steve: Hey, where are you guys going!?
Kathy: Over here! Somebody!?[ All three huddle. ]
Owner: Come here. All right – Plan B: Horse Park in Central Park. Carriage shed. 5:30 tomorrow.[ All three nod their heads in unison and depart. ]
Kathy: Police! Get those two big dogs! Police![ fade ]
Submitted by: Cody Downs