Damon Wayans’ Monologue
Damon Wayans: Yeah! What’s up! Yeah! It’s good to be here. It’s nice to come out, you know, and have a chance to host a show – that’s great, you know? ‘Cause, usually, brothers don’t get a chance to host nothin’! Not even, like, the news, right?
Any time you see a brother on the news, it’s usually a reporter, and he’s got, like, the worst assignment, right? It’s always like when they had the riots out in L.A., you had the brother, like, “This is Leon Jackson, man! I’m standing on Normandy and Flor-” [ imitates gunfire ] Man, they shootin’ out here, man! It’s pretty bad out here!” [ swats off attackers ] “Get off me, man! They goin’ crazy, man! Get! Come back with the camera!” Right? And then, the white dude is always in the tudio tryin’ to look concerned. Right? He’s like, “Wow, that really looks bad out there, Leon! We’ll be cutting back to you, you keep us abreast of this story. [ turns to co-anchor ] Really looks bad, huh, Jane?”
They have the floods, right? The mudslides.. brother’s like.. [ sliding legs across the floor ] ..”This is Leon Jackson! I’m standing in twelve feet of mud! It’s pretty bad out here, man!” [ switches to studio anchorman ] “Leon. Do you think you can get the camera under the mud, maybe talk to some people there? See how they feel, right? This just in: tornadoes are sweeping the southland! Here with a special live report is our own Leon Jackson!” [ doing Leon’s voice, while laying across table like he’s being blown in the air ] “This is Leon Jackson! I’m standing in 30 miles-per-hour wind, man! It’s pretty bad out here!” [ switches to studio anchorman ] Leon. Do you thihk you can get into the eye of the tornado?” [ laughs ]
See, brothers just take it with stride, man? You know, because we used to that, you know? We used to getting the bad job, you know? It’s alright. It’s like.. I guarantee you the original crash test dummy was a brother! It’s like, “Alright, Bubba, listen what we’re gonna do. We’re gonna strap you in this apparatus, and then just keep driving you against the wall, and you tell us how you feel afterwards.” “Alright. Cool! Anything’s better than serving time!” “Alright, Chuck – take it up to 25! [ imitates car crashing against wall ] Bubba, how you feel?!” “No, man.. my neck hurt! Man, what’s that all about?!” “Alright, 25 gives you whiplash! Alright, Chuck, take it up to 50!” [ imitates car crashing harder against wall ] Bam! “Bubba! How you feel?” “Yo, man.. I feel like busting your ass, man! I can’t feel nothin’ in my left leg, man! What’s up with this?!” “Don’t worry, there’s a nice, healthy check for you at the end! Alright, Chuck, take it up to 100!” [ imitates car crashing even harder against wall ] Bam! “Bubba! [ no answer ] Bubba? [ no answer ] Damn you, Bubba, speak to me! [ a beat ] Alright.. 100 kills ya’! Alright, Chuck – get Bubba out of here and bring in the next one, we’ll test the air bag!”
See, y’all know it’s true. Because, see, white people – y’all just got too much information. You know? They got – y’all know exactly how much electricity it take to kill you! How y’all know that? Some brother! It’s like, “Alright, Cleavus, this is what we’re gonna do. We want you to grab a hold of this fence, and then piss on that third rail! YHou let us know how you feel afterward!” [ laughs ] I gurantee you there’s still some brothers lost in space.. from, like, the pre-Apollo. You know, it’s like.. “You think NASA’s ever gonna come get us?!” “I’s hope so! We runnin’ out the Tang!” “This is Rufus to NASA.. Rufus to NASA!” “Will these niggars leave us alon? Change the name to NASA!” [ laughs ]
Listen, we have a great show tonight – we have Miss Dionne Farris with us, so stick around, we’ll be right back!