SNL Transcripts: Gabriel Byrne: 10/28/95: Special Ladies


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 21: Episode 4

95d: Gabriel Byrne / Alanis Morrisette

Special Ladies

Shop Owner…..Nancy Walls
Robin Walker…..Gabriel Byrne
Woman #1…..Molly Shannon
Woman #2…..Cheri Oteri

Shop Owner: Well, I’m proud to announce that, despite the flash flood knocking out the main road, this is the largest turnout we’ve ever had for a reading at The Book Worm! It is noew my proud pleasure to introduce to you a man who is not afraid to celebrate the mature woman. The author of The Golden Ache is Missing You – Mr. Robin Walker!

[ the women cheer him out ]

Robin Walker: Oh, thank you. Thank you, ladies, for giving respite to this.. this poet, this traveler, this dreamer. Would you take pity on me, and be my special ladies tonight? [ the women squeal with approval ] Before I read from my novel, The Golden Ache of Missing You, I’d like to share with you some of my musings. I wrote this poem last night, when I was out camping next to my dusty, vintage truck.. thinking about the special lady that I loved and.. lost. [ the women sigh ] I call this one: “Special Lady”.

[ recites ]“Night masks the great Niagra
As I fall, oh fall
in love with you, Special Lady.
Dawn awakens over the Serrengetti
but I won’t forgetti
you, my Special Lady.”

[ the women squeal in admiration ]

Thank you. You’re so.. You’re so special. Would anybody mind if I read a passage from my personal diary? [ no complaints ] I, uh.. I wrote this while I stared anagmatically out the window of an Iowa coffeeshop. [ reads ]

“Why is it that older women can’t see how beautiful they are? I don’t want some teenaged girl, untouched by life’s experience. Give me, instead, a woman with eyes worn from witnessing a thousand sunny days, a stomach strecthed from childbirth, her fanny spread from years of sitting behind a desk. Now that is a woman I will make love to in the bayous of Baton Rouge!!”

[ the women squeal excitedly, unable to take it ]

Ladies, before I go on, perhaps you have some questions for this weary wanderer?

[ all the women jump at the chance to ask him a question ]

Woman #1: Mr Walker!

Robin Walker: Yes. Special Lady.

Woman #1: Uh.. if it’s not too painful, Mr. Walker.. would you mind telling us about Francesca? The special lady that you loved and lost.

Robin Walker: Yes. Of course. You know,I lost her in a blizzard in Iowa.

Woman #2: What was she like? What was she like?

Robin Walker: She was.. she was the most desirable woman in the world – to me. 55 years old, long graying hair, breasts ripened by gravity, and a lot of bridgework. Oh.. how I loved her.

Shop Owner: You must miss her terribly.

Robin Walker: Yes, I do. You know, I still fantasize about what our.. future might have been like.. Sometimes, I see her at 85, working in her beloved garden, her hands swollen from arthritis. I gently take her cane, she falls into my arms. I carry her slowly up the staircase, her experienced lips meet mine in an endless kiss as I lead her to the adjustable bed. And I tease her earlobe with my tongue, and slowly run my hand along her support hose.. and I know that, without words, she is mine.. forever.

[ the women are silent ]

Woman #1: Um.. um.. we don’t like that story.

Robin Walker: I’m sorry? I.. I.. I don’t understand..

Shop Owner: Well.. you’re talking about having sex with an old lady. Like, somebody’s grandmother.

Robin Walker: I prefer to think of them as very, very mature,special ladies. I often think, sometimes, a prune is sweeter than a plum.

[ the women eeuggh ]

Shop Owner: Are you saying you want to have sex with an 85-year-old?!

Robin Walker: Yes! Why not! Love has no age!

Woman #2: I think that’s disgusting! [ everyone agrees ] Older women should not be used for your sexual fantasies!

Shop Owner: Old ladies are sweet and innocent! They don’t wannahave sex!

Robin Walker: Oh, what hypocrites you are! Oh yes, it’s fine to find middle-aged women exciting and sexy! But a women in her golden years is used up? Good for nothing but making doilies and handing out peppermints? Is that what you’re saying?

Women: Yes!!

[ the women angrily exit the bookstore ]

Robin Walker: But you’re wrong, I tell you! They’re beautiful! And desirable! I’ll tell you this – thirty years from now, you’ll be singing a different tune! Oh, yes! I understand the tangled web of women’s emotions! [ they all leave ] Ah, go, you hypocrites!

[ one Old Lady remains seated ]

Old Lady: Young man?

Robin Walker: Yes, Special Lady.

Old Lady: Would you like to have.. a peppermint?

Robin Walker: Oh, yes. I think I’d like that.. very much..

[ the Old Lady walks up to Robin, and falls into his arms as they dance in the middle of the bookstore ] [ Music Over: “Up Where We Belong”, Joe Cocker & Jennifer Warnes ] [ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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