Unsolved Mysteries


Unsolved Mysteries

Robert Stack…..Dan Aykroyd

Announcer: [ over SUPER ] “This program is about unsolved mysteries. Whenever possible, the actual family members and police officials have participated in re-creating the events. What you are about to see is not a news broadcast.”

Robert Stack V/O: Approximately 14 to 18 billion years ago, a massive explosion of carbon-based gaseous materials banded together in what scientists have come to call “The Big Bang”, creating the phenomenon known as existence.

[ show Robert Stack ]

Robert Stack: Where did this matter originate? What existed before this cataclysmic event? Is the universe expanding or is it contracting? Join me tonight, as we attempt to answer these questions.. on “Unsolved Mysteries”.

[ show logo and opening montage appears ]

Robert Stack V/O: In 1956, on a beach near Well Fleet, Massachusetts, a 32-year-old hotel maid, Dora Pasquin, discovers a cryptic message which washes up on shore in an empty Vodka bottle. Upon reading the message, the woman went mad, and vanished, taking whatever was written with her.

Robert Stack: Scientists believe, whatever was contained in this bottle, holds the key to unlocking the origin of all known matter.

Robert Stack V/O: Then, in 1977, Pasquin’s illegitimate son, Don Bolton, after contacting authorities at the Massachusetts Department of Child Welfare, was able to discover the whereabouts of his real brothers and sisters. Still, no trace of the mysterious message could be found, although the family had managed to keep the bottle, which their mother had dropped over twenty years ago.

Robert Stack: Don Bolton died, shortly after this joyous reunion. But not before he revealed the whereabouts of a safety deposit box key, which fit the lock to a personal vault in the basement of the Fleet Savings Bank in Fairhaven, Massachusetts.

Robert Stack V/O: Inside, Don’s sister found some old letters, which alluded to the location of a strongbox, hidden in the old slave quarters of a long-abandoned Louisiana plantation.

Robert Stack: The search of the plantation house turned up nothing. But the family of Dora Pasquin and the world scientific community have not given up hope. If you have any information as to the origin of all matter, the creation of life as we know it, the cause of the Big Bang, the reason for the absorption of life by black holes, the true reactions of mezons, muons and bozons to each other, or anything which could lead us to an accurate measure of the Crown Nebula, please contact the Well Fleet City Police Department, or call our toll-free number. You can help us solve the mystery.

[ show logo ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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