SNL Transcripts: David Schwimmer: 10/21/95: Grayson Moorhead Securities II

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 21: Episode 3

95c: David Schwimmer / Natalie Merchant

Grayson Moorhead Securities II

Arthur Grayson…..Jim Downey

Narrator: To Arthur Grayson, there was no substitute for knowingthe market.

Arthur Grayson: Clients will rely on us for market expertise. If the day ever comes when a client knows more about the market than we do, copy him. Do what he does.

[ SUPER: “Writing Brokers’ Names on Slips of Paper” ]

Once a year, we will write each broker’s name on a slip of paper and then place the slips in a hat. Each broker will then draw a slip of paper from the hat. He will buy a gift for the broker whose name he has drawn. He will be that broker’s “Secret Santa.”

[ SUPER: “Drawing Again” ]

If a broker draws his own name from the hat, he will draw again.

[ SUPER: “Taking Special Care” ]

We must take special care of the list with each client’s name and the amount of money he has invested. If we were to lose that list, we would be ruined.

[ SUPER: “If My Wife Calls” ]

If my wife calls while I’m in shagging my secretary, tell her I’m at a board meeting. That way I’ll be able to continue shagging my secretary without my wife knowing about it.

[ SUPER: “the tradition continues…” ]

If my wife were to find out about me and my secretary, that would be bad. As bad as losing the list.

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