Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 21: Episode 1
FADE IN:[ INT. KITCHEN DAY ] [ A young WIFE stands at the counter on the phone. ]
Wife: Really? What did you say? No kidding.[ Her husband, PAUL, comes in. She mimics an ever chattering mouth with her hand. ]
Paul: Do you need help getting off the phone?[ She gives Paul thumbs up. ]
Paul: YOU ON THE PHONE AGAIN, BITCH! YOU BETTER HANG THAT UP BEFORE I BASH YOUR HEAD IN!!
Wife: Oh my God! Paul, what are you doing?
Paul: Did you not want me to get you off the phone?
Wife: Yes I did. But why would you say a thing like that? I better call her back. I cant imagine what shed be thinking![ Paul exits. ] [ EXT. HOUSE DAY ] [ SUPER: ONE HOUR LATER ] [ INT. KITCHEN DAY ] [ The wife stands over the counter while on the phone bored. Paul rummages through the refrigerator. ]
Wife: Then what happened? Oh, you dont say? Yeah.[ She taps on Pauls back. She mouths help. ]
Paul: I AM SKELETOR, SPAWN OF THE HELL BEAST! HANG UP THAT PHONE AND PAY HOMAGE TO MY AWFUL POWER!![ She hangs up the phone hard. Her jaws wide open. ]
Paul: Did I mess up again, honey?[ EXT. HOUSE DAY ] [ SUPER: THE NEXT DAY ] [ INT. KITCHEN DAY ] [ The wife is slumped over the counter while on the phone bored. ]
Wife: Yeah, youre right. Ah, its so rude. Uh-huh.[ Paul creeps in. ]
Paul: Do you need help getting off the phone?[ She shakes her head and mouths no. ]
Paul: You sure?[ She shakes her head and mouths no. ]
Paul: Please!? Please!?!?[ She sighs and then slightly nods her head and straightens her posture. ]
Paul: HONEY, THE POLICE ARE HERE! QUICK! HIDE THIS BALLOON OF HEROIN UP YOUR RECTUM!![ She hangs up the phone hard. Her jaws wide open. ] [ EXT. PSYCHIATRIC HOSPITAL DAY ] [ INT. WAITING ROOM DAY ] [ A PSYCHIATRIST rushes in. Pauls wife gets up. ]
Psychiatrist: Oh, hi! Uh, look, good news is, weve done all the tests, and uh, your husbands not retarded.[ She sighs. ]
Psychiatrist: Hes just having a hard time coming up for excuses to get you off the phone. But still, wed like to keep him here for a couple of months. Just to be on the safe side!
Wife: Whatever you think is best, Doctor.
Wife: Okay.[ EXT. HOUSE DAY ] [ SUPER: TWO MONTHS LATER ] [ INT. KITCHEN DAY ] [ The wife stands at the counter on the phone. ]
Wife: Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.[ Paul comes in. ]
Paul: Honey, I need to use the phone.
Wife: Okay honey. [to phone ] Carol, Paul needs to use the phone. It was good talking to you, too. Goodbye.[ She hangs up the phone.]
Wife: Paul! That was absolutely perfect! Terrific!!
Paul: Thank you! You know what else is terrific?
Paul: I killed the dog.[ Paul holds up the corpse of a lifeless brown Labrador. His wife screams. ]
Submitted by: Cody Downs