SNL Transcripts: Mariel Hemingway: 09/30/95: “Get Off the Shed!”



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 1


95a: Mariel Hemingway / Blues Traveler

“Get Off the Shed!”

Frank Henderson…..Will Ferrell
Tom Taylor…..David Koechner
Susan Taylor…..Nancy Walls
Shirley Henderson…..Mariel Hemingway

[ open on exterior, suburban home ] [ dissolve to back yard, Frank Henderson working the grill as Tom and Susan Taylor approach him ]

Frank Henderson: Hey, there! How you doing?

Tom Taylor: Hi, you must be Frank Henderson!

Frank Henderson: I sure am! I don’t know that we’ve met before?

Tom Taylor: I’m Tom Taylor. I’m Tom’s brother. This is my wife, Susan.

Frank Henderson: Oh, that’s right, the Taylors! I guess someone forgot to take their Stupid Pills this morning! [ they all laugh politely ] Hey, honey, the Taylors are here, we can start the party!

Susan Taylor: Oh, that’s sweet. Hey, is John here yet?

Frank Henderson: Well, speak of the Devil – your brother just called, and he and Sally are stuck in traffic. So, he’ll be about a half-hour late. [ looking offscreen ] Hey, Brandon? Michael? I need you guys to do me a favor and get off the shed. Need you to be a buddy and get off the shed. Okay? Thanks. [ back to his guests ] I hope you two are hungry, we’ve got a ton of food here.

Tom Taylor: I am absolutely famished. We just finished 28th and Pebblebrook, and I tell you, I could eat a cow! Mmm mmm!

Shirley Henderson: [ joining the party ] Would you like some potato salad with that cow of yours? [ everyone laughs ] Hi, I’m Shirley.

Tom Taylor: Hi, I’m Tom Taylor. This is my wife, Susan.

Susan Taylor: Thank you so much for having us over!

Frank Henderson: Well, we’ve heard so much about you two.. [ looking offscreen ] Hey, guys? I mean it. Let’s get off the shed.

Shirley Henderson: Can I get you a glass of Chardonney?

Tom Taylor: Oh.. yeah!

Susan Taylor: That would be lovely!

Shirley Henderson: Okay, you just make yourselves comfortable, and I’ll be right back. [ exits the patio ]

Frank Henderson: You know, you and Susan should really join us for a round of golf sometime.

Tom Taylor: You know what? We’re just nuts about the game, we’d love to. But I gotta warn you – Susan’s a scratch golfer.

Susan Taylor: [ laughing ] Well, you know, I’ve been playing forever. Actually, this is a cute story – we met on a golf course in Scotland..

Frank Henderson: [ yelling offscreen ] Get off the shed! [ back to his guests ] How about next Sunday? Pebblebrook? Twelve o’clock tee-off time, what do you say?

Tom Taylor: [ slightly stunned ] Sounds good.

Susan Taylor: Yeah.. uh.. maybe we can get John and Sally out to the game.

Frank Henderson: Oh, boy, I don’t know about John. I mean, he’s a great guy and everything.. but as far as golf goes, let’s just say he’s spent a little too much money on those clubs of his. [ turning offscreen ] Get off the damn shed! [ returning to his guests ] I just bought a new McGregor 3 Wood, and I’ll tell you, that thing is smooth! Drives just like a Cadillac.

Shirley Henderson: [ rejoining the party ] Believe me, I’d rather drive the Cadillac! [ everyone laughs ]

Tom Taylor: Uh.. great landscaping job, did you do that yourself?

Frank Henderson: You bet. [ turning offscreen again ] Hey! There’s gonna be a meeting between your ass and the palm of my hand, if you don’t get off the shed! Now, GET OFF THE SHED!! [ turning to his guests ] What do you think of the fountain? Do you like that?

[ the Taylors are aghast at Frank’s behavior toward his children ]

Susan Taylor: Oh.. it’s a great fountain..

Tom Taylor: Yeah, it’s a dandy..

Susan Taylor: Love it..

Tom Taylor: Whoo.. what time did you say that John was gonna drop by..?

Shirley Henderson: Oh gosh, I forgot to tell you – that he called and said that he can’t come, and to just go ahead and eat, but he’ll be here for dessert and coffee.

Frank Henderson: Why didn’t he just say he doesn’t like my burgers? [ faces offscreen again ] I will punch you in the face if you don’t get off the shed! Now, get off the shed! GET OFF THE SHED!! GET OFF THE DAMN SHED!!

Shirley Henderson: Hey, honey, those look about done..

Frank Henderson: They sure do.. Chow-time just moments away!

Susan Taylor: [ struggling to leave the scene ] You know what? I.. I am not feeling well.. uh.. we might need to take a raincheck..

Shirley Henderson: Oh, you just need your drinks freshened. [ grabs their glasses ] I’ll be right back. [ exits the patio ]

Frank Henderson: Okay, the burger train just pulled into bun station. Look at these babies.. [ glances offscreen, hands his spatula to Tom ] Excuse me, can you hold onto that for a second? [ yelling offscreen ] Okay.. so you’ve been showing off for the Taylors, huh? Well, I’m gonna put on a little show of my own! I’m gonna give you the beating of a lifetime in front of these people! Are you happy now? [ stomps offstage ]

The Taylors: [ yelling fearfully ] Get off the shed! Please get off the shed! Please!

Frank Henderson: [ returning ] They got off the shed! Thank you, I appreciate that..

[ Tom and Susan sigh, relieved that the boys were not beaten by their father ]

Shirley Henderson: [ hands everyone their burgers ] Here you go..

Susan Taylor: Thank you.

Shirley Henderson: [ glances offscreen ] Hey, Brandon? Michael? I need you to do me a favor and get out of the fountain. I need you to be a buddy and get out of the fountain..

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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