The Beastman of Studio 8-H
Beast Man…..Fred Wolf
[ open on a spiraling overhead shot of the G.E. Building ] [ SUPER: “30 Rockefeller Plaza, New York City, 11:30 PM” ] [ dissolve to David Duchovny’s dressing room. Duchovny studies his lines, as Ellen Cleghorne enters ]
Ellen Cleghorne: Heeeey! Good luck tonight, David!
David Duchovny: Thanks, Ellen.
Ellen Cleghorne: Hey, you know, it’s a really lucky thing that you’re hosting, you know it’s really great the you’re here. And, um, you know, I just love “The X-Files”.
David Duchovny: Well, thanks.
Ellen Cleghorne: It’s just that, you know, a lot of weird things have been going on here?
David Duchovny: What do you mean, weird?
Ellen Cleghorne: Um.. like.. ohhhh.. I don’t know. People vanishing, alien apparitions, Deion Sanders hosting. That kind of weird.
David Duchovny: Uh, Ellen, I really should be getting ready for the show —
David Duchovny: What was that?
Ellen Cleghorne: Oh, come on![ Ellen and Duchovny run out of his dressing room, and discover Molly Shannon in the hall ]
David Duchovny: Molly! Molly, what happened?
Molly Shannon: I don’t know..! I was just.. I was just grabbing a snack before the show, and, then all of a sudden, it was here..!
David Duchovny: What? What was here?
Molly Shannon: It was hairy.. oh God, it was horrible!
David Duchovny: [ to Ellen ] Get her out of here, get her out of here.[ Ellen leads Molly down the hall ]
David Spade: David. Check this out.
David Duchovny: What have you got, Spade?[ they crouch on the floor over a huge footprint ]
David Spade: Some sort of footprint.
David Duchovny: That’s too big to be a human footprint. It must be some kind of animal. Get a plaster cast made of that.
David Spade: Right, I’ll.. take it to my lab.[ Duchovny stands and passes Jay Mohr, Morwenna Banks and Adam Sandler leaning against the snack table ]
David Duchovny: What about any of you? Any of you see anything?
Adam Sandler: Uh-uh.
Morwenna Banks: No.[ Kevin Nealon appears from another hallway ]
Kevin Nealon: Psst! David! Over here!
David Duchovny: What is it, Kevin?
Kevin Nealon: David, I’ve been a cast member on this show for nine years, and I’ve seen a lot of strange things, and tonight’s my last show.
David Duchovny: Kevin, does any of this have a point?
Kevin Nealon: No. I just wanted to remind people tonight’s my last show.
David Duchovny: Alright.
Kevin Nealon: You know, maybe.. maybe people could throw me a party.
David Duchovny: Kevin, I —
Kevin Nealon: Just keep it simple. Maybe make it a surprise party, or something.
David Duchovny: Hey, Kevin —
Kevin Nealon: You ever hear of the Beast Man of Studio 8-H?
David Duchovny: Beast Man? What Beast Man?
Kevin Nealon: Well, some of the older guys on the crew tell this story about this horrible man-beast who lives in the studio, back behind all the sets.
David Duchovny: You sure you’re not talking about the ghost of John Belushi?
Kevin Nealon: No, he haunts the 17th floor.
David Duchovny: What about the ghost of Joe Piscopo?
Kevin Nealon: Joe Piscopo isn’t dead.
David Duchovny: Oh, right, right, he’s alive..
Kevin Nealon: Look, David, whatever happens – trust no one.
David Duchovny: Well, Kevin, if I can’t trust anyone, how can I trust you?
Kevin Nealon: Look, I gotta get ready for my surprise party. Be careful.[ Kevin exits down the hall ]
David Duchovny: [ to himself ] I’m gonna go talk to Lorne.[ dissolve to the eerie presence of Lorne Michael’s office, dramatic music surrounds the atmosphere ] [ Duchovny enters ]
David Duchovny: Lorne? Can I have a word with you?
Lorne Michaels: Come in, David.
David Duchovny: You set me up, didn’t you, Lorne? That’s why you wanted me to host the show. Nobody here’s even heard of “The X-Files”, but you want me to take car of your Beast Man problem. Well, I won’t do it! I won’t do your dirty work![ Michael McKean creeps out from behind the shadows ]
Michael McKean: Don’t be silly, Mr. Duchovny. You’ve wanted to host the show ever since you became an actor. Now oyu have your chance. So you’ll catch the Beast Man for us. And you’ll do our little sketches, and you’ll wear our silly costumes. Because it’s all a game, Mr. Duchovny. And, right now, you’re holding the losing hand. Isn’t that right, Lorne?
Lorne Michaels: Yes, sir![ Michael McKean chuckles as Duchovny exits Lorne’s office ]
Michael McKean: Be seeing you again, Mr. Duchovny. [ extinguishes his cigarette on Lorne’s desk ] [ dissolve to Duchovny explaining his plan of action to Mark McKinney ]
David Duchovny: Well, I put some fresh cookies out, so maybe the Beast Man will —[ a loud, girlish scream is heard offscreen ] [ Mark McKinney ducks for cover, as Duchovny runs toward the scream he assumes to be Molly Shannon ]
David Duchovny: Molly! Molly, did you see it again?
Molly Shannon: Oh. No, actually, that wasn’t me screaming. It was Chris.
Chris Elliot: Yeah, it was.. me screaming. I’m sorry, my voice gets a little high when I get scared. Thank you very much, Molly!
David Duchovny: That’s okay, Chris.
Chris Elliot: Well.. I.. she..
David Duchovny: What did you see?
Chris Elliot: Well, it was the Beast Man. I was eating, and he just came by, he grabbed my food.. and he went off, and —[ something resembling the Beast Man casually walks down the far hall, causing Chris Elliot to scream like a little girl again ]
Chris Elliot: Auuugghhhh!! There he is!![ Duchovny runs down the hall ]
David Duchovny: Beast Man! Beast Man, don’t be afraid! I won’t hurt you![ Duchovny reaches the Beast Man, which turns out to be Chris Farley wearing a furry jacket ]
David Duchovny: Chris!
Chris Farley: Hey, David.. [ uncomfortable ]
David Duchovny: You’re the Beast Man?
Chris Farley: Um.. yeah.. sorry, I thought it was gonna be funny.. sorry.. [ slaps himself on the forehead ] Idiot! Stupid! Moron!
David Duchovny: It’s alright, it’s alright. Just don’t do it again.
Chris Farley: Okay, I’m sorry. Hey.. David. Um.. you know, the, um.. “X-Files” show? That is excellent!
David Duchovny: [ pleased ] Oh, really, you watch it?
Chris Farley: Um.. no. But.. [ can’t think of anything more to say ]
David Duchovny: That’s alright, Chris. Come on.
Chris Farley: Okay.[ they exit down as the hall, as the real Beast Man suddenly appears where they stood, creeps down to devour an armful of cookies while making Beast Man growls, then turns back the way he came ] [ dissolve back to Michael McKean sitting at Lorne Michaels’ desk watching a tiny TV screen. He picks up the tellephone. ]
Michael McKean: Mr. Duchovny’s getting a little too close to the truth. He may have to be stopped. Proceed with Operation: “Live From New York, It’s Saturday Night.”