SNL Transcripts: Mariel Hemingway: 09/30/95: The Telephone

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 1


95a: Mariel Hemingway / Blues Traveler

The Telephone

Wife…..Mariel Hemingway
Paul…..Will Ferrell
Psychiatrist…..Mark McKinney

FADE IN:

[ INT. KITCHEN – DAY ] [ A young WIFE stands at the counter on the phone. ]

Wife: Really? What did you say? No kidding.

[ Her husband, PAUL, comes in. She mimics an ever chattering mouth with her hand. ]

Paul: Do you need help getting off the phone?

[ She gives Paul thumbs up. ]

Paul: YOU ON THE PHONE AGAIN, BITCH! YOU BETTER HANG THAT UP BEFORE I BASH YOUR HEAD IN!!

[ She hangs up the phone. ]

Wife: Oh my God! Paul, what are you doing?

Paul: Did you not want me to get you off the phone?

Wife: Yes I did. But why would you say a thing like that? I better call her back. I can’t imagine what she’d be thinking!

[ Paul exits. ] [ EXT. HOUSE – DAY ] [ SUPER: ONE HOUR LATER ] [ INT. KITCHEN – DAY ] [ The wife stands over the counter while on the phone bored. Paul rummages through the refrigerator. ]

Wife: Then what happened? Oh, you don’t say? Yeah.

[ She taps on Paul’s back. She mouths “help”. ]

Paul: I AM SKELETOR, SPAWN OF THE HELL BEAST! HANG UP THAT PHONE AND PAY HOMAGE TO MY AWFUL POWER!!

[ She hangs up the phone hard. Her jaw’s wide open. ]

Paul: Did I mess up again, honey?

[ EXT. HOUSE – DAY ] [ SUPER: THE NEXT DAY ] [ INT. KITCHEN – DAY ] [ The wife is slumped over the counter while on the phone bored. ]

Wife: Yeah, you’re right. Ah, it’s so rude. Uh-huh.

[ Paul creeps in. ]

Paul: Do you need help getting off the phone?

[ She shakes her head and mouths “no.” ]

Paul: You sure?

[ She shakes her head and mouths “no.” ]

Paul: Please!? Please!?!?

[ She sighs and then slightly nods her head and straightens her posture. ]

Paul: HONEY, THE POLICE ARE HERE! QUICK! HIDE THIS BALLOON OF HEROIN UP YOUR RECTUM!!

[ She hangs up the phone hard. Her jaw’s wide open. ] [ EXT. PSYCHIATRIC HOSPITAL – DAY ] [ INT. WAITING ROOM – DAY ] [ A PSYCHIATRIST rushes in. Paul’s wife gets up. ]

Psychiatrist: Oh, hi! Uh, look, good news is, we’ve done all the tests, and uh, your husband’s not retarded.

[ She sighs. ]

Psychiatrist: He’s just having a hard time coming up for excuses to get you off the phone. But still, we’d like to keep him here for a couple of months. Just to be on the safe side!

Wife: Whatever you think is best, Doctor.

Psychiatrist: Okay.

Wife: Okay.

[ EXT. HOUSE – DAY ] [ SUPER: TWO MONTHS LATER ] [ INT. KITCHEN – DAY ] [ The wife stands at the counter on the phone. ]

Wife: Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

[ Paul comes in. ]

Paul: Honey, I need to use the phone.

Wife: Okay honey. [to phone ] Carol, Paul needs to use the phone. It was good talking to you, too. Goodbye.

[ She hangs up the phone.]

Wife: Paul! That was absolutely perfect! Terrific!!

Paul: Thank you! You know what else is terrific?

Wife: What?

Paul: I killed the dog.

[ Paul holds up the corpse of a lifeless brown Labrador. His wife screams. ]

END

Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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