Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 21: Episode 2
[ open on stock footage from the film “Braveheart” ]
[ dissolve to SNL’s set, cast members dressed as characters from “Braveheart”, all crowded around a stone staircase that leads up to audience seating in the balcony ]
[ trumpets sound ]
Warrior: We await William Wallace! He who is called.. Braveheart!
[ the crowd cheers the arrival of Braveheart, who, despite the triumphant soundtrack, doesn’t appear ]
Warrior: Uhh.. we await.. Braveheart!
[ from an angle looking down, the crowd cheers louder, but Braveheart again fails to appear ]
Warrior: [ tries again ] We await our leader, the man they call.. Braveheart!
[ the crowd cheers once more, but Braveheart still fails to appear. They are all dumbfounded at the absence of Braveheart. ]
[ cut to Lorne Michaels’ office, where Chevy Chase, dressed as Braveheart, sits in front of Lorne’s desk ]
Chevy Chase: All I’m saying, Lorne, is that I’m a little uncomfortable doing this Braveheart sketch, that’s all.
Lorne Michaels: Chevy, the whole point of this sketch is to showcase your fall. People expect to see you fall. It’s a tradition.
Chevy Chase: Well, th-that’s why I’m uncomfortable. I mean, I’ve been eating all summer, Lorne. Eggs, mostly – but deep-fried. I’m out of shape, and I really don’t want to get hurt.
Lorne Michaels: Why, you got something coming up?
Chevy Chase: [ sheepishly ] No. But.. it’s a Braveheart sketch. The movie’s almost a year old. I mean, it’s not exactly cutting-edge parody!
Lorne Michaels: Hey, kids, are still talking about it.
Chevy Chase: I’m not going to do it.
Lorne Michaels: [ digests the information ] I was hoping you wouldn’t force me to do this.
Chevy Chase: What? [ watches, as Lorne pulls open a drawer and retrieves a huge stack of papers ] What’s that? [ Lorne drops the huge stack onto the desk ] My old contract? You’re not going to.. hold me to something I signed twenty years ago, are you?
Lorne Michaels: Hey, you still owe us seven shows.
Chevy Chase: Come on, Lorne, I’m too old for this. It’s stupid and unsafe for me to go out there and take a fall. Did my doctor call? I’m having problems with my neck.. my back..
Lorne Michaels: Chevy, I really wish that I could help you, but, uh.. remember, you left. You know? So I’m calling it in. It’s the network, okay? Do a funny fall, announce Lisa Loeb.
Chevy Chase: Geez.. [ Chevy stands, obviously in great pain ] Oh..
Lorne Michaels: You’ll be fine.
[ Chevy exits Lorne’s office ]
Lorne Michaels: [ looks offscreen ] Mariel? Can I get a cup of coffee?
[ last week’s host, Mariel Hemingway, steps up to Lorne’s desk and pours him a cup of coffee ]
Mariel Hemingway: Want anything else, Lorne?
Lorne Michaels: No. I’d like to be alone.
Mariel Hemingway: Okay. [ she walks away ]
[ cut to Chevy exiting Lorne’s office and walking behind audience members seated at the balcony. Jim Breuer is standing by the wall. ]
Jim Breuer: [ to himself, as Chevy passes ] Holy cow! [ strides behind Chevy ] Mr. Chase!
Chevy Chase: [ responds without looking ] Yeah?
Jim Breuer: Jim Breuer. I’m a new cast member!
Chevy Chase: Oh, that’s great. [ turns to acknowledge Jim ] Sorry. It’s nice to meet you, Tim.
Jim Breuer: It’s Jim!
Chevy Chase: Yeah. Whatever. Hope you can save the show.
Jim Breuer: This is so great to have you here, you know? I used to watch you all the time. You know, ’cause I’m like you, I like to do physical comedy.
Chevy Chase: Great. Look, Bobby, uh —
Jim Breuer: Jim! Jim.
Chevy Chase: Yeah, whatever. I-I-I gotta do this “Braveheart” thing, so it’s nice talking to you. Maybe I’ll see you at the party, or something.
Jim Breuer: Mr. Chase, you’re not gonna go down this stairfall, are you? [ the angle cuts to look up toward them, the other cast members still standing on cue at the bottom of the staircase ] I mean, this is kind of crazy, don’t you think? You’re a 55-year old, you shouldn’t be doing this stuff.
Chevy Chase: I’m 49. Okay? Betty?
Jim Breuer: Jim.
Chevy Chase: Jim. [ Chevy stops at the top of the staircase, sighs; Jim looks sorrowfully at him ] Now, Jim.. Lorne wants me to do a fall. I owe him seven shows.. there’s a good chance I won’t get hurt, and.. you know, this is comedy, so what the heck?
Jim Breuer: Mr. Chase.
Chevy Chase: Yeah?
Jim Breuer: Let me do the fall. You know, I’m at that age where I just feel I’m invincible, you know? And I love to hear the laughter! Come on!
[ soft music pots up ]
Chevy Chase: Betty — that’s exactly how I used to feel. [ sigh ] Life is going to one continuous party, I thought that things were going to be.. going my way continually. A little fall here, a little fall there, some laughter, then I cash the elephant check. But, after a while, I started noticing back pains that hadn’t been there before, aches in the morning, and I-I-I-I turned to pills. Pils aren’t good for you, Betty. I think they’re what gave me that bout of syphilis. [ Jim nods his head ] Don’t contradict me, my wife is watching. Soon, it was pills in the morning, pills at night. Back pains, they just kept coming. I was in and out of rehab so many times, they gave me my own doggie door, Butch. [ sighs ] I’m turning 48 tomorrow, and I don’t like what life has become. and you won’t like your life, either, if you go the fall route. Take it from me.Wow, Mr. Chase. Thanks. I think I really learned something from you today, you know? I think I’m going to take a more.. cerebral approach to comedy, you know? None of this fall stuff. Man, you’re the best, Chevy.
Chevy Chase: Thanks, Ron. [ a beat, before he pushes Jim down the stairs ]
[ the cast members standing at the bottom of the staircase cheer as Jim tumbles down to their feet ]
[ cut back to Chevy at the top of the stairs, as he looks directly into the camera ]
Chevy Chase: “Live! From New York –“
Beth McCarthy V/O: Chevy, we already did that.
Chevy Chase: Oh. [ regains himself ] Uhh.. ladies and gentlemen, uhh.. Lisa Loeb! and Nine Stories!