SNL Transcripts: Mariel Hemingway: 09/30/95: Leg Up!


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 21: Episode 1

95a: Mariel Hemingway / Blues Traveler

Leg Up!

Ann Miller…..Molly Shannon
Debbie Reynolds…..Cheri Oteri
Elizabeth Berkeley…..Mariel Hemingway

Announcer: Welcome to Leg Up! With your hosts, Hollywood dance legend Ann Miller and America’s sweetheart Debbie Reynolds!

Ann Miller: I’ve got great, great grandkids and my legs still kick!

Debbie Reynolds: I’m sixty-three and I got sass up the ass!

Together: Welcome to Leg Up!

Debbie Reynolds: A show for dancers!

Ann Miller: About dancers!

Debbie Reynolds: Who love to dance!

Ann Miller: That’s right. Debbie, I gotta tell you. I don’t mean to embarrass you honey but you look terrific. She doesn’t get older, she gets younger.

Debbie Reynolds: Oh stop it.

Ann Miller: It’s true!

Debbie Reynolds: Well you know what Annie, I’m gonna take that compliment and toss it right back because someone has discovered the fountain of youth and isn’t telling!

Ann Miller: Stop it.

Debbie Reynolds: Her lips are sealed. She’s not saying a word !She isn’t telling!

Ann Miller: You know honey that you look like a teenage girl and it’s true.

Debbie Reynolds: Well you’re a four year old.

Ann Miller: You’re a three year old!

Debbie Reynolds: You’re a two year old!

Ann Miller: Well you’re a one year old!

Debbie Reynolds: You’re a fetus! Don’t try to top me, you’re a fetus!

Ann Miller: Oh, for crying out loud.

Debbie Reynolds: Our first guest today is starring in a controversial new film.

Ann Miller: That’s right, very controversial.

Debbie Reynolds: Ladies and gentlemen, the star of Showgirls….Annie where have I heard showgirls?

Ann Miller: Maybe right here!

Debbie Reynolds: Please welcome Miss Elizabeth Berkeley…..

Ann Miller: Terrific.

(Elizabeth Berkeley walks in wearing a very skimpy outfit)

Debbie Reynolds: Whooo!

Ann Miller: Well.

Debbie: Whoo!

Elizabeth Berkeley: So great to be here.

Ann Miller: Look at how young she is! Elizabeth you are a beauty.

Elizabeth Berkeley: Thank you.

Debbie Reynolds: She’s so stunning I’d like to shoot her in the back of the head!

Ann Miller: Ooooh, ouch!

Debbie Reynolds: Quick Annie get your gun….wait a second that’s a show neither one of us were in, what’s that about?

Ann Miller: I should have been in it. I should have been in it.

Debbie Reynolds: I didn’t get a call! I didn’t get a call!

Ann Miller: So Elizabeth, Elizabeth exactly how young are ya?

Elizabeth Berkeley: 21.

Ann & Debbie: Whoooooo!

Ann Miller: Well enjoy it now girl because in five years a hard rain is gonna fall.

Debbie Reynolds: KA-PLUNK!

Ann Miller: That’s right.

Debbie Reynolds: Anyway Lizzie, quick fading beauty aside, tell us how ya got your first big break.

Elizabeth Berkeley: Well, that would have to be Saved By the Bell.

Ann Miller: I remember Saved By the Bell.

Debbie Reynolds: Starlight Dinner Theater, 1956.

(Ann and Debbie break into a song)

“Saved by the bell
In the nick of time
Saved by the bell
We’ll be doing fine!”

Ann Miller: Remember that?

Debbie Reynolds: Yeah, I remember that Annie.

Elizabeth Berkeley: Actually Saved By the Bell was a popular television show. You know with Zack and Screech?

Ann Miller: Honey whoever your leading man is do not sleep with him.

Debbie Reynolds: Don’t do it!

Elizabeth Berkeley: Why do you say that?

Debbie Reynolds: Two words for you…Eddie Fisher

Ann Miller: I got two more words…Liz Taylor.

Debbie Reynolds: I got three more words…fat, divorced pig! I’m kidding! I’m kidding! I love Liz! I’m kidding!

Elizabeth Berkeley: What are you saying? Did you ever sleep with one of your leading men?

Debbie Reynolds: One of ‘em? Try both of ‘em. Singing In the Rain, 1952. Honey I was the lunch meat in the Gene Kelly, Donald O’Conner sandwhich.

Ann Miller: (Laughing) It’s true, it’s true.

Debbie Reynolds: I’m telling ya. No, really. And they call my daughter Princess Lay-a.

Ann Miller: She’s bad. Honey, I got stories too. Sugar Babies, Micky Rooney, and me. I rode that Rooney from Kalamazoo to Kansas not to mention all the other sugar babies on that tour bus!

Debbie & Ann: (Kicking up their legs) That’s a sore subject!

Debbie Reynolds: Now Lizzie, Lizzie tell me what kind of dancing were you doing in Showgirls? Were you a hoofer or a tapper?

Elizabeth Berkeley: I don’t know but I can get up and show you.

Debbie Reynolds: A show! A show!

Ann Miller: The girl’s got sass! Take it away Lizzie!

(Elizabeth does a provocative dance on a pole. Ann and Debbie look confused)

Elizabeth Berkeley: What do ya think?

Debbie Reynolds: Well I’d like to see the rest of that dance but I’ve run out of quarters.

Elizabeth Berkeley: Look I don’t mean to be disrespectful but I worked extremely hard to get that role!

Debbie Reynolds: I know what you mean honey. I did the same number in Louie B. Mayor’s office to get “Hit the Deck” in 1955. Remember that? Did I get it Annie?

Ann Miller: She got it, she got it.

Debbie Reynolds: I got it! I got it good!

Elizabeth Berkeley: I’m not a whore! I’m a dancer!

Debbie Reynolds: Whore who’s a dancer, dancer who’s a whore….

Elizabeth Berkeley: (Running off stage) I’m a dancer!

Ann Miller: Oh Debbie, you’re bad.

Debbie Reynolds: To the bone.

Ann Miller: Oh Debbie, you know what that music means?

Debbie Reynolds: It means it’s time to say good night Annie

Ann Miller: That’s right

(Debbie and Ann get up and sing)

Ann Miller: I sure wish the show wasn’t over Debbie

Debbie Reynolds: But Mr. Producer Man says that it’s time to go

“We had so much fun with
But it’s time to end the show!
Leg up!”

Ann Miller: I’m a mediocre dancer and I made it big

Debbie Reynolds: I’m America’s sweetheart and I’m wearing a wig

Together: Leg up! Leg up!

Submitted by: Jenni C.

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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