Terry Moran…..Kevin Nealon
Robert Shapiro…..Michael McKean
James Williams…..Adam Sandler
Anton Jackson…..Damon Wayans
Judge Lance Ito…..Mark McKinney
Marcia Clark…..Laura Kightlinger
Johnny Cochran…..Tim Meadows
Terry Moran: Hello, I’m Terry Moran. Welcome to Court TV’s continuing coverage of the OJ Simpson trial. Today the defense cross-examines skycap James Williams, who claims to have seen Simpson’s missing mystery bag on top of a trash can at the Los Angeles airport. Let’s take a look.
Robert Shapiro: Now Mr. Williams, you never actually saw Mr. Simpson place his bag on top of this garbage can.
James Williams: No.
Robert Shapiro: Then you don’t really know it was Mr. Simpson’s bag you saw on this can! [bangs emphatically on the trash can, causing a person to burst out of the lid]
Anton Jackson: Who is it? Who’s knocking on my door? Hey, this ain’t the airport! What’s happening, Jimmy? How you doing, baby?
Judge Lance Ito: Do you know this man? [waves away the smell]
James Williams: His name’s Anton Jackson. He lives in that airport trash can.
Marcia Clark: The prosecution would like to call Mr. Jackson to the witness stand.
Robert Shapiro: Objection!
Marcia Clark: Your Honor, he may be able to tell us what happened to Mr. Simpson’s bag, and its contents.
Judge Lance Ito: I’ll right, I’m going to allow Mr. Jackson to [coughs] testify. Bailiff?
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?
Anton Jackson: I don’t! Hah!
Marcia Clark: Could you state your name for the court, please?
Anton Jackson: My name is Anton Frederique Jackson. [slobbers all over her hand]
Marcia Clark: Ugh!
Anton Jackson: It’s French, as you could see.
Marcia Clark: And what do you do for a living, Mr. Jackson?
Anton Jackson: Well, I’m an ex – entertainer, excuse me, extraordinaire.
Marcia Clark: And what is your place of residence?
Anton Jackson: Well, I have several. I got a box uptown, I got a box downtown, but for tax purposes I reside at the LA Airport.
Marcia Clark: Mr. Jackson, did you see the defendant in the airport on June 12th?
Anton Jackson: The who?
Marcia Clark: That man over there, Mr. OJ Simpson.
Anton Jackson: Hey, OJ Simpson! Man, I ain’t recognize you without the ski mask! Hah!
Marcia Clark: Mr. Jackson –
Anton Jackson: No, I’m just kidding. See, we got something in common, man. I used to date Denise Brown, but I let her go, ’cause she drank more than I did! Hah!
Marcia Clark: Mr. Jackson, Please. Are you wearing the clothes the defendant dumped in your garbage can?
Anton Jackson: You know something, you’re a very sexy young lady. You got any black in you?
Marcia Clark: No.
Anton Jackson: Do you want some? Hah!
[The court goes nuts, causing Judge Ito to bang on the desk with his gavel.]
Anton Jackson: Erection, your honor, erection!
Judge Lance Ito: [trying to wave him away] No, no. First of all, Mr. Jackson, you mean objection.
Anton Jackson: No, I was looking at her ass! It’s an erection, all right!
Judge Lance Ito: Please, sit down, sit down.
Marcia Clark: Mr. Jackson, what are those stains on your clothing?
Anton Jackson: Oh, these? Well, last night I went to see a 25 cent movie . . .
[Everyone starts groaning, disgusted.]
Anton Jackson: No, it was a good one!
Marcia Clark: The bloodstains, Mr. Jackson.
Anton Jackson: Oh, the bloodstains. You ever get one of those boogers that be way up back here, and you’re trying to reach it, and it make your nose bleed? See, I got one right now. I’d like to submit Exhibit B, Your Honor.
[Anton wipes his finger all over the desk. Judge Ito smacks the spot with his gavel.]
Marcia Clark: Mr. Jackson? Never mind. Never mind, Mr. Jackson. Please, just tell the court what’s inside your jacket.
Anton Jackson: Oh, well this is sort of an invention of mine. [He takes out a jar of yellow liquid.] It’s my Portable Portopotty.
Judge Lance Ito: Mr. Jackson, put that away. Put that away. Miss Clark?
Marcia Clark: No further questions, your honor.
Judge Lance Ito: Your witness, Mr. Cochran.
Johnny Cochran: Mr. Jackson, sir.
Anton Jackson: What’s up, smooth brother Johnny Coch?
Johnny Cochran: Anton, I’ll be straightforward. Are you an alcoholic?
Anton Jackson: Am I an alcoholic? Well, I’ll be straightforward. [Takes out a bottle.] Every now and again I like to have a little sip. Like now [drinks some wine], and again [drinks]. Hah!
Robert Shapiro: Your Honor, this witness is useless. I move he be dismissed and his testimony be stricken from the record.
Judge Lance Ito: Agreed. Mr. Jackson, please, step down. Step down.
Anton Jackson: Not until America sees my act! What I’m going to do right now is juggle not one, not two, but three latrines!
Everybody: No! No! No!
Anton Jackson: No, you’re going to like this! I very rarely miss! Okay, I present the amazing Anton!
[As he clumsily juggles the glasses, one drops and smashes.]
Anton Jackson: My bad, my bad. Hey look, let me try that again. Give me five minutes, I’ll fill this up and I’ll be back . . .
Terry Moran: It was an eventful day in the Simpson case. Court was dismissed until 10:00 tomorrow, when the prosecution’s star DNA witness will take the stand, beloved children’s entertainer Homey the Clown. See you then.
Thanks to Leadcrow90 for this transcript!