SNL Transcripts: David Schwimmer: 10/21/95: Kids. vs. Grownups


Saturday Night Live Transcripts

Season 21: Episode 3

95c: David Schwimmer / Natalie Merchant

Kids. vs. Grownups

Jeffrey Moore…..David Schwimmer
Kyle Richards…..Will Ferrell
Brad Robert…..Jim Breuer

Announcer: The Nickelodeon Channel presents.. “Kids. vs. Grownups”. With your host, Jeffrey Moore.

Jeffrey Moore: Hey, hey, hey! Welcome to “Kids vs. Grownups”, the show that answers the age-old question: Who’s better? Kids, or Grownups? Who do you think are better? [ kids on left side of audience cheer loudly ] Well, let’s find out, let’s meet our contestants.. [ turns to a pair of kids ] ..Kyle and Samantha. Are you the kids, or the grownups? [ laughs ] Kyle? How old are you?

Kyle: 8.

Jeffrey Moore: And, you, Samantha?

Samantha: I just turned 10 yesterday.

Jeffrey Moore: Oh, well.. Happy Birthday, Samantha! Did you getwhat you wanted?

Samantha: No. I wanted a bunny.

Jeffrey Moore: Oh, I’m sorry.. well, maybe next year. Now, let’s meet the grownups.

Dale: Hi! I’m Dale Butterworth, I’m from Madisonville, New Jersey. I’m 42 years old, and I’m a grownup! [ laughs, as kids boo and grownups cheer ]

Mary: And I’m Mary McGowen, I’m from Wilmington, Deleware, and, Jeff, I’ve just got one thing to say: Grownups Rule! [ kids boo, grownups cheer ]

Jeffrey Moore: Well, let’s get started. Dinky, do you have thequestions? [ Dinky, a grownup dressed as a tiger runs up with the gamecards ] Dinky, do you do for Halloween, dress up like a normalperson? Ha ha! [ Dinky runs off ] Kids, are you ready? Grownups? Ooh, it’s a Science question! Kyle, do you like Science? [ reads card ] “Where on the female body would you find a clitoris?”

Mary: [ buzzes in ] The vagina?

Jeffrey Moore: That’s right! [ grownups cheer, kids boo ] Alright. Question 2: [ reads card ] “The clinical term for a man peaking too soon?”

Dale:[ buzzes in ] Premature Ejaculation!

Jeffrey Moore: That’s correct! [ grownups cheer, kids boo ] Dale, are you an “expert” on that subject?

Dale: [ laughs ] Yeah!

Jeffrey Moore: Now, kids, can you hear me over here? Is your buzzer working? [ checks ] Okay! Oh, here’s one about the movies! Who likes the movies! [ Kyle and Samantha raised their hands in excitement ] Okay.. [ reads card ] “In the movie, ‘Showgirls’, what was the name of the strip club everyone went to?”

Dale: [ buzzes in ] The Cheetah Club.

Jeffrey Moore: Yes! [ grownups cheer, kids boo ]

Kyle: [ pouting ] No fair!

Jeffrey Moore: What? Did you say something?

Kyle: It’s not fair! It’s all grownup questions.

Jeffrey Moore: Oh, it’s not fair! Well, boo hoo hoo! What are you going to do, tell your Mommy? [ back to questions ] Okay.. here’s one about a Walt Disney movie.. [ turns to the kids ] Okay, Kyle, are you happy? [ reads card ] “In the Walt Disney movie ‘Aladdin’, Aladdin falls in love with a beautiful princess. What is the name..”

Samantha: [ buzzes in ] Princess Jasmine!

Jeffrey Moore: [ angry ] You want to let me finish! Would you let me finish the question! [ reads card ] “What is the name of the CEO of the Walt Disney company?”

Dale: [ buzzes in ] Michael Eisner?

Jeffrey Moore: That’s right! [ grownups cheer, kids cry ] Whoa, whoa! Excuse me, are you crying? Are you crying? You know, if you cry, you forfeit the game. Okay? I’m gonna give you three seconds to stop – 1, 2.. [ kids stop crying ] Okay. Now for the Dinky Double! This question is worth 100 points! [ reads question ] “According to the 1963 song, where is the answer blowing?”

Kyle: [ buzzes in, beating the grownups ] In the wind?

Jeffrey Moore: What?

Kyle: In the wind!

Jeffrey Moore: Do you know, or are you guessing? Do you know, or are you guessing? You’re guessing, aren’t you..? No points! 0! You don’t get any points for guessing! Grownups?

Grownups: [ buzzing in ] In the wind!

Jeffrey Moore: That’s right! [ kids boo harder ] Shut up! Shut up, you little bastards! Grow up! You think the world revolves around you?! So, the grownups are ahead, 450 to nothing. But the kids have one last chance – the Physical Challenge! [ Dinky brings out a Tetherball pole ] Oh, look, it’s Tetherball! Dale? Samantha? Please. Now, you know the rules – first one around the pole wins. Ready? Go!

[ Dale quickly grans the ball and swings it high above the pole whereSamantha can’t possibly reach it – the kids boo at the deceitful victory. ]

Jeffrey Moore: The grownups win! Alright, now, let’s see what you’ve won.. [ Dinky rolls out a bunny cage ] Oh, look.. it’s a bunny! And, look.. uncovers the second part of the prize ] ..a pot to cook it in! Oh, yeah, rabbit stew! Hey, save some for me! [ laughs ] Oh, don’t worry, kids.. you’re not going to go away empty-handed.. oh, wait, I’m sorry.. yes, yes you are! [ the kids scream ] Alright, that’s it! You all have detention! After the show, you’re gonna sit right here and think about how you’ve been acting!

[ turns to the camera ]

Thank you! Good night, everybody! See you next time on “Kids vs. Grownups“.. [ a soda can hits his arm ] Who threw that?! Who threw that?!

[ he and Dale run after the perputrator, as the game show fades to black ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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