Matt Foley, Bilingual Motivational Speaker
Raoul de la Garza y Baca…..Michael McKean
Spanish Boy…..Jay Mohr
Spanish Girl…..Morwenna Banks
Matt Foley…..Chris Farley
[ open on exterior, ranch house in Mexico ] [ SUPER: “Villa of wealthy landowner, Raoul de la Garza y Baca, Venezuela” ] [ dissolve to interior, living room ]
Raoul de la Garza y Baca: Children! I am at the end of my patience with you!
Spanish Girl: Oh, be quiet, old man, no one cares what you think any more.
Raoul de la Garza y Baca: Silence! I am your father, and I demand your respect! Since I am unable to get through to you, I have decided to take strong measures! I have sent for the United States, to enlist the services of what is known as a Motivational Speaker! Perhaps he can succeed where I have failed. He’s been in the basement all morning chewing on cocoa leaves! Please give your undivided attention to Senor Matt Foley![ Matt Foley runs out from the basement into living room, grabbing at his pants to keep them from falling ]
Matt Foley: Hola ninos! Me llamo Matt Foley! Y yo soy un motivational speaker! Yo tengo treceta y cinco años, yo [messes up: yoy] soy tres divorciano, y yo vivo en “VAN” CERCA DE UN RIO.
Raoul de la Garza y Baca: Senor Foley, if you will excuse me – both my children and myself speak excellent English.
Matt Foley: Padre, dame un favor, y callate su grande YAPPER![Turns to children] Muchachos, yo comprendo que ustedes beben Tequila, (Whoo! [making hand motions]) fumen marijuana, y bailan el flamenco! [Dances]. Pronto, ustedes flamenco en un “VAN” CERCA DE UN RIO!
Spanish Boy: Senor Foley, where’d you study Spanish, Taco Bell? [ laughs ]
Matt Foley: Muy comico! Dios freakin’ mio! Es un regular PaulRodriguez? [Turns to Raul] Mis ojos not too good, es Paul Rodriguez? Huh? Es Paul Rodriguez? Huh?
Raoul de la Garza y Baca: Senor Foley, with respect, I think you are simply confusing my children.
Matt Foley: [Softly] Dad, kindly shut your damn FLAN HOLE!!! [Turns to children] Now, kids, in my next part of my talk, I’m gonna be laying some heavy concepts on ya. So from here on out, I’m gonna dispense with the Español and continue with the English. ‘Cause my Spanish a’int so good since I gave up DRUGS! [Laughs]
Spanish Girl: Good idea.
Matt Foley: Alrighty, now, you get bull fights down here, am I right, young fellow?
Spanish Boy: Si.
Matt Foley: Then, get up here! Let’s do a little role-playing! [Boy stands up, Matt Foley takes off jacket] Now, I’m the bull, see? And I represent the troubles and temptations facing a yound fella like yourself! And you’re the matador, armed with only a positive mental attitude, and the goings-on gets going on. [Steps back] Here I come, a snortin’ and a fussin’! Here I come, here I come![Snorts like a bull, charges at Spanish Boy, crashing into plants and vases] Alright,youngster, you want to play hardball? Let’s go at it!! [charges at Spanish Boy, but crashes into more plants ] Here I come! [ crashes into the coffee table ] I wanna show you what Americana is all about!! [charges, but crashes through the wall]. Whoopsie daisy! Well, “vivo de Nueva York, ES SABADO NOCHE!”