Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 21: Episode 5
Clara Turley’s Bible Challenge
Clara Turley…..Nancy Walls
Stan Hooper…..Norm MacDonald
Clara Turley: Hello. I’m Clara Turley. Welcome to the “BibleChallenge”, where we meet and rejoice in our knowledge of the Good Book.
Contestants: Praise the Lord!
Let’s meet our contestants. [ camera pans to Southern Baptist ] Dr. Gene Spaulding is a visiting Biblical scholar at Southern Baptist College in Atlanta. Welcome, Doctor!
Dr. Gene Spaulding: Thank you!
Clara Turley: [ camera pans to a nun ] Sister Penelope Keller works as a missionary in San Salvadore. And, of course, Stan Hooper is back. [ camera pans to punk drinking beer and smoking a cigarette ] Stan is our defending champion, he’s won 47 games in a row. Hello, Stan.
Stan Hooper: Hey, how’s it hanging!
Clara Turley: It’s hard to believe that just a few months ago, Stan was living in our halfway house doing odd jobs around the school. And now, he’s the world-famous authority on the Holy Scripture!
Sister Penelope Keller: Clara, I would like to say that it is anabsolute honor just to be sitting next to Mr. Hooper.
Dr. Gene Spaulding: I feel the same way. Stan Hooper’s an inspiration to us all!
Clara Turley: Praise the Lord! Well, let’s get started! This is a $20 question: “How many years were the Israelites in Egypt?” And the answer is: “430.” Dr. Spaulding, did you know that?
Dr. Gene Spaulding: No, ma’am, I did not.
Clara Turley: Ohh.. that’s too bad. Sister Keller?
Sister Penelope Keller: Uh, no, Clara, I did not.
Clara Turley: Ohhh.. I’m sorry. Stan?
Stan Hooper: [ mouth full of hamburger, he rings a bell in front of him ] Yeah, I knew that! [ is handed $20 ]
Clara Turley: That’s terrific, Stan! You’re off to another great start! Question 2: “Who said, ‘Oh, Earth, Earth, Earth.. hear the word of the Lord.'” And the answer is: “Jeremiah.”[ pause ]
Stan Hooper: [ rings his bell ] Yeah, I knew that! [ is handed$20 more ]
Clara Turley: Oh, Stan, if only there were more peoplelike you! Now, be careful, this is a trick question: “What did God sayto Abraham at the time of the sacrafice?” And the answer is: “Nothing.Because it was the angel who spoke, not the Lord.”
Stan Hooper: [ rings his bell ] Oh, yeah, I knew that one! [ ishanded $20 more ]
Clara Turley: Good!
Sister Penelope Keller: [ suspicious, rings her bell ] Uh.. MissClara, I knew that one, too!
Clara Turley: Oh, my.. well.. let’s see.. Which of you knew itfirst?
Sister Penelope Keller: Well, I knew it as soon as you said”Abraham.”
Stan Hooper: Oh, yeah, yeah! I knew it before that. I knew it when you said.. something about a trick question?
Clara Turley: You know the rules. Stan wins again. Now, let’stake a break and read some letters. [ holds up letter ] “Dear Clara, we just adore Stan Hooper. Tell us more about him. Does he still do odd jobs?”
Stan Hooper: Uh.. no, no. I quit my job. I’m doing this showfull-time now.
Clara Turley: Here’s another one: [ holds up letter ] “Where did Stan Hooper learn so much about the Bible?”
Stan Hooper: Hey, Clara, listen.. can we get back to the game now? Time is money, you know? Praise to God!
Clara Turley: Of course. For $50: “Who is the patron saint ofFrance?” And the answer is: “St. Denis.”
Stan Hooper: [ rings his bell ] Hey, hey, I knew that!
Dr. Gene Spaulding: [ rings his bell ] Excuse me, Clara? I don’t mean to be blasphemous.. but it occurs to me that when Brother Stan says he knows the answer.. well, he might be lying.
Clara Turley: Well.. I.. I don’t know what to say. I.. I suppose it’s possible.. It’s true the forces of darkness are everywhere. But there’s only one way to find out. Stan, are you lying?
Stan Hooper: No!
Clara Turley:I am so relieved! [ Stan is given his $50 ]
Dr. Gene Spaulding: Brother Stan, can you ever forgive me?
Stan Hooper: Oh, yeah, yeah, don’t worry about it. Hey, let’s get on with thie game! How about that Bonus Round?
Clara Turley: Alright! Our Bonus Round. For $100: “How many orders of angels are there?” And the answer is: “Nine.”
Stan Hooper: [ ring bell ] I knew that one!
Clara Turley: Ah, but can you name them, Stan? For $100each?
Stan Hooper: [ [ starts to panic ] Well, let’s see now..
Clara Turley: The answers are “Angels..”
Stan Hooper: [ rings bell ] Yeah, I knew that! [ money startspiling up ]
Clara Turley: “..Archangels..”
Stan Hooper: [ rings bell ] Yeah, that’s right!
Clara Turley: “..Seraphim..”
Stan Hooper: [ rings bell ] Sure, Seraphim..
Clara Turley: “..Cherubims..”
Stan Hooper: [ rings bell ] Yeah, the Cherubims..
Clara Turley: “..Powers..”
Stan Hooper: [ rings bell ] Yeah, the Powers!
Clara Turley: “..Thrones..”
Stan Hooper: [ rings bell ] Yeah!
Clara Turley: “..Virtues..”
Stan Hooper: [ rings bell ] Yeah, I knew that one!
Clara Turley: “..and Dominions.”
Stan Hooper: [ rings bell ] Yes, I knew that, too! I know them all![ the other two contestants applaud Stan’s knowledge ]
Clara Turley: Well, Stan, you are ahead again! No surpise there. So, you get to answer our Bible Challenge of the Week. It’s worth $1,000. Now, we’ve been researching this one all day, and it’s a dilly. Do you think you can handle it?
Stan Hooper: Well, I’m a little nervous..
Clara Turley: Here we go.. [ music rises ] Oh, heavens We’re out of time. Maybe next week, Stan..
Stan Hooper: [ rings his bell ] Hey, hey, hold on there! Excuse me, but I knew the question you were gonna ask.
Clara Turley: You do?
Stan Hooper: Yeah, yeah.. and I know the answer, too. [ turns around and grabs the prize money out of the dish ]
Clara Turley: Well, Saints be praised! You are a remarkable man! Stan, will you come back next week?
Stan Hooper: Yeah, yeah, sure.. I think I can make it.
Clara Turley: Let us pray. Thank you, Lord, for giving us thisopportunity to rejoice in your Word.[ fade to black ]