Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 21: Episode 4
95d: Gabriel Byrne / Alanis Morrisette
Mary Katherine Gallagher
Patrick Connoly…..Will Ferrell
Father…..Gabriel Byrne
Mary Katherine Gallagher…..Molly Shannon
[ open on exterior, St. Monica’s High School. Fade to the interior, St.Monica’s auditorium, where students are auditioning for the school talent show. ]
Patrick Connolly: [ singing ]
“Sending out an S.O.S.!
Sending out an S.O.S.!
Sending out an S.O.S.!”
Father: Thank you for auditioning, Patrick.. thank you.
Patrick Connolly: Just one second.. [ singing ] “Sending outan S.O.S.!”
Father: That is very good, Patrick, really..
Patrick Connolly: The Police rule!
Father: Yes, I’m sure they do. [ nudges Patrick off the stage ]Okay, that was Patrick Connolly there.. with “Sending Out An S.O.S..”
Patrick Connolly: [ jumps back on stage ] “Message in aBottle!” [ jumps off again ]
Father: ..”Sending Out a.. Message in a Bottle”.. by the Policemen.. Okay, students, and members of the faculty.. our next auditoneer for St. Monica’s talent show is.. [ reading from clipboard ] ..Ma-ry Ka-therine..
Mary Katherine Gallagher: [ dashing in excitedly, and crashing over some folding chairs ] Mary Katherine Gallagher!! I slipped! Mary Katherine Gallagher!
Father: Mary Katherine Gallagher.. I think I have it now..
Mary Katherine Gallagher: Mary Katherine Gallagher – that’s me!
Father: Right. Uh.. everyone, can we have some attention, please, for Mary Katherine..
Mary Katherine Gallagher: Gallagher.
Father: Come over here. What’s the matter with you?
Mary Katherine Gallagher: I’m shy. [ folds her arms and sticks her fingers behind her shirt sleeves ]
Father: Do you want to audition?
Mary Katherine Gallagher: Yes, I do.. Sometimes when I get nervous, I stick my hands under my arms, and then I smell my fingers – like that. [ sniffs her smelly fingers ] That’s gross! That’s gross!
Father: Well, that’s very interesting, Mary Katherine, yes.. Yes. Very interesting.. [ Mary clowns around ] Now.. your grandmother..
Mary Katherine Gallagher: My grandmother.. um.. I’m gonna tell you about her. She’s my.. um.. legal guardian.. and she lives in a motorized wheelchair.. and she says a bear a very striking resemblence to a very young Elizabeth Taylor.
Father: That’s true, you do. A very striking resemblence. [ looks at his clipboard ] Now.. it says right that you have a mono..
Mary Katherine Gallagher: Monologue.
Father: A monologue, yes.
Mary Katherine Gallagher: I’m going to be doing a monologue today from my favorite made-for-TV movie, “The Betty Broderick Story”, starring Meredith Baxter-Birney.
Father: That’s very good, then, Mary Katherine. So, whenver you’re ready.. [ steps aside ]
Mary Katherine Gallagher: Okay. Okay.. I’m sorry, I’m nervous..[ poises herself ] “I remember it was dawn, and the sun was just.. the sun was just barely rising. And I.. I took the gun out of a little wooden box in my room.. and I got outside, and I got into my car.. then I drove.. and I drove.. and I drove over to Dan Broderick and Linda’s house. And then I.. and then I.. broke into their front door and I.. slowly climbed up the stairs.. and to their bedroom, and I saw them sleeping there, and I just shot them both! I hate you, Dan! I hate you! I hate you!
Father: [ grabs Mary Katherine’s arm ] Very good, Mary Katherine.. Very good..
Mary Katherine Gallagher: [ breaks free and does her victorysplit ] Monologue!
Father: Good, good, girl. That was terrific. Now, you’re not still nervous, are you?
Mary Katherine Gallagher: No.
Father: That was very good, very good. Now, it says here that you’re going to do a song..
Mary Katherine Gallagher: I’m going to do a song. I’m going to be doing one of my favorite songs..
Father: Well, why don’t you go ahead and do that song.. [ stepsaside ]
Mary Katherine Gallagher: [ stands beside the piano ] Do you know “You Ask Me If I Love You”? [ the nun behind the piano nods ] Okay! Okay..
[ singing ]
“You ask me..
You ask me if I love you..
and I choke on my reply.
I’d rather tell you honestly..
Than mislead you with a lie.
[ props her leg atop the piano, flashing her.. Father.. covers themwith his clipboard ]
“And sometimes when we touch..
the honesty’s too much.
I’ll have to close my eyes and hide..”
Father: Very good, Mary Katherine Gallagher. That was great. [ tries to move on ] Now, next..
Mary Katherine Gallagher: I still have a few bars of that song, if you’d let me finish..?
Father: Sorry, you were just getting a bit carried away there.. Now, our next.. our next auditioneer..
Mary Katherine Gallagher: Actually, Father, I also do gymnastics! [ jumps in the air ] Back flip! [ jumps in the air ] Back flip! [ jumps in the air ] Back flip! [ jumps in the air ] Back flip! [ crashes into a stack of folding chairs and collapses to the ground ]
Father: [ angry ] Stop it! Stop it! Control yourself, for God’s sake, woman! Control yourself!
Mary Katherine Gallagher: [ standing up ] I’m under control..
Father: I’m writing your name down here, look.. [ takes out hisclipboard ] Mary Katherine..
Mary Katherine Gallagher: Gallagher.
Gallagher. Right. You just got a little carried away there, didn’t you?
Mary Katherine Gallagher: Yeah.
Father: Okay.. good girl. You can go back to your class now, okay?
Mary Katherine Gallagher: Okay.. thanks, Father. [ steps away, then jumps back in for one last split ] Superstar! [ runs off, stumbling over the folding chairs once more ]
Father: Okay, everyone.. before we see Sean O’Reilly and his..[ checks clipboard ] ..step-dancing monkey.. I think we had better have a bit of a break. Don’t you, Sister? Yes.. dear God.. [ sits down on stool and covers his face with his hands ]
[ fade to black ]
