SNL Transcripts: David Schwimmer: 10/21/95: Grayson Moorhead Securities II


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 21: Episode 3

95c: David Schwimmer / Natalie Merchant

Grayson Moorhead Securities II

Arthur Grayson…..Jim Downey

Narrator: To Arthur Grayson, there was no substitute for knowingthe market.

Arthur Grayson: Clients will rely on us for market expertise. If the day ever comes when a client knows more about the market than we do, copy him. Do what he does.

[ SUPER: “Writing Brokers’ Names on Slips of Paper” ]

Once a year, we will write each broker’s name on a slip of paper and then place the slips in a hat. Each broker will then draw a slip of paper from the hat. He will buy a gift for the broker whose name he has drawn. He will be that broker’s “Secret Santa.”

[ SUPER: “Drawing Again” ]

If a broker draws his own name from the hat, he will draw again.

[ SUPER: “Taking Special Care” ]

We must take special care of the list with each client’s name and the amount of money he has invested. If we were to lose that list, we would be ruined.

[ SUPER: “If My Wife Calls” ]

If my wife calls while I’m in shagging my secretary, tell her I’m at a board meeting. That way I’ll be able to continue shagging my secretary without my wife knowing about it.

[ SUPER: “the tradition continues…” ]

If my wife were to find out about me and my secretary, that would be bad. As bad as losing the list.

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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