Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald
… Norm MacDonald
… Laura Kightlinger
Adam West … Michael McKean
Robin … David Duchovny
… Adam Sandler
[Norm MacDonald sits at the WU desk, removing thepaper clip from his well-organized sheaf of papers.Music. SUPER: WEEKEND UPDATE / NORM MacDONALD]
Don Pardo V/O: Weekend Update with NormMacDonald!
[Cheers and applause.]
Norm MacDonald: Hi, I’m Norm Macdonald, thankyou. Thanks. Thank you. [clears throat] I’m NormMacDonald and this is the news:
It is now believed that in the months before theOklahoma bombing, suspect Timothy McVeigh may havesold drugs. Boy, is he in trouble now! Huh?With that–? …
A deadly outbreak of the Ebola virus is said to beresponsible for more than one hundred deaths in Africa– and a couple of really bad movies here in theUnited States. …
[Photo of O. J. Simpson standing in courtroom with hisarms outstretched] Well, in a questionable move by thedefense team, this week, O. J. Simpson demonstratedhow to stab two people at the same time. … [cheersand applause]
A Labor Department study shows that the number oftemporary workers rose to two million in 1994. Andthat study doesn’t even include, the mosttemporary of the temporarily unemployed — KatoKaelin. … [shakes his head dismissively at the joke,chuckles]
Norm MacDonald: Now, we’d like to talk to LauraKightlinger and find out what she’ll be doing over thesummer break. [applause]
Laura Kightlinger: Well, thank you.
Norm MacDonald: Laura.
Laura Kightlinger: Hi. Thank you. Thanks,Norm.
Well, you know, June is coming up so everyone,everyone I know will be either getting marriedor giving birth which means I’ll be spending yetanother summer ripping up baby pictures and weddinginvitations. … And, you know, I sometimes wonder,you know, should I just force myself to go to theseweddings? Or should I turn on a pitching machine andlet the balls hit my face? … Hmm. I don’t know, itjust seems like most of my friends from high schoolhave long since tied the knot and I’m getting older,so maybe I should think about hanging my self….
And since most of my married friends have babies, I’vejust lost all hope for a normal conversation with themon the phone. [glumly, into an imaginary phone] Uh,hi, Karen. Karen? [as a hyper, excited mother] “Hi,Laura! Wait! Joshua wants to say hello to you! Say,hi, Josh! Say, hi! Say, hi! Say, hi! Josh, say, hi!”[as her glum self] Hi, Josh. Listen, uh, I’ve justtaken a handful of pills. … Can you get your motherback on the phone?” [as hyper, excited mother] “Didyou hear him?! He said, “Hi!”
I don’t know, I just– I guess I’m just not convincedthat getting married and having babies is the answer.And I know that there are happy marriages butit’s because of some freak alignment of souls. And Ihave a friend who experienced such an alignment. Shewas the girl in grade school who went blind fromsitting too close to the TV and she married the guy ingrade school who made a face and it stayed that way…. In fact, I just got a picture of their lovelytoddler who broke his neck from leaning back in achair. …
You know, all right, now – now maybe they are atruly happy family — but families are neverwhat they appear to be. You know, I was in the parkand I saw a father playing catch with his two youngsons — and then his wife came over, swore at him,slapped the kids, and threw their ball away. And thatjust hit me so hard — because my mom never didanything with us.
Norm MacDonald: Hey, Laura, I, er–
Laura Kightlinger: Yeah?
Norm MacDonald: I bet this has some kind ofhappy ending, huh?
Laura Kightlinger: No. No, Norm. Itdoesn’t.
Norm MacDonald: Oh.
Laura Kightlinger: But, you know? Despite mytone, I do believe in love. To me, therewould be nothing more gratifying than justlying next to someone that I’ve been with for years ina safe, sterile environment and allowing that personto do – [chuckles] whatever it is he does -into a laundered towel. … And, if I can have that,then maybe–
Norm MacDonald: Yeah, maybe what?
Laura Kightlinger: Well, maybe marriage is inmy future.
Norm MacDonald: [unenthusiastic] We-e-ell, Icertainly – envy the lucky guy that winds up with youthere, Laura. …
Laura Kightlinger: You do, Norm?
Norm MacDonald: Yeah.
Laura Kightlinger: Aww, thanks.
Norm MacDonald: Yeah, that’s all right. Allright. [polite applause] Laura Kightlinger,everybody.
Well, Gary Busey left the hospital this week afteroverdosing on cocaine last Friday. Doctors say Buseyis okay and he should be back in the hospitalin no time. …
Well, crime is down nearly twenty per cent in New YorkCity with only three hundred and eighty-four murdersso far this year. Only three hundred andeighty-four? You know, if you ask me, that’s stillthree hundred and seven too many. … [mumbles] That’swhat I think.
The Walt Disney Company has announced plans to build athree hundred million dollar hotel and entertainmentcomplex in New York’s Times Square. Constructionbegins next spring on their first attraction —Crack Whores of the Caribbean! …[applause]
Norm MacDonald: Well, the summer movie seasonis just around the corner and one of the biggestreleases this year is the new Batman Forever.Here, now, with his review, is the original Batman,Mr. Adam West. Adam? [applause for the bespectacledold actor with the hopelessly square, deadpandelivery]
Adam West: Thank you, thank you. Thank you,Norm. Hail, good citizens of Gotham. With Bat-maniasweeping the nation, what better way to celebrate,than with my new book, “Back to the Batcave” — avirtual cornucopia of beloved bat-stories. [to Norm]For example, old friend, did you know … that theydon’t let me wear the mask any more. They’vethreatened to sue me if I appeared in public as the -Caped Crusader.
Norm MacDonald: [uninterested in bat-trivia]Ahh, that’s great, Adam. Hey – hey, how about that newBatman Forever movie, eh?
Adam West: Here’s an interesting – bat-fact,old chum: Cesar Romero played the Joker, but, youknow, he never shaved his mustache. Ha ha! [soberly]He’s dead now.
Norm MacDonald: [couldn’t care less] That’sgreat. Hey! What about Val Kilmer? You know, the newBatman?
Adam West: I wanted to play – Uncle Batman. He- he would be an older, distinguished gentleman –much like yourself, Commissioner Gordon. … And hewould help Batman fight crime! Ha! … Didn’t happen.
Norm MacDonald: Look, ah —
Adam West: Didn’t happen.
Norm MacDonald: Adam, are you gonna talk aboutthe new Batman movie here?
Adam West: Excuse me, Commissioner Gordon, I -I have to go. [abruptly exits]
Norm MacDonald: Adam West, ladies andgentlemen. Adam West. [polite applause] All right,well, in Russia this week, Boris Yeltsin, ah–
[Suddenly, Adam West returns, wearing Batman’s capeand cowl.]
Adam West as Batman: Evildoers, beware!
Norm MacDonald: [unnerved] Ohh, my God!
Adam West as Batman: It is I, Batman!
Norm MacDonald: Ohh, hey, ah – ah,Batman … Hey what – what happened to AdamWest, wasn’t he–?
Adam West as Batman: You mean – millionaireBruce Wayne? Why, he’s at a board meeting at WayneIndustries.
Norm MacDonald: Yeah, right, hey, Adam, ah,seriously, you know, you’re not supposed to be wearingthat mask and cape in public. You know, somebody’sprobably watchin’–
Adam West as Batman: Let them sue me, Norm! Ifyou persist in calling me “Adam,” I – I’ll be forcedto use the bat-ray on you! [grabs at his pants, makingNorm nervous]
Norm MacDonald: [uncomfortable] Ohh, ah…
Adam West as Batman: [reassuring Norm] It’shere on my belt, don’t worry!
Norm MacDonald: [chuckles] No, no, no. Really.They’ll – they’ll sue you.
Adam West as Batman: [completely loses it] Isay let them, Norm! Then we’ll see who the true Batmanis! I’m Batman! Val Kilmer isn’t fit to wear mybat-tights. Do you hear me, Val? Do you hear me?!?!Aaagggggghhhhhh!
[Wearing mask and colorful costume, Batman’s youthfulsidekick, Robin the Boy Wonder, runs in and puts hishands on Adam West’s shoulders.]
Robin: Holy Not-Taking-Your-Medication, Batman!…
Adam West as Batman: Robin? Robin? Is that you,my ward? Help me!
Robin: Yes, Adam.
Adam West as Batman: I don’t know where I am.
Robin: I’ve come to take you home.
Adam West as Batman: Where – where is “home”?
Robin: The bat cave!
Adam West as Batman: [terrified] No! No! I’mafraid of bats! No!
Robin: [reassuring] I’ll take care of you.
Adam West as Batman: [calms down a little]Thank you, old chum!
[Batman and Robin exit.]
Norm MacDonald: Adam West again, ladies andgentlemen. [applause] And – the other guy, Burt Ward,was with him.
The American Academy of Pediatrics has released anupdated list of unsafe baby products. Topping the listthis year, is the really, really, really, really highchair. …
Well, last Friday in Washington D. C., the city’selementary school students pledged to stay drug freeas a gift to their moms on Mother’s Day. Meanwhile, D.C. Mayor Marion Barry … got his mom a great big boxof chocolates. …
Norm MacDonald: And now, here with a Mother’sDay message, Weekend Update’s own, and my hero, AdamSandler! [cheers and applause]
Adam Sandler: Thank you. Thank you! Thank you,thank you. Thank you, thank you. When we, uh, think ofMother’s Day, we always think of flowers and candy andtakin’ mom to dinner — you know, nice things. Buttonight I thought we should pay a little respect tosome moms who don’t have it so easy. Single moms. Thisyear there are over eight million single mothers outthere in this country alone. Eight million women whohave to act as both mother and father. One special daya year just isn’t enough for these brave, braveladies. Call me a feminist but, if you’re lookin’ forheroes, I’d say these women have Jordan and Gretzkybeat by a long shot. [spontaneous applause]
But, you know, what – what’s weird is, no one takesthe time to take care of them, make them feelspecial. Not just as mothers, but as women.Beautiful, beautiful women. So, I’d just like to sayto all you single moms out there, when you’re feelin’discouraged — like it’s all just too much for onegirl to take — little Adam’s here to make everythingall right. … That’s right, mama … I’m gonna make -I’m gonna make yo’ every fantasy come true. [sultrymusic begins; lights slowly dim; Sandler intones aspoken monologue over the music, as if on an early’70s soul hit:]
Dat man who walked out on you had to be crazy,baby,
What with your body lookin’ so right.
But you don’t have to be lonely tonight.
You know, mama, I hear you like to give your kids icecream.
Well, I like to eat ice cream, too.
But I hate eatin’ it out of a bowl.
Maybe you wanna tell little Adam where to that eat icecream off of.
Norm MacDonald: Whoa! Geez!
Adam Sandler: What?
Norm MacDonald: Adam, this is gettin’ a littleinappropriate here. …
Adam Sandler: Wait, Norm. I’m gettin’ to thegood part. …
[light changes to a smoky blue; a spotlit Sandlersings]
Turn out the lights, single mama!
Mother’s Day is he-ere!
Put away those diapers, pretty darlin’!
Take off that girdle and brassiere! …
The kids are fast asleep, pretty mama!
Time for the adults to get naughty!
You look so hot in that terry cloth robe!
Let it fall to the ground – oh, Lordy!
[Trio of soul singers enter, dressed in black, andstand behind Sandler, singing.]
Adam Sandler: ‘Cause I’m your SingleMother’s Day present, baby!
Singers: Ooh, baby!
Adam Sandler: And I can go all nightlong!
Singers: Ahhh, go all nightlong!
Adam Sandler and Singers: Not once, nottwice —
Adam Sandler: But three times, baby!
And I’ll sing you my Turkey Song!
Singers: Ooooh waahhhh! Turkey lurkeydoo!
Adam Sandler: I’ll do it foryou!
Singers: Turkey lurkey dee!
Adam Sandler: Take a big bite out ofme!
Singers: Turkey lurkey dactic!
Adam Sandler: I’ll make sure to wear aprophylactic!
Singers: Turkey lurkey lie!
Adam Sandler: Sammy Davis, Junior, only had- one – eye!
Singers: Doo, doo, one eye!
[Song ends to huge cheers and applause]
Adam Sandler: [shouts] Happy Mother’s Day![waves to camera, shakes hands with singers]
Norm MacDonald: Adam Sandler, everybody! That’sit, folks. See ya next year!
[Music. Norm manfully shakes hands with Sandler whowaves again. Norm nods and waves acknowledgment to thesingers as he removes the microphone from his necktie.Fade.]
Submitted Anonymously
