SNL Transcripts: Mariel Hemingway: 09/30/95: The Telephone

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 1

95a: Mariel Hemingway / Blues Traveler

The Telephone

Wife…..Mariel Hemingway
Paul…..Will Ferrell
Psychiatrist…..Mark McKinney

FADE IN:

[ INT. KITCHEN – DAY ] [ A young WIFE stands at the counter on the phone. ]

Wife: Really? What did you say? No kidding.

[ Her husband, PAUL, comes in. She mimics an ever chattering mouth with her hand. ]

Paul: Do you need help getting off the phone?

[ She gives Paul thumbs up. ]

Paul: YOU ON THE PHONE AGAIN, BITCH! YOU BETTER HANG THAT UP BEFORE I BASH YOUR HEAD IN!!

[ She hangs up the phone. ]

Wife: Oh my God! Paul, what are you doing?

Paul: Did you not want me to get you off the phone?

Wife: Yes I did. But why would you say a thing like that? I better call her back. I can’t imagine what she’d be thinking!

[ Paul exits. ] [ EXT. HOUSE – DAY ] [ SUPER: ONE HOUR LATER ] [ INT. KITCHEN – DAY ] [ The wife stands over the counter while on the phone bored. Paul rummages through the refrigerator. ]

Wife: Then what happened? Oh, you don’t say? Yeah.

[ She taps on Paul’s back. She mouths “help”. ]

Paul: I AM SKELETOR, SPAWN OF THE HELL BEAST! HANG UP THAT PHONE AND PAY HOMAGE TO MY AWFUL POWER!!

[ She hangs up the phone hard. Her jaw’s wide open. ]

Paul: Did I mess up again, honey?

[ EXT. HOUSE – DAY ] [ SUPER: THE NEXT DAY ] [ INT. KITCHEN – DAY ] [ The wife is slumped over the counter while on the phone bored. ]

Wife: Yeah, you’re right. Ah, it’s so rude. Uh-huh.

[ Paul creeps in. ]

Paul: Do you need help getting off the phone?

[ She shakes her head and mouths “no.” ]

Paul: You sure?

[ She shakes her head and mouths “no.” ]

Paul: Please!? Please!?!?

[ She sighs and then slightly nods her head and straightens her posture. ]

Paul: HONEY, THE POLICE ARE HERE! QUICK! HIDE THIS BALLOON OF HEROIN UP YOUR RECTUM!!

[ She hangs up the phone hard. Her jaw’s wide open. ] [ EXT. PSYCHIATRIC HOSPITAL – DAY ] [ INT. WAITING ROOM – DAY ] [ A PSYCHIATRIST rushes in. Paul’s wife gets up. ]

Psychiatrist: Oh, hi! Uh, look, good news is, we’ve done all the tests, and uh, your husband’s not retarded.

[ She sighs. ]

Psychiatrist: He’s just having a hard time coming up for excuses to get you off the phone. But still, we’d like to keep him here for a couple of months. Just to be on the safe side!

Wife: Whatever you think is best, Doctor.

Psychiatrist: Okay.

Wife: Okay.

[ EXT. HOUSE – DAY ] [ SUPER: TWO MONTHS LATER ] [ INT. KITCHEN – DAY ] [ The wife stands at the counter on the phone. ]

Wife: Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

[ Paul comes in. ]

Paul: Honey, I need to use the phone.

Wife: Okay honey. [to phone ] Carol, Paul needs to use the phone. It was good talking to you, too. Goodbye.

[ She hangs up the phone.]

Wife: Paul! That was absolutely perfect! Terrific!!

Paul: Thank you! You know what else is terrific?

Wife: What?

Paul: I killed the dog.

[ Paul holds up the corpse of a lifeless brown Labrador. His wife screams. ]

END

Submitted by: Cody Downs

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