Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 21: Episode 2
95b: Chevy Chase / Lisa Loeb & Nine Stories
Flight Attendant Turner…..Nancy Walls
Captain Burke…..Chevy Chase
[ open on interior, cockpit, as Flight Attendant turner enters to Captain Burke and his Co-Pilot ]
Flight Attendant Turner: Captain Burke, are you ready for your next little co-pilot?
Co-Pilot: [ laughs ] It’s your turn to play Happy Captain! I’m gonna cruise the cabin. Have fun! [ exits ]
Captain Burke: Okay, but make it a quick one, will you?
Flight Attendant Turner: I’ll go get her. [ exits cockpit and pulls in hyperactive Althea ] Come on in. Althea, this is Captain Burke; Captain, this is Althea McMenannan.
Captain Burke: Well, welcome aboard, Althea! Ever been in the cockpit of a 727 before?
Flight Attendant Turner: Okay, I’ll leave you two alone.
Captain Burke: Alrighty. [ she exits the cockpit ] Thank you, Flight Attendant Turner.
Althea: [ bouncy ] Thank you, Flight Attendant Turner!
Captain Burke: Hey, Althea.. I sure could use a good co-pilot. Think you’re up to the job?
Althea: Yeah! My teacher, Mrs. McGivens, her husband’s a pilot, he came to our school to tell us about his job, and then we had a test, and I got an A, so Mrs. McGivens said that I had.. THE RIGHT STUFF!!!
Captain Burke: Well.. that’s good to know. And you know what an altimeter is? Well, it tells you how high the jet stre-
Althea: Do you have any kids!
Captain Burke: No.. no, I don’t have any kids..
Althea: I have a little brother – Corey. My little brother Corey was born with only one testicle!
Captain Burke: Well, I’m sorry..
Althea: How many do you have, do you have one, or two!
Captain Burke: I have two.
Althea: You only need one!
Captain Burke: [ uncomfortable ] Well.. I wouldn’t know about that.. [ Althea starts touching things in the cockpit ] No, no! don’t touch anything here, okay? Just relax.
Althea: But I have the right STUFF!!
Captain Burke: I know. But I need you to sit in your seat, okay? Right here. Be a good co-pilot. [ speaks into his intercom ] Will Flight Attendant Turner please report to the cockpit? Flight Attendant Turner, please report to the cockpit. [ turns back to Althea ] Yeah, maybe you’d like to see the outside of the jet?
Althea: Captain Burke, we’re gonna go visit my Aunt Jane in Colorado, where it’s cold! My Aunt Jane has a life partner, her nae is Ju-dy! They’re not married, they’re life partners! LIFE PARTNERS!!!
Captain Burke: Watch the controls, now. [ speaks into his intercom ] Will any flight attendant please report to the cockpit? Any flight attendant, please report to the cockpit. Run to the cockpit!
Althea: Captain Burke, I don’t do drugs, you know why!
Captain Burke: [ smug ] What would be the point?
Althea: Because only a dope does dope! And if a big kid asks me, I’m just gonna tell him that I don’t need drugs to feel good! Besides, I’m already h-h-h-hooked on PHONICS!!! HOOKED ON PHONICS!!! HOOKED ON PHONICS!!! HOOKED ON PHONICS!!! [ stomps ]
Captain Burke: I need you to stay put. Just stay put. Don’t touch that..
Althea: Captain Burke, my mom does drugs, but they’re prescription to calm her down!
Captain Burke: [ smug again ] Well, now that’s a big surprise. [ into intercom ] Uh.. Flight 839 to Control Tower, please.
Althea: Captain Burke!!
Captain Burke: [ into intercom ] Flight 839 to Tower.
Althea: Captain Burke, do you like Amy Grant!
Captain Burke: Who?
Althea: Amy Grant! [ sings and dances “Lucky One” ]
Captain Burke: I used to..
Althea: [ pulls out her doll ] Say hello to Baywatch Barbie!
Captain Burke: Hello, Baywatch Barbie.
Althea: She’s not a bimbo, she’s a LIFEGUARD!! [ stomps ]
Captain Burke: [ into his intercom ] Will any friggin’ flight attendant report to the cockpit?!
Althea: Captain Burke, I’m not gonna have sex before marriage, you know why, you know why!
Captain Burke: [ smug once more ] ‘Cause nobody will touch you.
Althea: ‘Cause no one can touch my body except my husband!
Captain Burke: Mmm..
Althea: I can touch my body! But only if I’m gonna.. wash.. or if I feel the need.. to explore!
Captain Burke: [ into his intercom ] Uh.. ladies and gentlemen, I’m sorry to interrupt our flight feature – “Free Willy 2” – but if a flight attendant doesn’t get her ass in the cockpit, I’m gonna take this plane down, okay?![ Flight Attendat Turner finally returns to the cockpit ]
Flight Attendant Turner: Okay, Althea, okay.. looks like you’re time is up, okay?
Althea: But I wanted to tell Captain Burke a joke!
Flight Attendant Turner: Well, why don’t you tell it to me, okay? It’s time to go.
Althea: Captain Burke.. Captain Burke has two testicles!
Flight Attendant Turner: [ pause ] Yes, I know. Let’s go.[ Flight Attendant Turer and Althea exit the cockpit, leaving a stunned Captain Burke alone with his thoughts ]
Captain Burke: Uh.. please, no more testi-.. uh.. no more visitors in the cockpit.[ fade ]