SNL Transcripts: Mariel Hemingway: 09/30/95: Leg Up!

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 21: Episode 1

95a: Mariel Hemingway / Blues Traveler

Leg Up!

Ann Miller…..Molly Shannon
Debbie Reynolds…..Cheri Oteri
Elizabeth Berkeley…..Mariel Hemingway

Announcer: Welcome to Leg Up! With your hosts, Hollywood dance legend Ann Miller and America’s sweetheart Debbie Reynolds!

Ann Miller: I’ve got great, great grandkids and my legs still kick!

Debbie Reynolds: I’m sixty-three and I got sass up the ass!

Together: Welcome to Leg Up!

Debbie Reynolds: A show for dancers!

Ann Miller: About dancers!

Debbie Reynolds: Who love to dance!

Ann Miller: That’s right. Debbie, I gotta tell you. I don’t mean to embarrass you honey but you look terrific. She doesn’t get older, she gets younger.

Debbie Reynolds: Oh stop it.

Ann Miller: It’s true!

Debbie Reynolds: Well you know what Annie, I’m gonna take that compliment and toss it right back because someone has discovered the fountain of youth and isn’t telling!

Ann Miller: Stop it.

Debbie Reynolds: Her lips are sealed. She’s not saying a word !She isn’t telling!

Ann Miller: You know honey that you look like a teenage girl and it’s true.

Debbie Reynolds: Well you’re a four year old.

Ann Miller: You’re a three year old!

Debbie Reynolds: You’re a two year old!

Ann Miller: Well you’re a one year old!

Debbie Reynolds: You’re a fetus! Don’t try to top me, you’re a fetus!

Ann Miller: Oh, for crying out loud.

Debbie Reynolds: Our first guest today is starring in a controversial new film.

Ann Miller: That’s right, very controversial.

Debbie Reynolds: Ladies and gentlemen, the star of Showgirls….Annie where have I heard showgirls?

Ann Miller: Maybe right here!

Debbie Reynolds: Please welcome Miss Elizabeth Berkeley…..

Ann Miller: Terrific.

(Elizabeth Berkeley walks in wearing a very skimpy outfit)

Debbie Reynolds: Whooo!

Ann Miller: Well.

Debbie: Whoo!

Elizabeth Berkeley: So great to be here.

Ann Miller: Look at how young she is! Elizabeth you are a beauty.

Elizabeth Berkeley: Thank you.

Debbie Reynolds: She’s so stunning I’d like to shoot her in the back of the head!

Ann Miller: Ooooh, ouch!

Debbie Reynolds: Quick Annie get your gun….wait a second that’s a show neither one of us were in, what’s that about?

Ann Miller: I should have been in it. I should have been in it.

Debbie Reynolds: I didn’t get a call! I didn’t get a call!

Ann Miller: So Elizabeth, Elizabeth exactly how young are ya?

Elizabeth Berkeley: 21.

Ann & Debbie: Whoooooo!

Ann Miller: Well enjoy it now girl because in five years a hard rain is gonna fall.

Debbie Reynolds: KA-PLUNK!

Ann Miller: That’s right.

Debbie Reynolds: Anyway Lizzie, quick fading beauty aside, tell us how ya got your first big break.

Elizabeth Berkeley: Well, that would have to be Saved By the Bell.

Ann Miller: I remember Saved By the Bell.

Debbie Reynolds: Starlight Dinner Theater, 1956.

(Ann and Debbie break into a song)

“Saved by the bell
In the nick of time
Saved by the bell
We’ll be doing fine!”

Ann Miller: Remember that?

Debbie Reynolds: Yeah, I remember that Annie.

Elizabeth Berkeley: Actually Saved By the Bell was a popular television show. You know with Zack and Screech?

Ann Miller: Honey whoever your leading man is do not sleep with him.

Debbie Reynolds: Don’t do it!

Elizabeth Berkeley: Why do you say that?

Debbie Reynolds: Two words for you…Eddie Fisher

Ann Miller: I got two more words…Liz Taylor.

Debbie Reynolds: I got three more words…fat, divorced pig! I’m kidding! I’m kidding! I love Liz! I’m kidding!

Elizabeth Berkeley: What are you saying? Did you ever sleep with one of your leading men?

Debbie Reynolds: One of ‘em? Try both of ‘em. Singing In the Rain, 1952. Honey I was the lunch meat in the Gene Kelly, Donald O’Conner sandwhich.

Ann Miller: (Laughing) It’s true, it’s true.

Debbie Reynolds: I’m telling ya. No, really. And they call my daughter Princess Lay-a.

Ann Miller: She’s bad. Honey, I got stories too. Sugar Babies, Micky Rooney, and me. I rode that Rooney from Kalamazoo to Kansas not to mention all the other sugar babies on that tour bus!

Debbie & Ann: (Kicking up their legs) That’s a sore subject!

Debbie Reynolds: Now Lizzie, Lizzie tell me what kind of dancing were you doing in Showgirls? Were you a hoofer or a tapper?

Elizabeth Berkeley: I don’t know but I can get up and show you.

Debbie Reynolds: A show! A show!

Ann Miller: The girl’s got sass! Take it away Lizzie!

(Elizabeth does a provocative dance on a pole. Ann and Debbie look confused)

Elizabeth Berkeley: What do ya think?

Debbie Reynolds: Well I’d like to see the rest of that dance but I’ve run out of quarters.

Elizabeth Berkeley: Look I don’t mean to be disrespectful but I worked extremely hard to get that role!

Debbie Reynolds: I know what you mean honey. I did the same number in Louie B. Mayor’s office to get “Hit the Deck” in 1955. Remember that? Did I get it Annie?

Ann Miller: She got it, she got it.

Debbie Reynolds: I got it! I got it good!

Elizabeth Berkeley: I’m not a whore! I’m a dancer!

Debbie Reynolds: Whore who’s a dancer, dancer who’s a whore….

Elizabeth Berkeley: (Running off stage) I’m a dancer!

Ann Miller: Oh Debbie, you’re bad.

Debbie Reynolds: To the bone.

Ann Miller: Oh Debbie, you know what that music means?

Debbie Reynolds: It means it’s time to say good night Annie

Ann Miller: That’s right

(Debbie and Ann get up and sing)

Ann Miller: I sure wish the show wasn’t over Debbie

Debbie Reynolds: But Mr. Producer Man says that it’s time to go

“We had so much fun with
But it’s time to end the show!
Leg up!”

Ann Miller: I’m a mediocre dancer and I made it big

Debbie Reynolds: I’m America’s sweetheart and I’m wearing a wig

Together: Leg up! Leg up!

Submitted by: Jenni C.

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