Mrs. Henderson…..Molly Shannon
Dr. Henderson…..Chris Elliot
[ open on the Hendersons entering their living room after a night out together ]
Mrs. Henderson: Did you notice – at the restaurant – how much weight Martha had gained?
Dr. Henderson: Yeah.. yeah.. she.. gained a lot of weight..
Mrs. Henderson: I mean, I thought I was bad, you know?
Dr. Henderson: [ feigning content ] Well, uh.. more of you to love?
Mrs. Henderson: Ohhhh, you! So.. sweet.. [ attempts to initiate intimacy ]
Dr. Henderson: [ fends her off ] Alright.. okay.. that’s fine.. okay.. yes.. fine..[ Melanie enters from kitchen ]
Melanie: Hi, Dr. Henderson! Hi, Mrs. Henderson![ cue sax solo, as Dr. Henderson’s viewpoint scopes out Melanie from bottom to top ]
Melanie: So, did you have a good time?
Dr. Henderson: [ excited ] Yes! Yes, we did have a good time, a very good time!
Mrs. Henderson: Melanie, I’m gonna call you a cab right away. How were the kids, did you have a problem?
Melanie: Uh, no. Emily is so adorable! And, I gotta tell you something, Jason did the cutest thing – he didn’t want to go to bed, so he started pretending he was a puppy, and I had to chase him up and down the stairs until he got tired!
Dr. Henderson: [ interested ] Oh! Up and down those stairs, right there?
Melanie: Yeah! On all fours!
Dr. Henderson: [ chuckles with delight ] On all fours!
Melanie: Just like a dog!
Dr. Henderson: Ah, just like a dog?
Dr. Henderson: Honey, I’m gonna go ahead and drive Melanie home, okay?
Melanie: I-I-I can take a cab..
Dr. Henderson: Oh, no, don’t be silly – it’s cold outside! I’ll drive you home, it’s no problem!
Mrs. Henderson: Oh.. well, okay, Tom. But as long as you promise to hurry home, ’cause, remember, you still owe me that “special” birthday present, eh? [ expresses excitement ]
Dr. Henderson: Ah.. okay.. no, I can’t wait for that.. Uh, Melanie, are you all done?
Melanie: Yeah! I got my homework books right here. I was doing my math – yuck!
Dr. Henderson: Oh, math! That’s funny, Melanie, you know, I hated math, too.
Dr. Henderson: Yes, I did.
Melanie: Were you bad at it?
Dr. Henderson: I couldn’t get a hand on it, isn’t that something? I just thought you were gonna like that one..[ they exit through the front door ]
Mrs. Henderson: [ yelling after them ] Bye-bye, Melanie! I’ll call your mom and let her know you’re on your way home! Alright, hurry home, Tom! [ laughs ] [ dissolve to Dr. Henderson driving Melanie home, upbeat tempo music surrounding them ]
Dr. Henderson: So.. Melanie.. all in all, I wouldn’t say it’s a “happy” marriage..
Melanie: Oh, God.. poor Dr. Henderson..
Dr. Henderson: Well, uh.. that’s very sweet of you, Melanie. You see, uh.. my wife is.. older that I am.. she’s 45.
Melanie: Oh, my God, that’s so gross and old!
Dr. Henderson: You’re right, it is.. gross and, and old.. But, enough about me. Let me hear a little something about yourself.
Melanie: About me?
Dr. Henderson: Sure.
Melanie: Okay.. um.. um.. in school, um.. I like to run, I mean I’m on the running team, the track and field team – God, I keep forgetting that name!
Dr. Henderson: [ chuckles heartily ]
Melanie: Anyway.. so, I like to run, and they say I have a lot of energy.
Dr. Henderson: Well, uh.. you look like you’re in good shape.
Melanie: Yeah. Do you wanna see my legs?
Dr. Henderson: [ hesitant ] Well.. no, I don’t..
Melanie: No, it’s okay – I’ve got good legs!
Dr. Henderson: Well, alright, I will! [ feels Melanie’s legs, falling into trance-like state ] Oh, yes, yes! Those are runner’s legs.. those are nice.. nice, firm.. runner’s legs..
Melanie: Yeah! Well, anyway, I like track in school. I mean, I guess I like school, except they make us wear this stupid uniform!
Dr. Henderson: No, I wouldn’t call it stupid..
Melanie: Oh, yeah, it’s really stupid. I mean, it’s, like, every day we have to wear, like, the same tie, and the same blouse, and the same kilt, and the same tights. I mean, the only time we’re allowed to take it off is, like, when we’re in the shower![ Dr. Henderson loses control of the car, and stops on the side of the road ]
Melanie: Why are we stopping?
Dr. Henderson: You know what? I-I-I gotta rest the carburator in this car.. you know what I’m also gonna do? I’m gonna turn off the.. heat and the lights.. just to save the battery.
Melanie: But.. but won’t we get cold?
Dr. Henderson: Well, uh.. we would get cold, if we didn’t take advantange of our, um.. body heat.
Melanie: Oh! you mean, like in the Arctic?
Dr. Henderson: That’s right, Melanie.. just like in the Arctic.
Melanie: Yeah! We’re studying that next semester!
Dr. Henderson: Yeah, well, that’ll be a hell of a thing.. Look, uh.. if you’re, uh.. thirsty, would you like some refreshments? There’s something in the glove compartment there..
Melanie: [ opens glove compartment ] Oh, my God! Is that Zima!
Dr. Henderson: That is Zima.
Melanie: Wow! Once, I almost got to have some at my Aunt’s wedding, but my Uncle took it away!
Dr. Henderson: Ohh.. well, why don’t you have one now?
Melanie: No, I shouldn’t..
Dr. Henderson: No, go on – I dare ya!
Melanie: Ohh.. okay! I can’t resist a dare!
Dr. Henderson: Sure, you can’t. You know, the funny thing about Zima is.. it tastes like candy, but you’ve gotta drink it down really fast!
Melanie: Really fast?
Dr. Henderson: Yeah, you’ve kind of just.. boom!
Melanie: Okay! [ swigs bottle back and downs the Zima ]
Dr. Henderson: And.. she’s off and running! Okay! Alright! and.. it’s gonna be Melanie by an edge, she’s coming down the finish line! Annnnd there she is, she wins the gold – that’s Melanie!
Melanie: [ burps ] Wow! You’re right, it does taste like candy!
Dr. Henderson: Yeah.. it does, doesn’t it? [ grabs to undo Melanie’s blouse ]
Melanie: Uh.. Dr. Henderson? What are you doing?
Dr. Henderson: I’m examining you – I’m a doctor!
Melanie: Yeah, but.. aren’t you, like, a foot doctor?
Dr. Henderson: Yes, I am, but, uh.. I was, uh.. upgraded.
Melanie: Oh! Congratulations!
Dr. Henderson: Well, thank you.
Melanie: Um.. can I have another Zima?
Dr. Henderson: Oh, can you have another Zima? Okay, sure!
Melanie: Don’t ever dare me – I told ya!
Dr. Henderson: [ chuckles ] Melanie, I’ve got another dare for ya.
Melanie: [ curious ] Oh, really? What?
Dr. Henderson: [ whispers in Melanie’s ear ]
Dr. Henderson: [ laughs ] There’s more! Come here, come here.. [ whispers further ]
Dr. Henderson: Alright! Let me just ask you something – Melanie, you are 18, aren’t you?
Melanie: Uh.. [ thinking ] ..yeah.. yeah..
Dr. Henderson: Yeah. Okay, that’s what I thought. And, you know that seat reclines?
Melanie: Okay! [ drops seat into reclining position ]
Dr. Henderson: Okay, there we go! [ moves in to pounce upon Melanie ] [ cut to footage of Dr. Henderson being locked in jail, as he clutches desperately to the prison bars ]
Dr. Henderson: I’d do it again! I swear to the Lord above – given the chance, I would do it again!! Do you HEAR me, society??! I’d do it AGAIIINNN!! And again! And again! And again![ cut to faraway shot of prison exterior ]
Voice of Dr. Henderson: And again! And again![ fade ]