SNL Transcripts: Chevy Chase: 10/07/95: Althea


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 21: Episode 2

95b: Chevy Chase / Lisa Loeb & Nine Stories


Flight Attendant Turner…..Nancy Walls
Co-Pilot…..Jim Brueur
Captain Burke…..Chevy Chase
Althea…..Cheri Oteri

[ open on interior, cockpit, as Flight Attendant turner enters to Captain Burke and his Co-Pilot ]

Flight Attendant Turner: Captain Burke, are you ready for your next little co-pilot?

Co-Pilot: [ laughs ] It’s your turn to play Happy Captain! I’m gonna cruise the cabin. Have fun! [ exits ]

Captain Burke: Okay, but make it a quick one, will you?

Flight Attendant Turner: I’ll go get her. [ exits cockpit and pulls in hyperactive Althea ] Come on in. Althea, this is Captain Burke; Captain, this is Althea McMenannan.

Captain Burke: Well, welcome aboard, Althea! Ever been in the cockpit of a 727 before?

Flight Attendant Turner: Okay, I’ll leave you two alone.

Captain Burke: Alrighty. [ she exits the cockpit ] Thank you, Flight Attendant Turner.

Althea: [ bouncy ] Thank you, Flight Attendant Turner!

Captain Burke: Hey, Althea.. I sure could use a good co-pilot. Think you’re up to the job?

Althea: Yeah! My teacher, Mrs. McGivens, her husband’s a pilot, he came to our school to tell us about his job, and then we had a test, and I got an A, so Mrs. McGivens said that I had.. THE RIGHT STUFF!!!

Captain Burke: Well.. that’s good to know. And you know what an altimeter is? Well, it tells you how high the jet stre-

Althea: Do you have any kids!

Captain Burke: No.. no, I don’t have any kids..

Althea: I have a little brother – Corey. My little brother Corey was born with only one testicle!

Captain Burke: Well, I’m sorry..

Althea: How many do you have, do you have one, or two!

Captain Burke: I have two.

Althea: You only need one!

Captain Burke: [ uncomfortable ] Well.. I wouldn’t know about that.. [ Althea starts touching things in the cockpit ] No, no! don’t touch anything here, okay? Just relax.

Althea: But I have the right STUFF!!

Captain Burke: I know. But I need you to sit in your seat, okay? Right here. Be a good co-pilot. [ speaks into his intercom ] Will Flight Attendant Turner please report to the cockpit? Flight Attendant Turner, please report to the cockpit. [ turns back to Althea ] Yeah, maybe you’d like to see the outside of the jet?

Althea: Captain Burke, we’re gonna go visit my Aunt Jane in Colorado, where it’s cold! My Aunt Jane has a life partner, her nae is Ju-dy! They’re not married, they’re life partners! LIFE PARTNERS!!!

Captain Burke: Watch the controls, now. [ speaks into his intercom ] Will any flight attendant please report to the cockpit? Any flight attendant, please report to the cockpit. Run to the cockpit!

Althea: Captain Burke, I don’t do drugs, you know why!

Captain Burke: [ smug ] What would be the point?

Althea: Because only a dope does dope! And if a big kid asks me, I’m just gonna tell him that I don’t need drugs to feel good! Besides, I’m already h-h-h-hooked on PHONICS!!! HOOKED ON PHONICS!!! HOOKED ON PHONICS!!! HOOKED ON PHONICS!!! [ stomps ]

Captain Burke: I need you to stay put. Just stay put. Don’t touch that..

Althea: Captain Burke, my mom does drugs, but they’re prescription to calm her down!

Captain Burke: [ smug again ] Well, now that’s a big surprise. [ into intercom ] Uh.. Flight 839 to Control Tower, please.

Althea: Captain Burke!!

Captain Burke: [ into intercom ] Flight 839 to Tower.

Althea: Captain Burke, do you like Amy Grant!

Captain Burke: Who?

Althea: Amy Grant! [ sings and dances “Lucky One” ]

Captain Burke: I used to..

Althea: [ pulls out her doll ] Say hello to Baywatch Barbie!

Captain Burke: Hello, Baywatch Barbie.

Althea: She’s not a bimbo, she’s a LIFEGUARD!! [ stomps ]

Captain Burke: [ into his intercom ] Will any friggin’ flight attendant report to the cockpit?!

Althea: Captain Burke, I’m not gonna have sex before marriage, you know why, you know why!

Captain Burke: [ smug once more ] ‘Cause nobody will touch you.

Althea: ‘Cause no one can touch my body except my husband!

Captain Burke: Mmm..

Althea: I can touch my body! But only if I’m gonna.. wash.. or if I feel the need.. to explore!

Captain Burke: [ into his intercom ] Uh.. ladies and gentlemen, I’m sorry to interrupt our flight feature – “Free Willy 2” – but if a flight attendant doesn’t get her ass in the cockpit, I’m gonna take this plane down, okay?!

[ Flight Attendat Turner finally returns to the cockpit ]

Flight Attendant Turner: Okay, Althea, okay.. looks like you’re time is up, okay?

Althea: But I wanted to tell Captain Burke a joke!

Flight Attendant Turner: Well, why don’t you tell it to me, okay? It’s time to go.

Althea: Captain Burke.. Captain Burke has two testicles!

Flight Attendant Turner: [ pause ] Yes, I know. Let’s go.

[ Flight Attendant Turer and Althea exit the cockpit, leaving a stunned Captain Burke alone with his thoughts ]

Captain Burke: Uh.. please, no more testi-.. uh.. no more visitors in the cockpit.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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