Melanie Babysits


Melanie Babysits

Mrs. Henderson…..Molly Shannon
Dr. Henderson…..Chris Elliot
Melanie…..Mark McKinney


[ open on the Hendersons entering their living room after a night out together ]

Mrs. Henderson: Did you notice – at the restaurant – how much weight Martha had gained?

Dr. Henderson: Yeah.. yeah.. she.. gained a lot of weight..

Mrs. Henderson: I mean, I thought I was bad, you know?

Dr. Henderson: [ feigning content ] Well, uh.. more of you to love?

Mrs. Henderson: Ohhhh, you! So.. sweet.. [ attempts to initiate intimacy ]

Dr. Henderson: [ fends her off ] Alright.. okay.. that’s fine.. okay.. yes.. fine..

[ Melanie enters from kitchen ]

Melanie: Hi, Dr. Henderson! Hi, Mrs. Henderson!

[ cue sax solo, as Dr. Henderson’s viewpoint scopes out Melanie from bottom to top ]

Melanie: So, did you have a good time?

Dr. Henderson: [ excited ] Yes! Yes, we did have a good time, a very good time!

Mrs. Henderson: Melanie, I’m gonna call you a cab right away. How were the kids, did you have a problem?

Melanie: Uh, no. Emily is so adorable! And, I gotta tell you something, Jason did the cutest thing – he didn’t want to go to bed, so he started pretending he was a puppy, and I had to chase him up and down the stairs until he got tired!

Dr. Henderson: [ interested ] Oh! Up and down those stairs, right there?

Melanie: Yeah! On all fours!

Dr. Henderson: [ chuckles with delight ] On all fours!

Melanie: Just like a dog!

Dr. Henderson: Ah, just like a dog?

Melanie: Yeah!

Dr. Henderson: Honey, I’m gonna go ahead and drive Melanie home, okay?

Melanie: I-I-I can take a cab..

Dr. Henderson: Oh, no, don’t be silly – it’s cold outside! I’ll drive you home, it’s no problem!

Mrs. Henderson: Oh.. well, okay, Tom. But as long as you promise to hurry home, ’cause, remember, you still owe me that “special” birthday present, eh? [ expresses excitement ]

Dr. Henderson: Ah.. okay.. no, I can’t wait for that.. Uh, Melanie, are you all done?

Melanie: Yeah! I got my homework books right here. I was doing my math – yuck!

Dr. Henderson: Oh, math! That’s funny, Melanie, you know, I hated math, too.

Melanie: Really?

Dr. Henderson: Yes, I did.

Melanie: Were you bad at it?

Dr. Henderson: I couldn’t get a hand on it, isn’t that something? I just thought you were gonna like that one..

[ they exit through the front door ]

Mrs. Henderson: [ yelling after them ] Bye-bye, Melanie! I’ll call your mom and let her know you’re on your way home! Alright, hurry home, Tom! [ laughs ] [ dissolve to Dr. Henderson driving Melanie home, upbeat tempo music surrounding them ]

Dr. Henderson: So.. Melanie.. all in all, I wouldn’t say it’s a “happy” marriage..

Melanie: Oh, God.. poor Dr. Henderson..

Dr. Henderson: Well, uh.. that’s very sweet of you, Melanie. You see, uh.. my wife is.. older that I am.. she’s 45.

Melanie: Oh, my God, that’s so gross and old!

Dr. Henderson: You’re right, it is.. gross and, and old.. But, enough about me. Let me hear a little something about yourself.

Melanie: About me?

Dr. Henderson: Sure.

Melanie: Okay.. um.. um.. in school, um.. I like to run, I mean I’m on the running team, the track and field team – God, I keep forgetting that name!

Dr. Henderson: [ chuckles heartily ]

Melanie: Anyway.. so, I like to run, and they say I have a lot of energy.

Dr. Henderson: Well, uh.. you look like you’re in good shape.

Melanie: Yeah. Do you wanna see my legs?

Dr. Henderson: [ hesitant ] Well.. no, I don’t..

Melanie: No, it’s okay – I’ve got good legs!

Dr. Henderson: Well, alright, I will! [ feels Melanie’s legs, falling into trance-like state ] Oh, yes, yes! Those are runner’s legs.. those are nice.. nice, firm.. runner’s legs..

Melanie: Yeah! Well, anyway, I like track in school. I mean, I guess I like school, except they make us wear this stupid uniform!

Dr. Henderson: No, I wouldn’t call it stupid..

Melanie: Oh, yeah, it’s really stupid. I mean, it’s, like, every day we have to wear, like, the same tie, and the same blouse, and the same kilt, and the same tights. I mean, the only time we’re allowed to take it off is, like, when we’re in the shower!

[ Dr. Henderson loses control of the car, and stops on the side of the road ]

Melanie: Why are we stopping?

Dr. Henderson: You know what? I-I-I gotta rest the carburator in this car.. you know what I’m also gonna do? I’m gonna turn off the.. heat and the lights.. just to save the battery.

Melanie: But.. but won’t we get cold?

Dr. Henderson: Well, uh.. we would get cold, if we didn’t take advantange of our, um.. body heat.

Melanie: Oh! you mean, like in the Arctic?

Dr. Henderson: That’s right, Melanie.. just like in the Arctic.

Melanie: Yeah! We’re studying that next semester!

Dr. Henderson: Yeah, well, that’ll be a hell of a thing.. Look, uh.. if you’re, uh.. thirsty, would you like some refreshments? There’s something in the glove compartment there..

Melanie: [ opens glove compartment ] Oh, my God! Is that Zima!

Dr. Henderson: That is Zima.

Melanie: Wow! Once, I almost got to have some at my Aunt’s wedding, but my Uncle took it away!

Dr. Henderson: Ohh.. well, why don’t you have one now?

Melanie: No, I shouldn’t..

Dr. Henderson: No, go on – I dare ya!

Melanie: Ohh.. okay! I can’t resist a dare!

Dr. Henderson: Sure, you can’t. You know, the funny thing about Zima is.. it tastes like candy, but you’ve gotta drink it down really fast!

Melanie: Really fast?

Dr. Henderson: Yeah, you’ve kind of just.. boom!

Melanie: Okay! [ swigs bottle back and downs the Zima ]

Dr. Henderson: And.. she’s off and running! Okay! Alright! and.. it’s gonna be Melanie by an edge, she’s coming down the finish line! Annnnd there she is, she wins the gold – that’s Melanie!

Melanie: [ burps ] Wow! You’re right, it does taste like candy!

Dr. Henderson: Yeah.. it does, doesn’t it? [ grabs to undo Melanie’s blouse ]

Melanie: Uh.. Dr. Henderson? What are you doing?

Dr. Henderson: I’m examining you – I’m a doctor!

Melanie: Yeah, but.. aren’t you, like, a foot doctor?

Dr. Henderson: Yes, I am, but, uh.. I was, uh.. upgraded.

Melanie: Oh! Congratulations!

Dr. Henderson: Well, thank you.

Melanie: Um.. can I have another Zima?

Dr. Henderson: Oh, can you have another Zima? Okay, sure!

Melanie: Don’t ever dare me – I told ya!

Dr. Henderson: [ chuckles ] Melanie, I’ve got another dare for ya.

Melanie: [ curious ] Oh, really? What?

Dr. Henderson: [ whispers in Melanie’s ear ]

Melanie: Yeah?!

Dr. Henderson: [ laughs ] There’s more! Come here, come here.. [ whispers further ]

Melanie: Okay!

Dr. Henderson: Alright! Let me just ask you something – Melanie, you are 18, aren’t you?

Melanie: Uh.. [ thinking ] ..yeah.. yeah..

Dr. Henderson: Yeah. Okay, that’s what I thought. And, you know that seat reclines?

Melanie: Okay! [ drops seat into reclining position ]

Dr. Henderson: Okay, there we go! [ moves in to pounce upon Melanie ] [ cut to footage of Dr. Henderson being locked in jail, as he clutches desperately to the prison bars ]

Dr. Henderson: I’d do it again! I swear to the Lord above – given the chance, I would do it again!! Do you HEAR me, society??! I’d do it AGAIIINNN!! And again! And again! And again!

[ cut to faraway shot of prison exterior ]

Voice of Dr. Henderson: And again! And again!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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