Rock & Roll Real Estate Agent


Rock & Roll Real Estate Agent

Agent…..Molly Shannon
Tom…..David Duchovny
Wife…..Morwenna Banks
Richard…..Jay Mohr


[ open on real estate office, Agent speaking on the phone ]

Agent: So, once again, congratulations! I now you’re going to be very happy in your new home. Well, that’s what we do here at Horizon Realty – we make dreams come true. Alrighty, bye bye!

Tom: Hi.

Agent: Hi.

Tom: We’re new in the neighborhood, and we’re looking for a three-bedroom.

Wife: You know, maybe something with a split-level.

Agent: Very good. Richard can help you. Richard?

[ we see Richard sitting at his desk, he looks like an old rocker ]

Agent: These folks are interested in a three-bedroom.

Richard: Well, alriiiiight!! [ jumps out of his chair, his real estate clothes mixed fashionably with tight, leather pants ] Nice ta MEETCHA!! How ya doin’ out there toniiiiiiight! Wow!

Tom: Fine.. thanks.

Richard: Well, alriiiiiight!! Let me go get my book! I’ve got some gorgeous three-bedrooms in the area! Woooooooooooooowww-ow!

Wife: Honey, do we know him?

Tom: He does seem very familiar.

Agent: Oh, Richard used to be the lead singer of Sidewinder before they broke up.

Wife: Sidewinder?

Agent: Yeah. Remember they had that hit “Lick It”?

Richard: Yeah, that’s riiight!
[ singing ]Lick it!
Kick it!
Rock it, knock it down, downm down!

Owww!

[ back to business ]

I got a great split-level in, uh, Oakdale Heights. A bit of a fixer-upper, but it’s a steal.

Wife: Uh, no, you see.. we need to move right in, because Tom’s been transferred from St. Louis, and —

Richard: St. Louis rocks big-time! Am I riiiiiight?!

Tom: Yeah.

Richard: I can’t heeeeeeear yoooooooouuu!!

Tom: Yes, St. Louis rocks!

Richard: Alright, now I’ve got osmething you might like in Sherwood Hills. That’s a good school district, daddy – community pool, little league, and you’re only ten minutes from downtown. Woooooooowwww!!

Agent: Uh, Richard? Richard! The Ericksons are on line 3!

Richard: Uh, excuse me, I gotta take this. [ sits at his desk and picks up his phone ] Wooooooooowwwwww!! This is Richard. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Well, tell the bank you want a fixed rate at 7.35%. Alriiiiiight?!! Owwwwwwwww!!!

Tom: Uh, my wife has asthma, so we’re looking for something with central ir.

Richard: Oh, I hear you, St. Louis! You want it nice and cooooool, so you can cuddle up and get warm with your lady!

Tom: Well, yeah. And, she has asthma.

Richard: Alriiiiight! Central air ROCKS!! Is that what you want, St. Louis!

Tom: Yeah, that’d be nice.

Richard: Well, then that’s.. what you’re gonna get! Wooooowwww!! Alriiiiiight!! Good night! We love you! [ jumps on top of the file cabinet and back to the floor ] Come on! Wooooooowww!! Yeah!! [ exits to back room ] [ Agent claps, and encourages the couple to do the same as she holds up a cigarette lighter for an encore ]

Richard: Whoooooo!! Alright! I knew you wouldn’t let me down, St. Louis! You want to ROCK all night! And that’s good. Now.. [ puts on a pair of reading glasses ] I got just the house you might be looking for. Come on. How’s this sound. [ opens his book ] I got central air, three-bedroom, two-and-a-half bath, at $179,900, with an assumable mortage. Yooooooowwww!!!

Wife: Well, that sounds fabulous, doesn’t it, honey?

Tom: Yes, yes! When can we see it?

Richard: I can’t heeeeeear you!

Tom: When can we see it?

Richard: [ removes his glasses ] I can’t heeeeeear yoooooooouuuu!!

Wife: Uh, look, seriously, we’d like to see the house.

Richard: I’m serious, too. I’m deaf as a doornail. Fiftenn years in front of speakers, baby!

Wife: God, I’m so sorry. [ picks up her voice ] When can we see it!

Richard: Well, if you’re ready to ROCK! I’m ready to roll! Wooooooowww!! Let’s take my car, it’s the Volvo Wagon! [ dancing ] You’re gonna looooove this plaaaaaace!! Whoooooo!! Come on, come on, come on! Let’s go!

[ he leads the couple out of the door ]

Richard: [ to Agent ] I’ll be back in an hour.

[ zoom in, as they exit, to a plaque on the wall next to the door, which reads: “Broker of the Month – Richard Bruce” ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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