The Penis Measuring Machine


The Penis Measuring Machine

… Chris Elliott
1st Traveler … John Goodman
2nd Traveler … Kevin Nealon
Hare Krishna … Mark McKinney
Newscaster … Michael McKean
… Lorne Michaels

[Aerial view of a modern airport. SUPER: THE NEWDENVER AIRPORT – Dissolve to the interior of the busyairport terminal. Standing in front of the restroomdoors, cast member Chris Elliott plays the role of apollster. He wears a dark sweater over a shirt and tieand makes notes on a clipboard. A man with a travelbag emerges from the men’s room and Elliott greetshim.]

Chris Elliott: Hi! Excuse me, sir. I’m arepresentative of the New Denver Airport here.

1st Traveler: Hi.

Chris Elliott: Hi, how are ya? Um, and I’mtaking a poll and I’m wondering if I could have amoment of your time.

1st Traveler: Okay.

Chris Elliott: Great. How are you enjoying thenew airport so far?

1st Traveler: Oh, very much so. Thearchitecture alone is spectacular.

Chris Elliott: Yes, it is, isn’t it? Have youbeen taking advantage of our new moving sidewalkswhich enable you to travel from one departure gate tothe next with the greatest of ease?

1st Traveler: Yes, as a matter of fact, I have.See, if I have a layover, I just ride the movingsidewalks back and forth, just for the fun ofit.

Chris Elliott: [laughs heartily] They are fun,aren’t they?

1st Traveler: Yes, they are.

Chris Elliott: Okay, [reads from clipboard] and- if the Denver Airport supplied a service free ofcharge to measure your penis, um … would that be ofany interest to you?

1st Traveler: [frowns, after a pause]No.

Chris Elliott: Okay. Thank you very much, sir.Enjoy your flight.

[The traveler nods and exits as Elliott makes notes onhis clipboard. A second traveler emerges from themen’s room.]

Chris Elliott: Hi! Excuse me, sir. Uh, I’m arepresentative of the New Denver Airport here and I’mtaking a poll and, actually, the first question I’dlike to ask you is: where are you travelingto?

2nd Traveler: Waterloo, Iowa.

Chris Elliott: Okay. And is that business orpleasure?

2nd Traveler: That would be pleasure.

Chris Elliott: Oh, boy, I envy you. Have youhad any trouble, uh, with our new computerized baggagecarousel?

2nd Traveler: No. No problems.

Chris Elliott: Okay, fine. Now, if the NewDenver Airport, uh, offered a service whereby yourpenis would be measured quickly and, uh, with ninetypercent accuracy, and at no cost to you, the wearytraveler … would that be of any interest to you,sir?

2nd Traveler: [slight pause] I would have toknow more.

Chris Elliott: Well, it would be a, uh, simplemachine about, uh, [puts hand at level of his navel]yea-high, um, mounted most likely in the men’s room orperhaps a discreet corner of the airport terminalitself.

2nd Traveler: Would the device itself beheated?

Chris Elliott: [nods] It would be heated, uh,self-cleaning and, uh, provided in a smoke-freeenvironment.

2nd Traveler: Hmm. What exactly would itdo?

Chris Elliott: Well, after it measures you, uh,you would get a wallet-sized, laminated card, uh, withyour measurements on it, um, and then that informationwould be fed to our mainframe computer in El Paso,Texas.

2nd Traveler: What purpose would thatbe?

Chris Elliott: Well, in case you lose your cardor it’s stolen, um … you or a verified family membercan, uh, access that information, ah, simply bydialing our 1-900 number.

2nd Traveler: Uh … no, I wouldn’t beinterested.

Chris Elliott: [nods] All right, thank you verymuch, sir. [traveler exits] Enjoy your flight.

[A grinning Hare Krishna carrying a handful of flowersapproaches Elliott.]

Chris Elliott: Hi! How are you, sir? Could Iask you a–

Hare Krishna: [enthusiastic] Yes!

Chris Elliott: Well, you don’t know what I’mgoing to ask you–

Hare Krishna: Yes, I do. You want to know if Iwant my penis measured by a machine.

Chris Elliott: [amused] Well, as a matter offact, that’s exactly what I want to ask you.

Hare Krishna: Well, I would! And I’d like itdone right now!

Chris Elliott: Well, I’m afraid that’simpossible, sir, because those machines have not beeninvented yet.

Hare Krishna: [disappointed] Oh. That’s toobad.

Chris Elliott: Yes. That IS too bad. [dropsclipboard on the ground, breaks character, turns tostudio audience and camera] Ladies and gentlemen, thatis the end of our sketch here. [applause, Elliottraises his arms] Um, no. Please. Hold your applause.[crowd quiets]

Um, I – I don’t know if they’ve yanked me off the air.No one knows that I’m going to do this. Um, I knowmany of you may have felt that this was an infantilesketch and, under other circumstances, I would agreewith you. But, please understand, this was not a sceneabout the new airport in Denver, Colorado. I couldcare less about the new airport in Denver, Colorado.[dead serious] This scene was about the future.Because, in the future, such devices as the ones – theone depicted in our little send-up WILL exist.

[Behind Elliott, fellow cast member Mark McKinney, theHare Krishna, nods in agreement.]

And that’s why, [sighs] after, well, almost tenglorious years as a cast member here at Saturday NightLive, I am now leaving the show. [to McKinney whosteps forward] No, Mark, I am. [some in the crowd say”awww”] No, no, no, stop. [removing his necktie] I’vealready left my family, I’m moving to the desert and Iam going to invent the Penis Measuring Machine. Thankyou. [hugs McKinney, hands him his necktie] Goodbye,Mark. Here’s my tie.

[waves to the crowd] Goodbye to all of you. [cheersand applause] Thank you for all the years of joy andhappiness. [hugs an audience member] You’re wonderful.You’ve all been wonderful. Goodbye. Oh, thank you.[hugs another audience member] Please know that thereare people, especially at this show, that do not wantme to build the Penis Measuring Machine for obviousreasons. So, if anything should happen to me, theprototype for– the blueprints for the prototype ofthe machine are buried underneath my garage. Thankyou! Goodbye!

[Cheers and applause as Elliott exits. Cut to thehallway outside the studio where the image hasswitched from color to black-and-white. A sizablecrowd mills around outside the two doors markedSATURDAY NIGHT LIVE. A newscaster’s voice isheard.]

Newscaster V/O: This has come as quite a shock,the announcement by Chris Elliott that he is leavingthe show. Oh, there he is, there he is.

[Elliott emerges through the doors and, holding hiswrists together as if he were handcuffed, isimmediately joined by a tall man in a cowboy hat andSNL producer Lorne Michaels who soberly lead him bythe arms down the hallway in the same manner thatalleged JFK assassin Lee Harvey Oswald was led fromDallas Police Headquarters one fateful day in 1963.Without his necktie, Elliott resembles Oswald. Thecrowd trails along behind them as photographers’flashbulbs pop and the newscaster describes thescene.]

Newscaster V/O: His trademark smirk. He isbeing, of course, accompanied by Lorne Michaels andDallas Police Chief Fitz. They’ll be transporting himby van to the desert where he will attempt to buildhis Penis Measuring Machine.

[A man resembling Oswald assassin Jack Ruby runs upabruptly and sticks a handgun in Elliott’sribs.]

Jack Ruby: Elliott!

[A gunshot. Ruby turns and runs off. The crowd reactsin shock. Elliott clutches his stomach and winces inpain, mouth wide open, just like Oswald. Zoom in andfreeze on a close shot of Elliott surrounded by thehorrified crowd.]

Newscaster V/O: Once again, Chris– Oh, my God!He’s been shot! Elliott’s been shot! Somebody shothim!

[Music: “A Horse with No Name” by America. SUPER:CHRIS ELLIOTT / CAST MEMBER 1985-1995. Cheers andapplause as we fade.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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