Rock & Roll Real Estate Agent


Rock & Roll Real Estate Agent

Agent…..Molly Shannon
Tom…..David Duchovny
Wife…..Morwenna Banks
Richard…..Jay Mohr


[ open on real estate office, Agent speaking on the phone ]

Agent: So, once again, congratulations! I now you’re going to be very happy in your new home. Well, that’s what we do here at Horizon Realty – we make dreams come true. Alrighty, bye bye!

Tom: Hi.

Agent: Hi.

Tom: We’re new in the neighborhood, and we’re looking for a three-bedroom.

Wife: You know, maybe something with a split-level.

Agent: Very good. Richard can help you. Richard?

[ we see Richard sitting at his desk, he looks like an old rocker ]

Agent: These folks are interested in a three-bedroom.

Richard: Well, alriiiiight!! [ jumps out of his chair, his real estate clothes mixed fashionably with tight, leather pants ] Nice ta MEETCHA!! How ya doin’ out there toniiiiiiight! Wow!

Tom: Fine.. thanks.

Richard: Well, alriiiiiight!! Let me go get my book! I’ve got some gorgeous three-bedrooms in the area! Woooooooooooooowww-ow!

Wife: Honey, do we know him?

Tom: He does seem very familiar.

Agent: Oh, Richard used to be the lead singer of Sidewinder before they broke up.

Wife: Sidewinder?

Agent: Yeah. Remember they had that hit “Lick It”?

Richard: Yeah, that’s riiight!
[ singing ]
Lick it!
Kick it!
Rock it, knock it down, downm down!

Owww!

[ back to business ]

I got a great split-level in, uh, Oakdale Heights. A bit of a fixer-upper, but it’s a steal.

Wife: Uh, no, you see.. we need to move right in, because Tom’s been transferred from St. Louis, and —

Richard: St. Louis rocks big-time! Am I riiiiiight?!

Tom: Yeah.

Richard: I can’t heeeeeeear yoooooooouuu!!

Tom: Yes, St. Louis rocks!

Richard: Alright, now I’ve got osmething you might like in Sherwood Hills. That’s a good school district, daddy – community pool, little league, and you’re only ten minutes from downtown. Woooooooowwww!!

Agent: Uh, Richard? Richard! The Ericksons are on line 3!

Richard: Uh, excuse me, I gotta take this. [ sits at his desk and picks up his phone ] Wooooooooowwwwww!! This is Richard. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Well, tell the bank you want a fixed rate at 7.35%. Alriiiiiight?!! Owwwwwwwww!!!

Tom: Uh, my wife has asthma, so we’re looking for something with central ir.

Richard: Oh, I hear you, St. Louis! You want it nice and cooooool, so you can cuddle up and get warm with your lady!

Tom: Well, yeah. And, she has asthma.

Richard: Alriiiiight! Central air ROCKS!! Is that what you want, St. Louis!

Tom: Yeah, that’d be nice.

Richard: Well, then that’s.. what you’re gonna get! Wooooowwww!! Alriiiiiight!! Good night! We love you! [ jumps on top of the file cabinet and back to the floor ] Come on! Wooooooowww!! Yeah!! [ exits to back room ]

[ Agent claps, and encourages the couple to do the same as she holds up a cigarette lighter for an encore ]

Richard: Whoooooo!! Alright! I knew you wouldn’t let me down, St. Louis! You want to ROCK all night! And that’s good. Now.. [ puts on a pair of reading glasses ] I got just the house you might be looking for. Come on. How’s this sound. [ opens his book ] I got central air, three-bedroom, two-and-a-half bath, at $179,900, with an assumable mortage. Yooooooowwww!!!

Wife: Well, that sounds fabulous, doesn’t it, honey?

Tom: Yes, yes! When can we see it?

Richard: I can’t heeeeeear you!

Tom: When can we see it?

Richard: [ removes his glasses ] I can’t heeeeeear yoooooooouuuu!!

Wife: Uh, look, seriously, we’d like to see the house.

Richard: I’m serious, too. I’m deaf as a doornail. Fiftenn years in front of speakers, baby!

Wife: God, I’m so sorry. [ picks up her voice ] When can we see it!

Richard: Well, if you’re ready to ROCK! I’m ready to roll! Wooooooowww!! Let’s take my car, it’s the Volvo Wagon! [ dancing ] You’re gonna looooove this plaaaaaace!! Whoooooo!! Come on, come on, come on! Let’s go!

[ he leads the couple out of the door ]

Richard: [ to Agent ] I’ll be back in an hour.

[ zoom in, as they exit, to a plaque on the wall next to the door, which reads: “Broker of the Month – Richard Bruce” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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