SNL Transcripts: David Schwimmer: 10/21/95: David Schwimmer’s Monologue


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 21: Episode 3

95c: David Schwimmer / Natalie Merchant

David Schwimmer’s Monologue

…..David Schwimmer
…..Lisa Kudrow
…..Jennifer Aniston
…..Gary Coleman
…..Barry Williams
…..Jimmy Walker

Don Pardo: Ladies and gentlemen – David Schwimmer!

David Schwimmer: Thank you. I’m not just saying that, but, uh.. it really is – it really is g to be here. In fact, when I was a kid growing up, I used to watch “Saturday Night Live” and wondered what it would feel like, you know, just to walk out on this stage knowing that millions of people were watching you. And, uh.. I have to say, now that I’m here – it’s a little scary. And a little lonely.

[ the house begins to play the theme from “Friends” on the piano ]

David Schwimmer: It’s times like these your kind of wish you had a friend around. “It’s like you’re always stuck in second gear / When it hasn’t been your day, your week, your month, or even your year.”

[ suddunly, a familiar figure rises from the front row of the audience ]

Lisa Kudrow: I’ll be there for you, David.

David Schwimmer: “When the rain starts to pour,” Lisa?

[ Jennifer Aniston rises from her seat beside Lisa ]

Jennifer Aniston: We’ll be there for you, David.

David Schwimmer: “Like you’ve been there before,” Jen? [ happily ] Come on up here, you guys!

[ Lisa and Jennifer join David at Home Base, as he wraps hos arms around the two of them and hugs ]

David Schwimmer: Well, anyway —

[ suddenly, Gary Coleman appears from Stage Left ]

Gary Coleman: “Now, the world don’t move to the beat of just one drum / What might be right for you, may not be right for some / It takes Diff’rent Strokes / It takes, Diff’rent Strokes to move the world.”

David Schwimmer: That’s right, Gary —

[ another surprise, as Barry Williams steps out from within the band area ]

Barry Willians: “Here’s a story, of a lovely lady / Who was bringing up three very lovely girls / All of them had hair of gold like their mother / The youngest one in curls.”

David Schwimmer: So, anyway — well, uh.. we’ve got a great, great show for you tonight —

[ the biggest surprise of all, as Jimmy Walker bursts from behind the host entrance door ]

Jimmy Walker: “Good Times / Any time you meet a payment!”

[ a huge church choir follows him onto the stage, singing the theme song in full ]

Choir: “Good Times / Any time you meet a payment / Good Times / Any time you need a friend / Good Times / Any time you’re out from under / Not getting hassled, not getting hustled / Keepin’ your head above water / Making a wave when you can.”

David Schwimmer: “Temporary lay offs.”

All: “Good Times.”

Gary Coleman: “Easy credit rip offs.”

All: “Good Times / Scratchin’ and surviving / Good Times / Hangin in a chow line / Good Times / Ain’t we lucky we got ‘em / Good Times!”

David Schwimmer: Well, uh.. that’s what friends are for! We’ve got a great show! Natalie Merchant is here tonight, so stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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