1994

SNL Transcripts: David Duchovny: 05/13/95: You Think You’re Better Than Me?



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 20: Episode 20


94t: David Duchovny / Rod Stewart

You Think You’re Better Than Me?

Pete Toman…..Kevin Nealon
Announcer…..Jay Mohr
Danny Wilson…..Adam Sandler
Eileen Gallagher…..Molly Shannon
Ron Powell…..David Duchovny
…..Naomi Campbell

(Music Cue: “Tuning Up” by Ken Aldin)

Announcer: And now it’s time for “You Think You’re Better Than Me?”, and here’s your host, former dock worker Pete Toman.

Pete Toman: Hey! Welcome to “You Think You’re Better Than Me?”, the show for regular guys. Not uppity guys who think they’re better than us! Alright, our first contestant is Ron Powell. It says here, Ron, you enjoy making knives out of beer bottles and skidooing.

Ron Powell: Yeah, so what?

Pete Toman: Alright, our next contestant is currently between jobs and has a plate in her head. Welcome Eileen Gallagher. Alright, it says here , Eileen, you grew up without much money but went to school with a lot of rich people.

Eileen Gallagher: Yeah, I hated all of them bastards. I hated ’em.

Pete Toman: Alright, our third contestant is Danny Wilson. Danny, it says here you once punched a guy in the face just because he was seated in the first class section of an airplane.

Danny Wilson: Yep.

Pete Toman: It also says you can not read.

Danny Wilson: Yep.

Pete Toman: Alright, let’s start the game. Here’s our catregories: “Cut off by a Mercedes,” “People who have been on a boat,” “What’s wrong with Haggar Slacks?,” “Can’t get into the nightclub,” “College boys,” “That guy on that show,” “No shirt, no shoes, no service.” Ron, let’s start with you.

Ron Powell: I’ll take “Cut off by a Mercedes” for 300, Pete.

Pete Toman: Okay, You’re drivin down the highway, mindin’ your own business, and some guy with a pony tail drivin a…

(Danny rings in)

Danny Wilson: Pull up beside the guy, stick my ass out the window and scream “You think you’re better than me?”

(bell)

Pete Toman: Damn straight! Friggin’ fruitcake with a ponytail! That’s right, that’s right. Danny, you pick the category.

Danny Wilson: Um, eh, ah, uh, the one on the right for 100.

Pete Toman: Okay, “No shirt, no shoes, no service.” Here’s the question: You wake up on the beach, you’re waking on, your head hurts, you’re hungry, you see a restaurant, you walk in and right away some Chinese guy with an English accent points to a sign that says “No shirt, no shoes, no service.” What do you do?

(Eileen rings in)

Eileen Gallagher: Uh, put my shirt back on?

(buzzer)

Pete Toman: No.

(Ron rings in)

Pete Toman: Ron.

Ron Powell: Stare the guy down until he realizes he’s a woman, go home, come back later that night, burn the place down.

(bell)

Pete Toman: You got it Ron! Alright, alright. Very nice, very nice. Pick another category.

Ron Powell: I’ll take “That guy on that show” for 200 please.

Pete Toman: Okey dokey, here’s the clue: You know that guy on that show who walks around all high and mighty acting like he knows so much? He needs a punch in the face…

(Danny rings in)

Pete Toman: Danny.

Danny Wilson: Peter Jennings!

Pete Toman: I hear ya, Danny! I hear ya! Alright, choose a category.

Danny Wilson: Uhh, you pick it.

Pete Toman: Alright, how about “Can’t get into that nightclub” for 400 dollars. Alright, let’s see: You’re standing outside a nightclub. The bouncer tells you he can’t let anymore people inside but 30 seconds later he lets five guys wearing makeup in. What do you do?

(Eileen rings in)

Pete Toman: Eileen.

Eileen Gallagher: Take my shirt off?

(buzzer)

Pete Toman: No.

Eileen Gallagher: Damn it!

(Ron rings in)

Pete Toman: Ron.

Ron Powell: Stare the guy down until he asks you to come in, then say “No! Now I don’t wanna come in!”, come home, take a nap, come back at five in the morning, burn the place down.

(bell)

Pete Toman: That’s right Ron! You are right! Very nice, very nice. Jeez, we are out of time. Ron and Danny, you’re uh tied which means you’re going to our tiebreaker round. Eileen, you have 0 points, time for you to leave.

Eileen Gallagher: Okay, you all think you’re better than me, dontcha? You think your CRAP don’t STINK? You’re garbage! You’re all garbage!

(Eileen leaves)

Pete Toman: Alright, settle down. The tiebreaker category is “box seats”, “box seats.” Here’s the question: You’re sitting in the upper deck and you spot an empty box seat and sit there. Five minutes later, an usher asks to see your ticket. Everyone is staring at you. What do you do?

(think music, players write their answers)

(buzzer)

Pete Toman: All right, time’s up. Ron, let’s see what you got here. Okay, (reading from Ron’s placard) “Tell them you don’t have a ticket for that seat but you’re not going to move, Continue watching the game while they round up six or seven security guards to physically remove you, get dragged out screaming ‘You’re all gonna pay!’, come back later, realize you can’t burn the whole stadium down, follow a security guard home, burn his house down.”

(bell)

Pete Toman: That’s correct! All right! Nice playing Ronnie! Okay, how about you Danny?

(Danny holds up his placard full of illegible scribbles)

Pete Toman: Oh yeah, you don’t know how to write either.

Danny Wilson: Yep.

Pete Toman: All right. Ron, you’re our new champion! Let’s go to the bonus round!

(Naomi Campbell walks in)

Pete Toman: Ladies and gentlemen, please say hello to supermodel Naomi Campbell. Nice to meet you Naomi. Okay Ron, you will win a brand new El Camino and a pair of Dingo Boots just like Joe Namath used to wear if you can talk to Naomi for 60 seconds without saying “You think you’re better than me?” Okay, you ready, Ron?

Ron Powell: You bet

Pete Toman: Okay start now.

Ron Powell: So, Naomi, you want to do something after this show?

Naomi Campbell: Maybe some other time.

Ron Powell: What, have you got a boyfriend or something?

Naomi Campbell: No, I don’t have time for boyfriends.

Ron Powell: Who do you like better, Fuji or Tanaka?

Naomi Campbell: I’m not into photos or wrestling.

Ron Powell: What, you think you’re… You think you’re… tall?

Naomi Campbell: Well, I guess so.

Ron Powell: how much did that dress cost?

Naomi Campbell: Actually, Versace gave it to me.

Ron Powell: What, do you think you’re better than me?

(buzzer)

Pete Toman: Oh, sorry Ron! You messed up, you messed up, but you can try again next week on “You think you’re better than me?” Good night!

(Music Cue: “Tuning Up”, title card, fade out)

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

avatar
  Subscribe  
Notify of