Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 21: Episode 1
95a: Mariel Hemingway / Blues Traveler
The Telephone
Wife…..Mariel Hemingway
Paul…..Will Ferrell
Psychiatrist…..Mark McKinney
FADE IN:
[ INT. KITCHEN DAY ]
[ A young WIFE stands at the counter on the phone. ]
Wife: Really? What did you say? No kidding.
[ Her husband, PAUL, comes in. She mimics an ever chattering mouth with her hand. ]
Paul: Do you need help getting off the phone?
[ She gives Paul thumbs up. ]
Paul: YOU ON THE PHONE AGAIN, BITCH! YOU BETTER HANG THAT UP BEFORE I BASH YOUR HEAD IN!!
[ She hangs up the phone. ]
Wife: Oh my God! Paul, what are you doing?
Paul: Did you not want me to get you off the phone?
Wife: Yes I did. But why would you say a thing like that? I better call her back. I cant imagine what shed be thinking!
[ Paul exits. ]
[ EXT. HOUSE DAY ]
[ SUPER: ONE HOUR LATER ]
[ INT. KITCHEN DAY ]
[ The wife stands over the counter while on the phone bored. Paul rummages through the refrigerator. ]
Wife: Then what happened? Oh, you dont say? Yeah.
[ She taps on Pauls back. She mouths help. ]
Paul: I AM SKELETOR, SPAWN OF THE HELL BEAST! HANG UP THAT PHONE AND PAY HOMAGE TO MY AWFUL POWER!!
[ She hangs up the phone hard. Her jaws wide open. ]
Paul: Did I mess up again, honey?
[ EXT. HOUSE DAY ]
[ SUPER: THE NEXT DAY ]
[ INT. KITCHEN DAY ]
[ The wife is slumped over the counter while on the phone bored. ]
Wife: Yeah, youre right. Ah, its so rude. Uh-huh.
[ Paul creeps in. ]
Paul: Do you need help getting off the phone?
[ She shakes her head and mouths no. ]
Paul: You sure?
[ She shakes her head and mouths no. ]
Paul: Please!? Please!?!?
[ She sighs and then slightly nods her head and straightens her posture. ]
Paul: HONEY, THE POLICE ARE HERE! QUICK! HIDE THIS BALLOON OF HEROIN UP YOUR RECTUM!!
[ She hangs up the phone hard. Her jaws wide open. ]
[ EXT. PSYCHIATRIC HOSPITAL DAY ]
[ INT. WAITING ROOM DAY ]
[ A PSYCHIATRIST rushes in. Pauls wife gets up. ]
Psychiatrist: Oh, hi! Uh, look, good news is, weve done all the tests, and uh, your husbands not retarded.
[ She sighs. ]
Psychiatrist: Hes just having a hard time coming up for excuses to get you off the phone. But still, wed like to keep him here for a couple of months. Just to be on the safe side!
Wife: Whatever you think is best, Doctor.
Psychiatrist: Okay.
Wife: Okay.
[ EXT. HOUSE DAY ]
[ SUPER: TWO MONTHS LATER ]
[ INT. KITCHEN DAY ]
[ The wife stands at the counter on the phone. ]
Wife: Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
[ Paul comes in. ]
Paul: Honey, I need to use the phone.
Wife: Okay honey. [to phone ] Carol, Paul needs to use the phone. It was good talking to you, too. Goodbye.
[ She hangs up the phone.]
Wife: Paul! That was absolutely perfect! Terrific!!
Paul: Thank you! You know what else is terrific?
Wife: What?
Paul: I killed the dog.
[ Paul holds up the corpse of a lifeless brown Labrador. His wife screams. ]
END
Submitted by: Cody Downs
