SNL Transcripts: Mariel Hemingway: 09/30/95: Mariel Hemingway’s Monologue


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 21: Episode 1

95a: Mariel Hemingway / Blues Traveler

Mariel Hemingway’s Monologue

…..Mariel Hemingway
…..David Koechner
…..Will Ferrell
…..Cheri Oteri
…..Mark McKinney
…..Jim Breuer
…..Darrell Hammond
…..Molly Shannon
…..Tim Meadows
…..Nancy Walls
…..Norm MacDonald

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Mariel Hemingway!

Mariel Hemingway: Thank you! Welcome to a brand new season of “Saturday Night Live”! There’s been a lot of changes over the summer, a lot of fresh faces for you to meet.. we’ve got a new director, new writers, a new set and a brand new cast, which I think is great! You know, I should be nervous, but my one appearance on one episode of “Roseanne” gives me more TV experience than most of the people I’m working with tonight, so hey! I’m feeling great! I’m so excited for you to meet them, so hey, let’s do it.

[ walks off the stage, past the audience to the back hallway ]

I want you to meet them as themselves, because they’re going to be playing a lot of different characters, and I know what it’s like for people to stop you on the street and treat you like the characters you play. Oh, there’s Dave Koechner and Will Ferrell. Hi, guys!

David Koechner: Hi, there!

Will Ferrell: How you doing?

Mariel Hemingway: I’m doing great! Have a great show!

David & Will: Thanks!

[ Mariel stops by the cast lockers, where Cheri Oteri and Mark McKinney stand ]

Mariel Hemingway: Cheri! Cheri Oteri. She is so funny. And look how cute she is. I just love her! [ reaches in and kisses Cheri on the lips ] Hey, have a great show! [ points behind Cheri ] There’s Mark McKinney!

[ Mariel turns down the next hallway ]

Mariel Hemingway: Come this way, this is great.. [ stops in front of Jim Breuer] Jim Breuer! He is such a great guy, so funny!

[ Mariel walks up to Darrell Hammond ]

Mariel Hemingway: Here’s Darrell Hammond, he does a great Leno! How you doing?

Darrell Hammond: Hi!

Mariel Hemingway: [ spots Molly Shannon ] Molly! Molly Shannon! Aw, what a doll you are! [ bends over and kisses Molly on the lips ] Hey, have a great show.

Molly Shannon: Thanks.

[ Mariel turns another corner, past Tim Meadows ]

Mariel Hemingway: So, come this way! Hi, Tim!

[ Mariel breezes past him ]

Mariel Hemingway: This is the Control Room! [ she enters ] This is a great place, this is where it all happens, guys. And this is Beth McCarthy, our new director. Can we talk about how cool she is? Oh, she’s great! She’s been helping me out all week.. she’s wonderful, I just love her! [ bends down to kiss Beth on the lips ] Hey, have a great show..

[ Mariel leaves the control room ]

Mariel Hemingway: Come this way, come on, keep going, we’re all excited here. This is great, it’s kind of like a maze around here..

[ Mariel reaches the Quick-Change Booth ]

Mariel Hemingway: Oh! This is where we do quick-changes.

[ Nancy Walls pokes her head out of the booth ]

Mariel Hemingway: Nancy Walls! Hey, shy girl! Oh, I just love her! [ kisses Nancy on the lips ] See you in a bit!

[ Mariel continues down the hall ]

Mariel Hemingway: Come this way.. [ walks past the back of Lorne Michaels ] Hey, Lorne – oh, Lorne, don’t forget to introduce me to your wife at the party tonight!

[ a pair of female NBC pages duck for cover as Mariel walks by ]

Mariel Hemingway: Come along.. this is Norm! [ acknowledges Norm MacDonald having his costume altered, then pinches the Costume Designer’s ass ] Bye, Norm!

[ returns to Home Base ]

Well, there you have it. The new cast of “Saturday Night Live”. I don’t know about you, but I’m pretty excited! We’ve got a great show for you tonight. Blues Traveler is here, andwe’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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