Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald
… Norm MacDonald
Kato Kaelin … David Spade
Marcia Clark … Laura Kightlinger
[Norm MacDonald sits at the WU desk, cracking hisknuckles. Music. SUPER: WEEKEND UPDATE / NORMMacDONALD]
Don Pardo V/O: Weekend Update with NormMacDonald![Cheers and applause.]
Norm MacDonald: Thank you. Hi, I’m NormMacdonald and this is the news:
Last week, as Pat Buchanan announced his decision torun for president, several people jumped on stagechanting, “Buchanan is a racist.” As security began towrestle them from the stage Buchanan stopped them andsaid, “Let them continue, that’s my slogan.”…
Republican presidential candidate Phil Gramm, ofTexas, said yesterday that if he and President Clintonmet in the general election next year, he would,quote, “Chew him up and spit him out.” PresidentClinton, on the other hand, says that he would takeGramm, deep fry him, dip him in mayonnaise, andswallow him whole. …
Well, the nerve gas sarin, which was used in the Tokyosubway attack, is a colorless, odorless, substancethat swiftly paralyzes the respiratory system, fillsthe lungs with fluid, and drowns its victims. But it’sstill better than anything on the Warner BrothersNetwork. …
Senator Bob Packwood said this week he favors reducedfederal deficit over a tax cut. Then he added that, incase anyone was curious, he prefers nice legs overlarge breasts.[Norm glances at a headline which reads: “Judge GivesFerguson 200 Years in 6 Killings”] Well, how ’boutthis, huh? You know, it makes me sick when a societylets a guy like Colin Ferguson live for another twohundred years! It’s … ridiculous, it’s crazy!…
A new study says that people who quit smoking havehealthier lungs. Yet another groundbreaking story fromthe pages of the medical journal, “DUH” … [Image ofthe October 1994 cover of DUH which features a photoof a doctor and lists a few articles: EXERCISE ISGOOD, MEDICINE CAN HELP, SMOKING IS BAD, EAT RIGHT FORBETTER HEALTH and CANCER CAN CAUSE DEATH — cheers andapplause]
The … Hertz rental car company announced this weekthat it will buy five hundred and twenty thousandvehicles, increasing its worldwide fleet twenty-fourpercent. In addition, they will try to find a newspokesman who won’t kill his ex-wife. …
And in court, this week, Kato Kaelin testified that O.J. Simpson did NOT appear angry before, or after, theperiod of his wife’s murder. But Kaelin admitted hecould have been a touch edgy while he was actuallymurdering her. Might have been, ah… [applause]
Kato spent four days on the witness stand this week,making it the longest job he has ever held. …[applause]
And now let’s take a look at some of his testimonyfrom earlier this week.[Dissolve to witness stand. Kato Kaelin enters andsits, dropping an entire cup of water in the process.SUPER: Brian “Kato” Kaelin.]
Kato Kaelin: Sorry. [clears throat] [Throughout his cross-examination, Kato answersquestions from the offscreen prosecutor, Marcia Clark,with great gravity and sobriety.]
Marcia Clark: All right, Mr. Kaelin, are younervous?
Kato Kaelin: A little, yes.
Marcia Clark: Uh, please tell the court, Mr.Kaelin, what it is you do for a living.
Kato Kaelin: I’m an actor.
Marcia Clark: Oh, really? An actor? And whatkind of parts have you had, Mr. Kaelin?
Kato Kaelin: I did a couple of horror films andI hosted, ah, “Talk Soup.” I think I did a goodjob.
Marcia Clark: Ah, would you say you did abetter job than the guy who hosts it now?
Kato Kaelin: Yes, I would.
Marcia Clark: And do you know the new guy’sname?
Kato Kaelin: [thinks hard for a moment] No, Idon’t.
Marcia Clark: Okay. And how were the ratingsfor “Talk Soup” when you hosted?
Kato Kaelin: I believe they were very high,somewhere around a one point six.
Marcia Clark: [ironic] Wow. Sounds high tome.
Kato Kaelin: It – it is, forcable.
Marcia Clark: Do you have any other specialtalents?
Kato Kaelin: I do an impression of, uh, aStairmaster going to a higher level.
Marcia Clark: Can you please perform thatStairmaster impression for the court?
Kato Kaelin: [glances at offscreen judge forapproval, nods, rises self-consciously, pretends towalk on a Stairmaster while emitting a slowlow-pitched whining, then flips an imaginary switch,walks faster and emits a high-pitched whining, stops,glances around self-consciously and sits]
Marcia Clark: Uh, that’s not very funny, Mr.Kaelin.
Kato Kaelin: [points to someone offscreen] Thatguy was laughin’.
Marcia Clark: Uh, noted. Ah, noted. It alsosays here you can do a dog barking. Do you think thisis something the court needs to hear?
Kato Kaelin: Yes, I do. [clears throat,imitates a small dog barking]
Marcia Clark: [slightly confused] So, then, Mr.Kaelin, you’re saying that was the sound NicoleSimpson’s dog made the night of the murders?
Kato Kaelin: No, that’s a small dog. I can’t dobig dogs.
Marcia Clark: Ah, Mr. Kaelin, you’re – you’reuseless.
Kato Kaelin: Yes, I am.[Dissolve back to the WU desk where Normnods.]
Norm MacDonald: Kato Kaelin, ladies andgentlemen. [cheers and applause] [Photo of unattractive hotel owner Leona Helmsley]Well, Leona Helmsley fired a maid this week forstealing her Victoria’s Secret lingerie. [Norm jerks athumb at the photo] If you think she looks hot here,huh? Imagine… if you would, with the …
And, finally, the Diamond Council of America advisesthat men spend two months’ salary on an engagementring while the American Housing Company suggests thatyou spend twenty-five percent of your salary on rent.Interestingly, the U.S. Crack Association recommendsthat you spend all your salary — on crack.
And that’s it for now. Good night, folks. See yalater.[Cheers, applause, music. Norm unhooks the microphonefrom his necktie, rises, drops the mikeunceremoniously on the desk and quickly exits as wepull back and fade out.]