The Polar Bear Sketch
… Chris Farley
… Tim Meadows
… Jay Mohr
… Adam Sandler
… Norm MacDonald
… David Duchovny
[A sign reads: DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. We pull backto reveal a zoo setting. Chris Farley, Tim Meadows,Jay Mohr, Adam Sandler and Norm MacDonald enter andline up at a railing overlooking the polar bearpit.]
Chris Farley: Aw, man! Isn’t the zoo thebest, man?
Tim Meadows: I know, I can’t believe it was -how easy it was to get into the zoo. We just hoppedthe fence.[Cut to a brief shot of a polar bear down in the pitbefore returning to the five guys above.]
Jay Mohr: Hey, look at this polar bear cage.Hey, you think I can swim the little moat both waysbefore the bear eats me?
Adam Sandler: Five bucks says you can’t.
Jay Mohr: All right. Read ’em and weep, myfriend![Mohr jumps the railing into the polar bear pit. Hedisappears from view and we hear a loud splash as hehits the water below.]
Norm MacDonald: “Read ’em and weep”? You say”Read ’em and weep” before you lay down your cards inpoker, not before you jump into a polar bear cage.
Tim Meadows: Yeah, okay, Mr. Dictionary.
Norm MacDonald: “Mr. Dictionary”? How doesknowing about poker make me “Mr. Dictionary”?
Tim Meadows: Ah, no, I wasn’t talking to you.[Off screen, the polar bear roars and eats Mohr whoscreams horribly. After a moment, a large quantity ofMohr’s blood splashes up from the pit and soaksFarley, Meadows, MacDonald, and Sandler.]
Chris Farley: [squinting] What happened?! Whathappened? Did the bear get him? I’m not wearing myglasses!
Norm MacDonald: [casually] Yeah, the polar bearkilled Jay. [quickly, to Meadows] What do you mean youweren’t talking to me? You were looking right at me!Who were you calling “Mr. Dictionary”?
Tim Meadows: Look, I’m gonna go in and haulJay’s body up, okay? I’ll let you guys argue amongstyourselves.
Norm MacDonald: Noooo, us guys aren’t arguingamongst ourselves. I’m arguing with you.
Tim Meadows: [starts climbing over the railing]Yeah, well what can I say? I mean, after all, you knoweverything, Mr. Dictionary![Meadows hollers the last word of his line as he jumpsinto the pit and disappears with a splash.]
Chris Farley: [laughs, to MacDonald] “Mr.Dictionary”! Oh, my God! He totally burned you,man! [roars with laughter] Oh, you better hopethat nickname doesn’t stick, Mr. Dictionary![laughs] Aww, man, you’re a book filled with wordmeanings! Oy, oy, oy![The polar bear roars and eats a screaming Meadowswhose blood splashes up on Farley, MacDonald, andSandler.]
Chris Farley: What happened? I’m not wearing myglasses. Did the bear get him again?
Adam Sandler: Hey, would you put your damnglasses on? We shouldn’t have to tell you every timethe bear eats one of us.[Farley shakes his bloodied head, pulls out histhick-framed Matt Foley eyeglasses and puts them on.]
Chris Farley: Oh, my God! That bear ripped offtheir heads like so much volleyball!
Norm MacDonald: “Like so much volleyball”? Whoare you, the Mighty Thor? … Nobody talks like that.
Chris Farley: [at a loss for words] Yeah – uh -I think – you’re a sack of crap like so much– Mr.Dictionary![Farley laughs and Sandler joins in.]
Adam Sandler: [to Farley] Ha ha ha, yeah! Allright, good one, man. High five me on that one!
Chris Farley: Yeah, baby![Instead of giving Farley a high five, Sandler smackshim in the face and knocks his glasses off.]
Chris Farley: [in pain] Ohhhh!
Adam Sandler: [laughs, recovers, to Farley] Allright, I gotta say I’m sick of you. And I’m sick ofthat polar bear. I’m going in.
Norm MacDonald: Hey, hey, Adam, if you’re goinginto that cage, you know, be careful, ’cause, uh, thatbear is still in there.
Adam Sandler: Oh, my lord. I swear to God,Norm, that was the stupidest thing you’ve ever said.Where would the bear be? Do you think I think that itgot wings and flew up to Canada — where everybodytalks like you and says “arse” instead of “ass”?You’re very stupid, Norm. But you know that.[Sandler climbs the railing and jumps into the pit.]
Adam Sandler: Wheeeee![Sandler disappears with a splash. Only Farley andMacDonald are left at the railing.]
Norm MacDonald: Man, did you hear that? Hecalls me stupid. He just jumped into the polar bearcage, eh? Who do you think is stupider, the guy whojumps into a polar cage or the fella people like tocall “Mr. Dictionary”?[The polar bear roars and eats Sandler who yells “Oh,my God!” Sandler’s blood splashes up on Farley andMacDonald.]
Norm MacDonald: Well, uh, Farley, did you ordid you not hear me tell him that, ah, there was abear still in that cage, eh?
Chris Farley: Well, you know what, I wasn’treally listening that much ’cause, uh, I was tryin’ toremember who’s been killed. [counts on his fingers]All right, I know Adam Sandler.
Norm MacDonald: Right.
Chris Farley: And, before him, TimMeadows.
Norm MacDonald: Yeah.
Chris Farley: But, ah, who – who was the firstguy that went in there?
Norm MacDonald: Are you serious? You forgotwhich of our buddies was killed first? It was – it wasJay Mohr, you arse!
Chris Farley: Yeah, yeah, but, um … what -what’s Jay’s middle name? I forget.
Norm MacDonald: You forget Jay’s middle name?It’s Gaylord!
Chris Farley: I know you are! Ha ha! Aya ayaaya aya aya aya! You’re Gaylord! Get it? Gay – lord,Gaylord, Gaylord, Gaylord! [high-pitched giggle, thenlapses into a deranged Southern accent] And on thathighly successful burn, I’m goin’ into the polar bearcage and get myself some wallets so I can get somebeer money! Adios!
[With an incomprehensible exclamation, Farley haulshimself over the railing and falls into the pit with asplash. MacDonald watches as the roaring polar beareats the screaming Farley. More blood flies up andsoaks MacDonald who is by now thoroughly drenched.]
Norm MacDonald: Well … You know what? I’mgonna jump in there because, ah, I’m sure the bear isfull by now. … And then I’m gonna stick my fingerdown its throat and let it throw up at least one of mybuddies. If the buddy who comes up is too digestedalready, I’ll throw him back in. [stroking his chinthoughtfully] It’s the perfect plan.[MacDonald vaults the railing into the pit with asplash. The polar bear roars and eats the screamingMacDonald whose blood splashes up on the now emptyscene. Dissolve to host David Duchovny who stands infront of a curtain addressing the camera.]
David Duchovny: Hi, I’m David Duchovny. Thepreceding segment was not a sketch. It was filmedentirely at the Central Park Zoo with hidden cameras.The participants involved had no idea they were beingfilmed. I ran this as a warning to other potentialSaturday Night Live hosts. These are the typeof people you deal with all week long. Thankyou.[Applause, dissolve to bumper with photo of squattinghost.]
Brilliant. Harkens back to Michael O’Donoghue malevolence when you see it written.