Court TV


Court TV

Terry Moran…..Kevin Nealon
Robert Shapiro…..Michael McKean
James Williams…..Adam Sandler
Anton Jackson…..Damon Wayans
Judge Lance Ito…..Mark McKinney
Marcia Clark…..Laura Kightlinger
Bailiff…..Jay Mohr
Johnny Cochran…..Tim Meadows

Terry Moran: Hello, I’m Terry Moran. Welcome to Court TV’s continuing coverage of the OJ Simpson trial. Today the defense cross-examines skycap James Williams, who claims to have seen Simpson’s missing mystery bag on top of a trash can at the Los Angeles airport. Let’s take a look.

Robert Shapiro: Now Mr. Williams, you never actually saw Mr. Simpson place his bag on top of this garbage can.

James Williams: No.

Robert Shapiro: Then you don’t really know it was Mr. Simpson’s bag you saw on this can! [bangs emphatically on the trash can, causing a person to burst out of the lid]

Anton Jackson: Who is it? Who’s knocking on my door? Hey, this ain’t the airport! What’s happening, Jimmy? How you doing, baby?

Judge Lance Ito: Do you know this man? [waves away the smell]

James Williams: His name’s Anton Jackson. He lives in that airport trash can.

Marcia Clark: The prosecution would like to call Mr. Jackson to the witness stand.

Robert Shapiro: Objection!

Marcia Clark: Your Honor, he may be able to tell us what happened to Mr. Simpson’s bag, and its contents.

Judge Lance Ito: I’ll right, I’m going to allow Mr. Jackson to [coughs] testify. Bailiff?

Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?

Anton Jackson: I don’t! Hah!

Marcia Clark: Could you state your name for the court, please?

Anton Jackson:
My name is Anton Frederique Jackson. [slobbers all over her hand]

Marcia Clark: Ugh!

Anton Jackson: It’s French, as you could see.

Marcia Clark: And what do you do for a living, Mr. Jackson?

Anton Jackson: Well, I’m an ex – entertainer, excuse me, extraordinaire.

Marcia Clark: And what is your place of residence?

Anton Jackson: Well, I have several. I got a box uptown, I got a box downtown, but for tax purposes I reside at the LA Airport.

Marcia Clark:
Mr. Jackson, did you see the defendant in the airport on June 12th?

Anton Jackson: The who?

Marcia Clark: That man over there, Mr. OJ Simpson.

Anton Jackson: Hey, OJ Simpson! Man, I ain’t recognize you without the ski mask! Hah!

Marcia Clark: Mr. Jackson –

Anton Jackson: No, I’m just kidding. See, we got something in common, man. I used to date Denise Brown, but I let her go, ’cause she drank more than I did! Hah!

Marcia Clark: Mr. Jackson, Please. Are you wearing the clothes the defendant dumped in your garbage can?

Anton Jackson: You know something, you’re a very sexy young lady. You got any black in you?

Marcia Clark: No.

Anton Jackson: Do you want some? Hah!

[The court goes nuts, causing Judge Ito to bang on the desk with his gavel.]

Anton Jackson: Erection, your honor, erection!

Judge Lance Ito: [trying to wave him away] No, no. First of all, Mr. Jackson, you mean objection.

Anton Jackson: No, I was looking at her ass! It’s an erection, all right!

Judge Lance Ito: Please, sit down, sit down.

Marcia Clark: Mr. Jackson, what are those stains on your clothing?

Anton Jackson: Oh, these? Well, last night I went to see a 25 cent movie . . .

[Everyone starts groaning, disgusted.]

Anton Jackson: No, it was a good one!

Marcia Clark: The bloodstains, Mr. Jackson.

Anton Jackson: Oh, the bloodstains. You ever get one of those boogers that be way up back here, and you’re trying to reach it, and it make your nose bleed? See, I got one right now. I’d like to submit Exhibit B, Your Honor.

[Anton wipes his finger all over the desk. Judge Ito smacks the spot with his gavel.]

Marcia Clark: Mr. Jackson? Never mind. Never mind, Mr. Jackson. Please, just tell the court what’s inside your jacket.

Anton Jackson: Oh, well this is sort of an invention of mine. [He takes out a jar of yellow liquid.] It’s my Portable Portopotty.

Judge Lance Ito: Mr. Jackson, put that away. Put that away. Miss Clark?

Marcia Clark: No further questions, your honor.

Judge Lance Ito: Your witness, Mr. Cochran.

Johnny Cochran: Mr. Jackson, sir.

Anton Jackson: What’s up, smooth brother Johnny Coch?

Johnny Cochran:
Anton, I’ll be straightforward. Are you an alcoholic?

Anton Jackson: Am I an alcoholic? Well, I’ll be straightforward. [Takes out a bottle.] Every now and again I like to have a little sip. Like now [drinks some wine], and again [drinks]. Hah!

Robert Shapiro: Your Honor, this witness is useless. I move he be dismissed and his testimony be stricken from the record.

Judge Lance Ito: Agreed. Mr. Jackson, please, step down. Step down.

Anton Jackson: Not until America sees my act! What I’m going to do right now is juggle not one, not two, but three latrines!

Everybody: No! No! No!

Anton Jackson: No, you’re going to like this! I very rarely miss! Okay, I present the amazing Anton!

[As he clumsily juggles the glasses, one drops and smashes.]
Anton Jackson:
My bad, my bad. Hey look, let me try that again. Give me five minutes, I’ll fill this up and I’ll be back . . .

Terry Moran: It was an eventful day in the Simpson case. Court was dismissed until 10:00 tomorrow, when the prosecution’s star DNA witness will take the stand, beloved children’s entertainer Homey the Clown. See you then.

Thanks to Leadcrow90 for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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