SNL Transcripts: Chevy Chase: 10/07/95: Braveheart


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 21: Episode 2

95b: Chevy Chase / Lisa Loeb & Nine Stories


Warrior…..Darrell Hammond
…..Chevy Chase
…..Lorne Michaels
…..Mariel Hemingway
…..Jim Breuer

[ open on stock footage from the film “Braveheart” ] [ dissolve to SNL’s set, cast members dressed as characters from “Braveheart”, all crowded around a stone staircase that leads up to audience seating in the balcony ] [ trumpets sound ]

Warrior: We await William Wallace! He who is called.. Braveheart!

[ the crowd cheers the arrival of Braveheart, who, despite the triumphant soundtrack, doesn’t appear ]

Warrior: Uhh.. we await.. Braveheart!

[ from an angle looking down, the crowd cheers louder, but Braveheart again fails to appear ]

Warrior: [ tries again ] We await our leader, the man they call.. Braveheart!

[ the crowd cheers once more, but Braveheart still fails to appear. They are all dumbfounded at the absence of Braveheart. ] [ cut to Lorne Michaels’ office, where Chevy Chase, dressed as Braveheart, sits in front of Lorne’s desk ]

Chevy Chase: All I’m saying, Lorne, is that I’m a little uncomfortable doing this Braveheart sketch, that’s all.

Lorne Michaels: Chevy, the whole point of this sketch is to showcase your fall. People expect to see you fall. It’s a tradition.

Chevy Chase: Well, th-that’s why I’m uncomfortable. I mean, I’ve been eating all summer, Lorne. Eggs, mostly – but deep-fried. I’m out of shape, and I really don’t want to get hurt.

Lorne Michaels: Why, you got something coming up?

Chevy Chase: [ sheepishly ] No. But.. it’s a Braveheart sketch. The movie’s almost a year old. I mean, it’s not exactly cutting-edge parody!

Lorne Michaels: Hey, kids, are still talking about it.

Chevy Chase: I’m not going to do it.

Lorne Michaels: [ digests the information ] I was hoping you wouldn’t force me to do this.

Chevy Chase: What? [ watches, as Lorne pulls open a drawer and retrieves a huge stack of papers ] What’s that? [ Lorne drops the huge stack onto the desk ] My old contract? You’re not going to.. hold me to something I signed twenty years ago, are you?

Lorne Michaels: Hey, you still owe us seven shows.

Chevy Chase: Come on, Lorne, I’m too old for this. It’s stupid and unsafe for me to go out there and take a fall. Did my doctor call? I’m having problems with my neck.. my back..

Lorne Michaels: Chevy, I really wish that I could help you, but, uh.. remember, you left. You know? So I’m calling it in. It’s the network, okay? Do a funny fall, announce Lisa Loeb.

Chevy Chase: Geez.. [ Chevy stands, obviously in great pain ] Oh..

Lorne Michaels: You’ll be fine.

[ Chevy exits Lorne’s office ]

Lorne Michaels: [ looks offscreen ] Mariel? Can I get a cup of coffee?

[ last week’s host, Mariel Hemingway, steps up to Lorne’s desk and pours him a cup of coffee ]

Mariel Hemingway: Want anything else, Lorne?

Lorne Michaels: No. I’d like to be alone.

Mariel Hemingway: Okay. [ she walks away ] [ cut to Chevy exiting Lorne’s office and walking behind audience members seated at the balcony. Jim Breuer is standing by the wall. ]

Jim Breuer: [ to himself, as Chevy passes ] Holy cow! [ strides behind Chevy ] Mr. Chase!

Chevy Chase: [ responds without looking ] Yeah?

Jim Breuer: Jim Breuer. I’m a new cast member!

Chevy Chase: Oh, that’s great. [ turns to acknowledge Jim ] Sorry. It’s nice to meet you, Tim.

Jim Breuer: It’s Jim!

Chevy Chase: Yeah. Whatever. Hope you can save the show.

Jim Breuer: This is so great to have you here, you know? I used to watch you all the time. You know, ’cause I’m like you, I like to do physical comedy.

Chevy Chase: Great. Look, Bobby, uh —

Jim Breuer: Jim! Jim.

Chevy Chase: Yeah, whatever. I-I-I gotta do this “Braveheart” thing, so it’s nice talking to you. Maybe I’ll see you at the party, or something.

Jim Breuer: Mr. Chase, you’re not gonna go down this stairfall, are you? [ the angle cuts to look up toward them, the other cast members still standing on cue at the bottom of the staircase ] I mean, this is kind of crazy, don’t you think? You’re a 55-year old, you shouldn’t be doing this stuff.

Chevy Chase: I’m 49. Okay? Betty?

Jim Breuer: Jim.

Chevy Chase: Jim. [ Chevy stops at the top of the staircase, sighs; Jim looks sorrowfully at him ] Now, Jim.. Lorne wants me to do a fall. I owe him seven shows.. there’s a good chance I won’t get hurt, and.. you know, this is comedy, so what the heck?

Jim Breuer: Mr. Chase.

Chevy Chase: Yeah?

Jim Breuer: Let me do the fall. You know, I’m at that age where I just feel I’m invincible, you know? And I love to hear the laughter! Come on!

[ soft music pots up ]

Chevy Chase: Betty — that’s exactly how I used to feel. [ sigh ] Life is going to one continuous party, I thought that things were going to be.. going my way continually. A little fall here, a little fall there, some laughter, then I cash the elephant check. But, after a while, I started noticing back pains that hadn’t been there before, aches in the morning, and I-I-I-I turned to pills. Pils aren’t good for you, Betty. I think they’re what gave me that bout of syphilis. [ Jim nods his head ] Don’t contradict me, my wife is watching. Soon, it was pills in the morning, pills at night. Back pains, they just kept coming. I was in and out of rehab so many times, they gave me my own doggie door, Butch. [ sighs ] I’m turning 48 tomorrow, and I don’t like what life has become. and you won’t like your life, either, if you go the fall route. Take it from me.Wow, Mr. Chase. Thanks. I think I really learned something from you today, you know? I think I’m going to take a more.. cerebral approach to comedy, you know? None of this fall stuff. Man, you’re the best, Chevy.

Chevy Chase: Thanks, Ron. [ a beat, before he pushes Jim down the stairs ] [ the cast members standing at the bottom of the staircase cheer as Jim tumbles down to their feet ] [ cut back to Chevy at the top of the stairs, as he looks directly into the camera ]

Chevy Chase: “Live! From New York –“

Beth McCarthy V/O: Chevy, we already did that.

Chevy Chase: Oh. [ regains himself ] Uhh.. ladies and gentlemen, uhh.. Lisa Loeb! and Nine Stories!

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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