Gapardy


Gapardy

Debbie Luciano…..Courtney Cox
Lucy…..Adam Sandler
Kristy…..David Spade
Cindy…..Chris Farley


Announcer: And now, it’s time for “Gapardy”. With your host, the former Gap Girl, and now manager of Urban Outfitters in Shreveport, Louisiana, Debbie Luciano!

Debbie Luciano: Hi, and welcome to “Gapardy” – the show that’s a lot like “Jeopardy”, except all our contestants work at.. The Gap. Now, before we start, let’s meet our players.

Lucy: My name’s Lucy Brawn, I work at the Gap store 214. I’m from Sunnyvale, California, my favorite band is Green Day! Yeah!!

Debbie Luciano: Okay, that sounds good. By the way – nice facial hair, you look like Tom Selleck.

Lucy: [ offended laughter ] Yeah, well.. you.. look like his friend who.. used to be in the helicopter..

Debbie Luciano: That’s a good comeback. Why don’t you have another Slim Jim? Alright, so who do we have here?

Kristy: My name is Kristy Anderson, and I’m from Tempe, Arizona, and I work at Gap store 214 with Lucy, and my favorite band is Pearl Jam! Rock on!

Debbie Luciano: Yeah! What do you guys sell over there at store 214, acid-washed jeans and stuff?

Kristy: Uh.. easy, cheesie. I think you’re confusing us with Merry-Go-Round. [ laughs ] By the way, Debbie, nice fake blue contacts.

Debbie Luciano: Oh, I hate to break it to ya, but they’re real!

Kristy: Fake.

Debbie Luciano: Real!

Kristy: Fake!

Debbie Luciano: Real!

Kristy: Hazel!

Debbie Luciano: Blue!

Kristy: Hazel!

Debbie Luciano: Try Sapphire, alright? Alright, our third contestant-

Kristy: Hazel!

Debbie Luciano: Sapphire!! Alright, keep it down, Slim-Jim. Alright, now it says here that your name is “Cindy Crawford”?

Cindy: Uh.. yeah.. well, not the Cindy Crawford.

Kristy: Oh, really? Are you sure?

Cindy: Shut up, Kristy!

Debbie Luciano: Alright, now, Cindy, you also work at the Gap?

Kristy: She used to, but she defected.

Cindy: Uhhh.. it is true – I omce worked at the.. Ca-rap! But, uh.. I now work at Jitters – it’s a coffee shop – and they call it Jitters, ’cause that’s what you do after you drink there! [ laughs at herself ]

Kristy: Really? Do you also have dinner at a place called Get Sweaty? ‘Cause that’s what you do after you eat! [ laughs back ]

Cindy: You are!

Kristy: [ confused ] What?

Lucy: [ weeping ] You guys, could you stop fighting, it’s scaring me..!

Debbie Luciano: Hey, can we shut up for a minute, alright?! This isn’t “Family Feud”! alright, let’s hear our categories – they are: “Whatever”, “Would You?”, “Famous Skanks”, “Cinch It”, “History of Scrunchies”, “I’m Just Telling You What I Heard”, and “Native Americans”. Alright, now, remember, you’re playing for an all-expense paid weekend in Monte Blanc for Spring Break. Alright, you’re ready, Lucy? you start.

Lucy: I’ll take “I’m Just Telling You What I Heard” for $100.

Debbie Luciano: “Is Rwanda a country, a talk show, or a nightclub in L.A.?”

Lucy: A nightclub. I know that, because my friend got hit by a can there and lost her shoe.

Debbie Luciano: I’m sorry, that’s incorrect – it’s a country.

Lucy: I’m just telling you what I heard!

Debbie Luciano: Alright, Kristy, your turn.

Kristy: Hmm.. I guess I’ll take “Whatever” for $100.

Debbie Luciano: Okay. “Your last boyfriend, Dan, said you were ‘A carpenter’s dream – flat as a board and easy to nail.'”

Kristy: What..ever!

Debbie Luciano: Ooh, I’m sorry, that’s very close. It’s “Whatever!

Kristy: [ mocking ] Whatever!

Debbie Luciano: Exactly. Okay, Miss Crawford, your turn. No scores yet.

Cindy: Hmm.. I’ll take..

Lucy: A big piece of cake – for free! [ laughs ]

Cindy: As I was saying.. I’ll take.. um.. “Native Americans” for $400. That’s right! That’s what I said!

Debbie Luciano: Okay. “In 1838, the Cherokee tribe set up its capitol in this Oklahoma village.”

Cindy: Oh, uh.. uh.. Germany. No, wait – Rwanda..

Debbie Luciano: Nope. Anyone else? Lucy?

Lucy: Please.

Debbie Luciano: Kristy?

Kristy: [ chuckles ] Not quite, Termite.

Debbie Luciano: Alright, the answer is Tahlequah. Yes – Tahlequah. Well, then, Lucy, it’s back to you – come on, you pick a category.

Lucy: It’s about time. “Famous Skanks” for $100.

Debbie Luciano: Okay. “Pamela Anderson is best known for-

[ buzzer ]

Debbie Luciano: Okay, we’re out of time, and the score is.. zero, zero, zero. Oh, that’s a first. Alright, how can we settle this, judges? Okay, we’ll do Rock, Paper, Scissors.

Kristy: Rock! Paper!

Lucy: Scissors!

Kristy: A-ha!

Lucy: Good, I win – scissors beats rock!

Kristy: No, it doesn’t, dummy!

Lucy: Oh, yeah..

Together: Rock! Paper! Scissors!

Cindy: [laughs ] Rock crushes paper!

Kristy: No, it doesn’t, dummy!

Cindy: It.. uh.. oh.. yeah..

Kristy: Yayyyy!!!

Debbie Luciano: Okay, Kristy, I guess you win! so let’s go to the Bonus Round, and pick one category!

Kristy: Okay! I will take.. “Would You?”

Debbie Luciano: Okay. Get ready, you’ve got forty seconds to answer as many questions as possible, and here we go! “Would You.. Matt Dillon?”

Kristy: Of course!

Debbie Luciano: “Would You.. Tom Arnold?”

Kristy: Ick, no way.

Debbie Luciano: “Snoop Doggy Dogg”.

Kristy: [ hesitant ] Yes.

Debbie Luciano: “Scott Baio”.

Kristy: [ quickly ] I did.

Lucy & Cindy: Oh, my God! Yuck!

Kristy: What! He was really nice.. I-I-I met him that summer, when he was signing posters, at the mall! Uh, he took me to dinner, he bought me a big bottle of Chateau Brion – it was, like, $100!

Cindy: More like 100 doll-hairs!

Kristy: What?

Cindy: Grow up!

Kristy: You are!

Cindy: Scuzzy!

Kristy: Me? No, uh.. slut!

Cindy: Idiot!

Kristy: Period-face!

Cindy: Gross!

Debbie Luciano: Hey, you got a nice mouth – that was quite a jump from Idiot to Period-face.

Kristy: Yeah, well.. sorry, I was mad.

Lucy: [ weeping ] You guys.. could you stop fighting.. My parents used to fight.. and then my stepfather tried to make out with me..!

[ horn sounds ]

Debbie Luciano: Alright, that’s about all the time we have for our show. Thank you very much, and join us next week for “Gapardy”!

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

avatar
  Subscribe  
Notify of