SNL Transcripts: Chevy Chase: 10/07/95: Althea

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 21: Episode 2

95b: Chevy Chase / Lisa Loeb & Nine Stories


Flight Attendant Turner…..Nancy Walls
Co-Pilot…..Jim Brueur
Captain Burke…..Chevy Chase
Althea…..Cheri Oteri

[ open on interior, cockpit, as Flight Attendant turner enters to Captain Burke and his Co-Pilot ]

Flight Attendant Turner: Captain Burke, are you ready for your next little co-pilot?

Co-Pilot: [ laughs ] It’s your turn to play Happy Captain! I’m gonna cruise the cabin. Have fun! [ exits ]

Captain Burke: Okay, but make it a quick one, will you?

Flight Attendant Turner: I’ll go get her. [ exits cockpit and pulls in hyperactive Althea ] Come on in. Althea, this is Captain Burke; Captain, this is Althea McMenannan.

Captain Burke: Well, welcome aboard, Althea! Ever been in the cockpit of a 727 before?

Flight Attendant Turner: Okay, I’ll leave you two alone.

Captain Burke: Alrighty. [ she exits the cockpit ] Thank you, Flight Attendant Turner.

Althea: [ bouncy ] Thank you, Flight Attendant Turner!

Captain Burke: Hey, Althea.. I sure could use a good co-pilot. Think you’re up to the job?

Althea: Yeah! My teacher, Mrs. McGivens, her husband’s a pilot, he came to our school to tell us about his job, and then we had a test, and I got an A, so Mrs. McGivens said that I had.. THE RIGHT STUFF!!!

Captain Burke: Well.. that’s good to know. And you know what an altimeter is? Well, it tells you how high the jet stre-

Althea: Do you have any kids!

Captain Burke: No.. no, I don’t have any kids..

Althea: I have a little brother – Corey. My little brother Corey was born with only one testicle!

Captain Burke: Well, I’m sorry..

Althea: How many do you have, do you have one, or two!

Captain Burke: I have two.

Althea: You only need one!

Captain Burke: [ uncomfortable ] Well.. I wouldn’t know about that.. [ Althea starts touching things in the cockpit ] No, no! don’t touch anything here, okay? Just relax.

Althea: But I have the right STUFF!!

Captain Burke: I know. But I need you to sit in your seat, okay? Right here. Be a good co-pilot. [ speaks into his intercom ] Will Flight Attendant Turner please report to the cockpit? Flight Attendant Turner, please report to the cockpit. [ turns back to Althea ] Yeah, maybe you’d like to see the outside of the jet?

Althea: Captain Burke, we’re gonna go visit my Aunt Jane in Colorado, where it’s cold! My Aunt Jane has a life partner, her nae is Ju-dy! They’re not married, they’re life partners! LIFE PARTNERS!!!

Captain Burke: Watch the controls, now. [ speaks into his intercom ] Will any flight attendant please report to the cockpit? Any flight attendant, please report to the cockpit. Run to the cockpit!

Althea: Captain Burke, I don’t do drugs, you know why!

Captain Burke: [ smug ] What would be the point?

Althea: Because only a dope does dope! And if a big kid asks me, I’m just gonna tell him that I don’t need drugs to feel good! Besides, I’m already h-h-h-hooked on PHONICS!!! HOOKED ON PHONICS!!! HOOKED ON PHONICS!!! HOOKED ON PHONICS!!! [ stomps ]

Captain Burke: I need you to stay put. Just stay put. Don’t touch that..

Althea: Captain Burke, my mom does drugs, but they’re prescription to calm her down!

Captain Burke: [ smug again ] Well, now that’s a big surprise. [ into intercom ] Uh.. Flight 839 to Control Tower, please.

Althea: Captain Burke!!

Captain Burke: [ into intercom ] Flight 839 to Tower.

Althea: Captain Burke, do you like Amy Grant!

Captain Burke: Who?

Althea: Amy Grant! [ sings and dances “Lucky One” ]

Captain Burke: I used to..

Althea: [ pulls out her doll ] Say hello to Baywatch Barbie!

Captain Burke: Hello, Baywatch Barbie.

Althea: She’s not a bimbo, she’s a LIFEGUARD!! [ stomps ]

Captain Burke: [ into his intercom ] Will any friggin’ flight attendant report to the cockpit?!

Althea: Captain Burke, I’m not gonna have sex before marriage, you know why, you know why!

Captain Burke: [ smug once more ] ‘Cause nobody will touch you.

Althea: ‘Cause no one can touch my body except my husband!

Captain Burke: Mmm..

Althea: I can touch my body! But only if I’m gonna.. wash.. or if I feel the need.. to explore!

Captain Burke: [ into his intercom ] Uh.. ladies and gentlemen, I’m sorry to interrupt our flight feature – “Free Willy 2” – but if a flight attendant doesn’t get her ass in the cockpit, I’m gonna take this plane down, okay?!

[ Flight Attendat Turner finally returns to the cockpit ]

Flight Attendant Turner: Okay, Althea, okay.. looks like you’re time is up, okay?

Althea: But I wanted to tell Captain Burke a joke!

Flight Attendant Turner: Well, why don’t you tell it to me, okay? It’s time to go.

Althea: Captain Burke.. Captain Burke has two testicles!

Flight Attendant Turner: [ pause ] Yes, I know. Let’s go.

[ Flight Attendant Turer and Althea exit the cockpit, leaving a stunned Captain Burke alone with his thoughts ]

Captain Burke: Uh.. please, no more testi-.. uh.. no more visitors in the cockpit.

[ fade ]

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