SNL Transcripts: Mariel Hemingway: 09/30/95: “Get Off the Shed!”

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 21: Episode 1

95a: Mariel Hemingway / Blues Traveler

“Get Off the Shed!”

Frank Henderson…..Will Ferrell
Tom Taylor…..David Koechner
Susan Taylor…..Nancy Walls
Shirley Henderson…..Mariel Hemingway

[ open on exterior, suburban home ] [ dissolve to back yard, Frank Henderson working the grill as Tom and Susan Taylor approach him ]

Frank Henderson: Hey, there! How you doing?

Tom Taylor: Hi, you must be Frank Henderson!

Frank Henderson: I sure am! I don’t know that we’ve met before?

Tom Taylor: I’m Tom Taylor. I’m Tom’s brother. This is my wife, Susan.

Frank Henderson: Oh, that’s right, the Taylors! I guess someone forgot to take their Stupid Pills this morning! [ they all laugh politely ] Hey, honey, the Taylors are here, we can start the party!

Susan Taylor: Oh, that’s sweet. Hey, is John here yet?

Frank Henderson: Well, speak of the Devil – your brother just called, and he and Sally are stuck in traffic. So, he’ll be about a half-hour late. [ looking offscreen ] Hey, Brandon? Michael? I need you guys to do me a favor and get off the shed. Need you to be a buddy and get off the shed. Okay? Thanks. [ back to his guests ] I hope you two are hungry, we’ve got a ton of food here.

Tom Taylor: I am absolutely famished. We just finished 28th and Pebblebrook, and I tell you, I could eat a cow! Mmm mmm!

Shirley Henderson: [ joining the party ] Would you like some potato salad with that cow of yours? [ everyone laughs ] Hi, I’m Shirley.

Tom Taylor: Hi, I’m Tom Taylor. This is my wife, Susan.

Susan Taylor: Thank you so much for having us over!

Frank Henderson: Well, we’ve heard so much about you two.. [ looking offscreen ] Hey, guys? I mean it. Let’s get off the shed.

Shirley Henderson: Can I get you a glass of Chardonney?

Tom Taylor: Oh.. yeah!

Susan Taylor: That would be lovely!

Shirley Henderson: Okay, you just make yourselves comfortable, and I’ll be right back. [ exits the patio ]

Frank Henderson: You know, you and Susan should really join us for a round of golf sometime.

Tom Taylor: You know what? We’re just nuts about the game, we’d love to. But I gotta warn you – Susan’s a scratch golfer.

Susan Taylor: [ laughing ] Well, you know, I’ve been playing forever. Actually, this is a cute story – we met on a golf course in Scotland..

Frank Henderson: [ yelling offscreen ] Get off the shed! [ back to his guests ] How about next Sunday? Pebblebrook? Twelve o’clock tee-off time, what do you say?

Tom Taylor: [ slightly stunned ] Sounds good.

Susan Taylor: Yeah.. uh.. maybe we can get John and Sally out to the game.

Frank Henderson: Oh, boy, I don’t know about John. I mean, he’s a great guy and everything.. but as far as golf goes, let’s just say he’s spent a little too much money on those clubs of his. [ turning offscreen ] Get off the damn shed! [ returning to his guests ] I just bought a new McGregor 3 Wood, and I’ll tell you, that thing is smooth! Drives just like a Cadillac.

Shirley Henderson: [ rejoining the party ] Believe me, I’d rather drive the Cadillac! [ everyone laughs ]

Tom Taylor: Uh.. great landscaping job, did you do that yourself?

Frank Henderson: You bet. [ turning offscreen again ] Hey! There’s gonna be a meeting between your ass and the palm of my hand, if you don’t get off the shed! Now, GET OFF THE SHED!! [ turning to his guests ] What do you think of the fountain? Do you like that?

[ the Taylors are aghast at Frank’s behavior toward his children ]

Susan Taylor: Oh.. it’s a great fountain..

Tom Taylor: Yeah, it’s a dandy..

Susan Taylor: Love it..

Tom Taylor: Whoo.. what time did you say that John was gonna drop by..?

Shirley Henderson: Oh gosh, I forgot to tell you – that he called and said that he can’t come, and to just go ahead and eat, but he’ll be here for dessert and coffee.

Frank Henderson: Why didn’t he just say he doesn’t like my burgers? [ faces offscreen again ] I will punch you in the face if you don’t get off the shed! Now, get off the shed! GET OFF THE SHED!! GET OFF THE DAMN SHED!!

Shirley Henderson: Hey, honey, those look about done..

Frank Henderson: They sure do.. Chow-time just moments away!

Susan Taylor: [ struggling to leave the scene ] You know what? I.. I am not feeling well.. uh.. we might need to take a raincheck..

Shirley Henderson: Oh, you just need your drinks freshened. [ grabs their glasses ] I’ll be right back. [ exits the patio ]

Frank Henderson: Okay, the burger train just pulled into bun station. Look at these babies.. [ glances offscreen, hands his spatula to Tom ] Excuse me, can you hold onto that for a second? [ yelling offscreen ] Okay.. so you’ve been showing off for the Taylors, huh? Well, I’m gonna put on a little show of my own! I’m gonna give you the beating of a lifetime in front of these people! Are you happy now? [ stomps offstage ]

The Taylors: [ yelling fearfully ] Get off the shed! Please get off the shed! Please!

Frank Henderson: [ returning ] They got off the shed! Thank you, I appreciate that..

[ Tom and Susan sigh, relieved that the boys were not beaten by their father ]

Shirley Henderson: [ hands everyone their burgers ] Here you go..

Susan Taylor: Thank you.

Shirley Henderson: [ glances offscreen ] Hey, Brandon? Michael? I need you to do me a favor and get out of the fountain. I need you to be a buddy and get out of the fountain..

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Notify of