SNL Transcripts: David Duchovny: 05/13/95: Zagat’s



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 20: Episode 20


94t: David Duchovny / Rod Stewart

Zagat’s

Hank Gelfand…..Adam Sandler
Beverly Gelfand…..Chris Farley
Pauline…..David Duchovny

[Open in on a graphic showing a restaurant dinette set with “ZAGAT’S” written at the top in bold white letters]

Announcer V/O: “Zagat’s, with your hosts, Hank and Beverly Gelfand.

[The graphic adds the hosts’ names before fading away. The camera now shows Hank and Beverly Gelfand sitting in their living room.]

Beverly: Hello, and welcome to Zagat’s. I’m Bev Gelfand, and this is my husband Hank.

Hank: (aggravated) What do you want?

Beverly: Hank and I are celebrating our 35th wedding anniversary tonight, and we’re very excited, Hank and I.

Hank: No!

Beverly: We’re going out to dinner for the occasion, but we can’t decide where to go. Do you know where you want to go, Hank?

Hank: Go away!

Beverly: Well, maybe we can all find a place in our Zagat’s New York Restaurant Guide! (Beverly grabs a Zagat’s guide from under the table) Let’s take a look together! ( She gives a smile to the audience, and then to a barely interested Hank)

Hank: Dear God, here we go.

[Beverly fingers through the book]

Beverly: Oh, here’s one, It’s called “Patty’s Place” on 12th Street, there’s an art decor interior, and an international cuisine. That sounds like a lot of fun! (She gives a giant smile)

Hank: My father said, “Get married.” He should rot in his grave!

[Beverly fingers through the book again]

Beverly: How about “Mario’s Restaurant”? (reads) “Mini-Pizzas and delish desserts make this Italian eatery a must! Ravioli? Holy Cannoli!” (She smiles once again, Hank shakes his head dissaprovingly)

Hank: Day and night she talks, each word more useless than the next.

Beverly: (still reading) “The City Steakhouse serves the best beef in town, their sensual setting will set the mood for any romantic rendez-vous” Oh, hear that Hank?

[Beverly rubs Hank’s leg while giving another giant smile, Adam Sandler starts cracking up]

Hank: Give me cancer now, God!

Beverly: (reading) “Find southern fare at Charlie’s, there’s fried chicken and first-rate sevice, so come on down y’all, y’hear?”

[Hank grabs the book and rips it up, then there’s a moment of silence.]

Beverly: Hank and I have decided to spend a nice quiet evening at home, isn’t that right, Hank?

Hank: The book is gone,but the mouth goes on!

Beverly: Since we’re staying at home, maybe we can watch some television. Let’s find a show to watch in our…TV Guide! (picks up a TV Guide)

Hank: Just when I thought I was out, she drags me back in!

Beverly: Oh, here’s one, “Murder She Wrote”, Jessica investigates a suspicious Hollywood murder and exposes the real killer. Oh, I just love her, she’s so smart! (She gives another big smile)

Hank: See if there’s a program about shutting the hell up!

[Beverly gives a quick glare at the camera]

Pauline (V/O): Surprise!

[Pauline walks in, she has a present in her hand]

Beverly: Heavens to Betsy!

Pauline: Hi Beverly!, Hi Hank!

Beverly: Heavens to Betsy, it’s my sister, Pauline! What in heavens are you doing here?

Pauline: Well, I knew that you and Hank would be celebrating your 35th wedding anniversary, knock wood (knocks hand on Hank’s head) So I thought that I’d stop by with a present! (Gives present to Beverlywhile Pauline sits down next to Hank)

Beverly: Oh,you shouldn’t have, isn’t that nice, Hank? Look how pretty it is!

Hank: Please let it be a gun!

[Beverly opens up the present revealing another Zagat’s Guide, much to Hank’s dismay.]

Beverly: Oh, perfect! Look, Hank, Pauline bought us Zagat’s Restaurant Guide. We used to have one but um…Hank misplaced it.

[Beverly gives a taunting look at Hank.]

Pauline: Wait til’ you see sis, they’ve got the greatest restaurants in there!

Hank: I’m in the middle of a moron sandwich!

[Pauline takes the guide and begins reading it.]

Pauline: Oh, here, look (reads) “The Oyster Club, for the best clam chowder in town, all aboard for fine fish cuisine!” Mmm!

Beverly: (imitating a boat) Hoot Hoot! Yummy! Oh, let me take a look.

[Beverly takes the book and flips through it.]

Beverly: (reading) Oh, look, “The Cajun Club for catfish and gumbo galore. Mardi Gras every night, you’ll dance with delight” (laughs) That rhymes! That rhymes, doesn’t it, Hank? (tickles Hank) C’mere!

Hank: I’ve got stupid in stereo! (Beverly stops tickling him,Hank takes out some pills from the side of his chair) Sleeping pills, my only friend.

[Pauline takes the book while Hank pours the whole bottle of pills down his throat]

Pauline: Oh, here, my turn. (reads) “Care for chinese food? Try Uncle Chang’s, they’ve got the best egg rolls in town and don’t forget the dumplings!

Beverly: Don’t worry, I never do!

[Hank falls onto the table, knocked out from his sedatives. Beverly moves into Hank’s chair and takes the book from Pauline]

Beverly: Oh, here’s a place, let’s see, (reads) Oh, “Sullivan’s, for Irish food and fun, the fish and chips are fabulous, don’t just fill up on the soda bread!”

[The camera shows the graphic from the beginning]

Announcer (V/O): This has been Zagat’s with your hosts, Hank and Beverly Gelfand.

Submitted by: Nathan Jorgensen

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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