SNL Transcripts: Mariel Hemingway: 09/30/95: O.J. Today

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 21: Episode 1

95a: Mariel Hemingway / Blues Traveler

O.J. Today

Bill McDonald…..Will Ferrell
Johnnie Cochran…..Tim Meadows
Robert Shapiro…..David Koechner
F. Lee Bailey…..Steve Higgins
Barry Scheck…..Jim Breuer
Judge Robert Ito…..Mark McKinney

[ open on anchorman Bill McDonald ]

Bill McDonald: The defense rebuts the rebuttal. Next, on “O.J. Today.”

[ dissolve to program’s opening montage, whose anchor photo slides change with each announcement ]

Announcer: From the KTLY News Room, this is “O.J. Today.”

With O.J. Anchorpersons Bill McDonald and Casey Nagamora.

O.J. Correspondent Paul Dabney Cruz.

Fritz Connelly, with O.J. Weather.

Scott McPherrin, with O.J. Sports.

Bob Brown in the O.J. ‘Copter, with O.J. Traffic.

Britt Alexander, with O.J. Citizen of the Week.

O.J. Cooking Tips, from Mr. O.J. Food.

And Arnold Guzman, with O.J. “Shame On You.”

“O.J. Today.”

[ dissolve to a frozen package of Sara Lee Strawberry French Cheesecake ]

Brought to you by Sara Lee. Everyone love Sara Lee – regardless of how they feel about O.J.

[ dissolve back to Bill McDonald, checking his notes at the news desk ]

Now.. here’s O.J. anchorperson, Bill McDonald.

Bill McDonald: Good afternoon. It’s been a busy day in court. The trial which ended yesterday, with prosecution’s rebuttal to the defense’s closing argument, continues today after a surprise ruling, in which the defense has asked for, and been granted, a rebuttal to the rebuttal. Let’s go right to the courtroom and the rebuttal rebuttal.

[ dissolve to the courtroom, Johnnie Cochran taking the floor, prominently showing off hoop earrings and a necktie painted in African tribal colors ]

Johnnie Cochran: Now, the prosecution. Ms. Clark! They’re insulting you! They’re insulting the intelligence and credibility of this jury when they imply that we are, in some way, trying to manipulate a predominantly black jury by my wearing this African tribal tie! A tie that I just happened to pull out of my closet today! Or, for that matter, these masai earrings, which I picked up in Tanzania in 1982, during one of my pilgrimages to the brethren land! Now, that’s an insult! That’s an outrage! That’s an insult to this jury, and I am personally offended! Not only on my behalf, but also on behalf of my esteemed colleagues: Mr. Shapiro —

[ cut to Robert Shapiro, seated at the defense table wearing a mockish tribal uniform ]

— Mr. Bailey —

[ pan over to F. Lee Bailey, topless except for an African tribal collar and dangling earrings ]

— and Mr. Scheck.

[ pan over to Barry Scheck, with spotted face and hoop earring in his nose ]

Mr. Scheck, who happens to be going through a Bakwena rite of passage. In three days, he’ll be a man! And he has to be subjected to these lies! Now, that’s an outrage! But we know you are smarter than that, You’re a whole lot smarter!

Now, you know that O.J. Simpson wouldn’t try to disguise himself with a hat! For example, this hat right here. [ places an African tribal headpiece on his head ] Handpainted in the Bantu tribal pattern by Calanga! A herdsman I met while tracking wildebeest in the Savannah! Hey, Calanga, brother, if you’re watching: [ speaks Swahili and clicks his tongue five times ] Which means: “If it doesn’t fit, you must acquit.”

[ cut to a brief shot of Judge Lance Ito shaking his head in disbelief ]

Johnnie Cochran: You see, the prosecution, they’re desperate! Yeah, they’re grabbing at anything! They keep telling everyone – Ms. Clark, the press – that the defense has been playing the “race” card! The “race” card! But what you don’t hear – and I can’t believe the press hasn’t mentioned this – that, all the while, the prosecution has been playing the “evidence” card. Yeah! Oh, yeah! Day in, day out! “Your Honor, we have this ‘evidence’ that we’d like to present!” “We have a witness who will clearly explain this ‘evidence’!” Yuo follow the pattern? Evidence here, evidence there, evidence eveywhere! But that’s not what this case is about!

[ Robert Shapiro and F. Lee Bailey shake their heads in agreement ]

Johnnie Cochran: No! Mmm-mmm! No! This case is not about a man who murdered his wife and an innocent bystander! This case is about a racist cop by the name of Mark Fuhrman! Yes! It’s about a racist cop, a throw pillow, and a gray rabbit! Yes! Uh-huh! I see some curious faces! See, you don’t know about the pillow, or the rabbit, or the mysterious one-armed man! Mmm-mmm! You know why you don’t know? Because they don’t want you to! They don’t want you to know: [ speaks again in Swahili and clicks his tongue five times ]

Judge Lance Ito: Mr. Cochran, please refrain from the use of hyperbole.

Johnnie Cochran: Very well, your Honor. Now, in the next twnety minutes, you will learn – and I’m only gonna take twnety minutes, I’m not gonna drag you through the muck for two days like Ms. Clark – that’s an outrage! Now, in the next twnety minutes, you are gonna learn all about the throw pillow, and the rabbit named Cornelius – and I think you’ll be very interested by what Cornelius has to say —

Mr. Cochran! I’m going to ask you to conclude your argument immediately, and say “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night.”

Johnnie Cochran: Judge, I am merely trying to illuminate to the jury as to the rabbit’s whereabouts!

Judge Lance Ito: Mr. Cochran, I will hold you in contempt! I am ordering you to conclude and say “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night.”

Johnnie Cochran: Judge, this is an outrage!

Judge Lance Ito: [ getting serious ] I will turn off the camera.

Johnnie Cochran: [ momentarily speechless ] Uh.. may I confer with counsel?

[ Shapiro, Bailey and Scheck gather around Johnnie Cochran, as they whisper inaudibly to one another, until Cochran finally re-addresses the courtroom ]

Johnnie Cochran: I’ll have to ask everyone to try to remain calm, but, “Live, from New York, it is Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *