Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald
Jeff Foxworthy…..David Spade
Announcer: Weekend Update, with Norm MacDonald.
Norm MacDonald: Thank you! Thank you, I’m Norm MacDonald, and this is.. the.. news.
This week, in South Africa, Winnie Mandela was removed from the neo-government by her husband, President Nelson Mandela. A curious Bill Clinton later called Mr. Mandela, to find out how exactly you go about doing something like that.
In medical news this week, scientists report there may soon be a vaccine for drug addicts. Which completely eliminates the craving for cocaine. They caution, however, that the vaccine is extremely dangerous, highly addictive, and costs $10,000 a gram.
This is the only known photograph of terrorist Tahia Ayosh, Palestine’s top bomb maker. To reassure you that there’s little cause for alarm, however.. you should know that this picture was taken by Palestine’s top photographer.
This week in the O.J. Simpson trial, the infamous bloody glove was finally introduced into evidence. And O.J. didn’t help his case any by blurting out, “There it is! I’ve been looking all over for that thing!”
Norm MacDonald: The #2 movie this week, “Outbreak”, continues to make news. It’s the story of a virus that gets out of control, causing death and widespread panic. It’s based on the true story of the Ebola Virus. Because most viewers don’t exactly understand what the Ebola Virus is, we’ve asked comedian Jeff Foxworthy, author of “You May Be A Redneck”, to help explain it. Jeff?
Jeff Foxworthy: Thank yew, Norm! Thank yew! Okay! If yer a small bacterial virus that travels through the air or blood, and kills 9 out of 10 people infected within 24 hours of contact – then yew may be.. the Ebola Virus.
If, on yer W2 tax form, yew list as yer primary residence, the bloodstream of an African Zuzu monkey – by that fact alone, yew could be IDed as the Ebola Virus.
If the only time people can relax around yew, is when they’re wearing a Biosafety Level 4 Hazardous Ebola Virus-proof spacesuit – then yew’ve nominated yerself as a potential candidate to be elected the Ebola Virus.
If yer a Playboy centerfold and list as yer turn-ons: making people vomit uncontrollably and bleed out of their eyes and anus – then all arrows point to yew.. being the E.
If yew walk into a room, and everyone sez, “Oh, no! It’s the Ebola Virus!” Then, perchance, there’s a blah blah!
If yer driver’s license photo looks like this.. [ holds up cartoon drawing of the Ebola Virus ] ..there’s a bleep-blop E Virus.
If yew find yerself feelin’ jealous because the AIDS Virus gets more press than yew – then, maybe the Ebola Virus.
If people see yew and run!
Norm MacDonald: [ interrupting ] Okay! I think we get the point there, Jeff, thanks! Thanks for clearing that up. Jeff Foxworthy, ladies and gentlemen!
Jeff Foxworthy: [ screaming to be heard ] I’m not through! If yew constantly.. [ babbles incoherently ]
On a talk show recently, Joey Buttafuaco said of Amy Fisher: “I hope she gets hers, and dies in prison like Jeffrey Dahmer. And when she does, I will go out and eat cake!” Moments later, however, he admiited: “Look, I’ll be honest with you.. even if nothing bad happens to Amy Fisher, I’ll..probably go out and.. eat cake..”
Last week, Duchess of York Sarah Ferguson visited the Big Apple and showed off her 14-pound weight loss. Hopefully, this will not interfere with her official duties of sitting on her fat ass all day long
Julia Roberts told reporters this week that her marriage to Lyle Lovett has been over for some time. The key moment, she said, came when she realized that she was Julia Roberts, and that she was married to Lyle Lovett.
Well, the magazine P.O.V. came out this week, with a list of the best and worst jobs to have in the next century. The three best were, in this order: Multimedia Software Designer, Management Consultant, and Interactive Advertising Executive; while their worst, for the third year in a row: Crack Whore.
Norm MacDonald: Alright. The boxing world is still buzzing after the release of Mike Tyson from an Indiana prison, after serving a three-year term. Here with a message for Mike, is Weekend Update correspondent – and my hero – Adam Sandler!
Adam Sandler: Thank you! Thanks! Alright! Uh.. Mr. Tyson, three years is a long time to be away from everything, so, being one of your biggest fans, I figured I’d help you out and fill you in on what’s been going on in the world the past three years.
Let’s start at 1993, November 5th: Some guy from the bank called me about about paying back my studeny loan. I told him I don’t have the money yet, and he starts saying how he’s gonna repossess my car and cancel all my credit cards. Then he says, “Are you a boxing fan?” And I say, “Ye-eah.. what does that have to do with anything?” And he says, “Because, I have some things to say about that guy Mike Tyson. Tyson’s the worst boxer I’ve ever seen. Mohammed Ali could kick his ass! Ali’s daughter could kick his ass! And, if Tyson ever got out of prison, I would kick his ass!” Now.. the car and the credit card thing, I understand; he’s doing his job. But.. the stuff about you, that was just uncalled for! Anyway, if you wanna go ask him about it, he works at.. [ SUPER appears on screen ] ..First National Bank.. 325 2nd Ave., between 55th and 56th. His name is Sidney Crenshaw; do what you gotta do!
February 5th, 1994: My girlfriend breaks up with me, and starts going out with a guy named Peter Evans. I ran into Peter at a coffee shop, and I said, “I hope you and my girlfriend are happy.” Then he said, “Mike Tyson sucks!” I was, like, “What does that have to do with anything?!” [ laughing ] Then.. he starts doing an impression of you; he was, like: [ imitating Peter Evans’ impression of Mike Tyson ] “I’m Mike Tyson! I talk like a five-year-old girl! I could never beat up Peter Evans, ’cause I’m a little pansy!” Then he said some other stuff, about you saving up for a sex-change operation, or something; I don’t remember all the details, but Peter Evans might. [ SUPER appears on screen ] He lives at 1197 Horatio St., Apt 4-P, as in “Punch in the face”
June 16th, 1994: A homeless man on the street asks me for some change. I give him $150. That has nothing to do with you, Mike, but I just thought America should know Adam Sandler is a DAMN good guy!
March 6th, 1995: A bug fat guy sitting behind me at the movies won’t stop yapping-
Norm MacDonald: [ interrupting ] Hey, hey, hey, Adam! We really don’t have time for all this.. sorry.. we gotta get moving on!
Adam Sandler: Oh, alright.. sorry, Norm.. you are right. Hey, uh, by the way, uh.. Mr. Tyson! This is Norm MacDonald. He’s our new Update guy, you’ll love him; he’s been telling the funniest jokes about you giving it up in prison!
Norm MacDonald: [ nervous ] Mr. Tyson, I’m, uh.. I’m not Norm MacDonald.. I don’t even know who Norm MacDonald is.. I’m Kevin Nealon, and that’s news to me!