Men On Film
Roger Ebert…..Chris Farley
Blaine Edwards…..Damon Wayans
Anton Merryweather…..David Alan Grier
[Men on Film is on, with Roger Ebert and a second man with a half-open black leather vest and a mini police cap with tiny handcuffs attached to it.]
Roger Ebert: I’m Roger Ebert.
Blaine Edwards: [gay voice] Hello, and I’m Blaine Edwards. And welcome to a very special Men on Film. Anton Merryweather is off in Greece romping around with some trashy Marcellus he met. So I’d like to thank Mister Roger Ebert for sitting in. Tonight’s program is brought to you by Blow Pop™, the yummy little candy treat. I bet you just can’t have one. [Unwraps a Blow Pop and begins licking and sucking on it, then hands Roger Ebert one.]
Roger Ebert: Tonight we’re going to be reviewing the blockbuster movies of last year. First off is Pulp Fiction, a gritty dark film noir, starring Samuel L. Jackson and John Travolta as hit men who discover that there is more to life than taking someone else’s. Blaine, I thought that Quentin Tarantino really took some chances here. [As he talks, Blaine stares at his chest.]
Blaine Edwards: Oh, I disagree, Rog. You see, this movie did nothing for me. I heard all this Oscar talk about Samuel Jackson and Miss John Travolta, but to me the real story’s about them two sweet little hillbillies that made passionate love to that big black man. See, this is something I could relate to. And who was that gimp on the chain? Honey, that’s a star waiting to happen.
Roger Ebert: Next up we’ll discuss True Lies, starring Arnold Schwarzenegger and Jamie Lee Curtis. In this film, Schwarzenegger plays a spy who’s afraid to tell his wife about the double life he’s leading.
Blaine Edwards: Yes, I just love the sexual chemistry between Arnold Schwarzenegger and Tom Arnold. I mean, please. True Lies? You can’t fool us, Arnold! We knew all along!
Roger Ebert: Next up we’ll discuss Little Women. I liked this remake of Louisa May Alcott’s famous novel.
Blaine Edwards: Phuff! Hated it! There wasn’t one likeable character in this thing!
Roger Ebert: Then there was, of course, When A Man Loves A Woman.
Blaine Edwards: Hated it! I just couldn’t get past the title.
Roger Ebert: Wow, we can’t seem to agree on anything!
Blaine Edwards: Well, that’s not true, Rog. We both agree you need to lose a little weight.[Roger Ebert stares at himself sadly, sighing.]
Blaine Edwards: Don’t get mad. There’s nothing being wrong with being a little chubby, or having one!
Roger Ebert: Really?
Blaine Edwards: Yes, I think you’re very attractive. I’d let you do me.
Roger Ebert: You would? You do?
Blaine Edwards: And you’re a much better host than that sleazy little slut Merryweather.
Roger Ebert: Thank you. Next up, Interview With the Vampire, starring Tom Cruise, Brad Pitt, and Christian Slater. Talk about a dream team. They’re the hottest young actors working in film today. My body quivered when I saw all three of them on screen at one time. Did I say that? What the hell was that thing? I’m Roger Ebert!
Blaine Edwards: It’s okay, it’s okay, just let it go! Just go with it!
Roger Ebert: I’m scared! This is so new!
Blaine Edwards: It’s okay, we’re all scared at first. You just take a deep breath and then you just go.[Roger Ebert licks his fingers and starts rubbing the spots where his nipples should be.]
Blaine Edwards: Mmm hmm! There it is! Whoops, there it is! Whoops, there it is!
Roger Ebert: [gay voice] Next up, Boys on the Side, starring Whoopi Goldberg, Drew Barrymore, and Mary Louis Parker.
Together: Hated it!
Blaine Edwards: I thought this was gonna be a movie about Keanu Reeves and Johnny Depp, timesharing on Fire Island.[Roger Ebert starts sucking on a Blow Pop, rubbing it all over his face.]
Roger Ebert: Me too. What a letdown! Last, there’s Major Pain, the story of a tough major who is put in charge of a group of bad little boys and whips them into submission.
Blaine Edwards: Ooh, I loved it when he shaved their heads bald and then had them running around in a dress! See, that reminds me of my youth. This is what Boys on the Side should have been.
Roger Ebert: Amen! The title alone gets two snaps and a salute! And how about that Damon Wayans? He made me stand in attention! I’d like him for a drill instructor!
Blaine Edwards: You better be careful what you ask for![Anton Merryweather enters, wearing a blue and white striped half shirt with the Greek flag on it, a sailor’s hat, and one of those large blue sailor-type bags.
Anton Merryweather: Excuse me! Well, well, well, what have we here?
Blaine Edwards: Heavens to Murgatroid, he’s back!
Anton Merryweather: [to Roger Ebert] Homewrecker! [to Blaine] I guess when the cat’s away, the gerbil will play![they slap each other]
Anton Merryweather: It’s . . . no place like home!
Blaine Edwards: Run, Roger! Run like the wind! I’ve seen him like this before! Just run, go! Go save yourself!
Announcer V/O: This has been Men on Film.
Thanks to Leadcrow90 for this transcript!