Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 21: Episode 4
Officer Mohr…..Tim Meadows
[ open on exterior, Riker’s Island Prison ] [ fade to interior, Warden’s Office ]
Warden: [ into his intercom ] Send in Officer Mohr! [ Officer Mohr enters ] Have a seat, we need to talk.
Officer Mohr: Yes, Sir. [ sits ]
Warden: As you know, after three months we assess your performance as a guard here at Riker’s Island.
Officer Mohr: Yes. I know.
Warden: I’ve decided to.. well, Son, this is never easy.. but you’re fired.
Officer Mohr: Why?
Warden: You’re, what.. 5’8″, 140 pounds? Do you realize that the average inmate here is 6″4″, 240 pounds?
Officer Mohr: Uh, yes, Sir. So?
Warden: Now, aside from the basic training you received at theCorrections Facility, what other combat or self-defense training have you had?
Officer Mohr: Uh.. my sister taught me how to fight.
Warden: That’s all? Nothing beside your sister? No karate, martial arts, boxing?
Officer Mohr: No. No.
Warden: Now, in the 90 days you’ve worked here, how many fights you been involved in?
Officer Mohr: 360, Sir.
Warden: And how many of those were with prisoners?
Officer Mohr: 270, Sir.
Warden: How many of those fights did you win or control?
Officer Mohr: None.
Warden: And in 90 or so other fights, those were with..
Officer Mohr: Other guards, visitors, and you.
Warden: So, I hope you understand why we have to let you go.
Officer Mohr: Well, I’ll work harder, Sir!
Warden: Look, Officer Mohr, let me make this clear, okay? Of the 270 fights with prisoners, you were raped how many times?
Officer Mohr: 274 times.
Warden: Right! That’s why I think it’s better if you find other work. It’s for your own safety, and you have no future in the Department of Corrections.
Officer Mohr: Well, may I say something in my defense, Sir?
Officer Mohr: Well, I know it’s not the most glamourous career in the world.. but I love my job!
Warden: Uh-huh.. Of the 90 fights with people other than prisoners, how many of them ended in you being beaten and raped?
Officer Mohr: 89.
Officer Mohr: Well.. thanks to you.
Warden: That’s okay. [ pause ] Now, at the prison talent show, how many ended with you being beaten and raped.
Officer Mohr: Uh.. the vast majority, Sir.
Warden: The vast majority?!
Officer Mohr: All of them.
Warden: And how many chapel services ended with you being beatenand raped?
Officer Mohr: All of them.
Warden: Right! You see, we just can’t have you here, Son.. it’sdisruptive. We want our guards to put the Fear of God into these prisoners, not the Joy of Sex!
Officer Mohr: Right. I understand.
Warden: Also, I want you to understand that this is nothing personal between you and me, because, hell, I admire your courage and dedication and your ability to heal.
Officer Mohr: Thank you, Warden. May I also point out that there was not one escape during my appointment here?
Warden: Because nobody wanted to escape! Now, this isn’teasy for me, Son.. but turn in your nightstick and your identification!
Officer Mohr: [ stands up ] Well, Warden, if that’s the way you want it. But I’m telling you, I’ll be a prison guard somewhere! If not here, then at a smaller, more violent, minimum security prison – I promise! You’re not stopping me, you’re only inspiring me!
Warden: Just get out of here, you idiot! [ sees Officer Mohr removing his uniform ] What are you doing?
Officer Mohr: Well, I came into the prison naked, Sir, and by god, I’ll leave naked!
Warden: [ into his intercom ] Will you send in a couple of guards to escort this idiot from the grounds?
Officer Mohr: I won’t need you! I’ll show you howtough I am! [ exits office ]
Warden: [ looks out into the hall ] Would somebody get that idiot before he.. [ the sounds of the guard being beaten and raped by the other inmates in the hall can be heard ] Oh, boy.. [ sits down at his desk as the scene zooms out to fade ]