SNL Transcripts: Quentin Tarantino: 11/11/95: Clara Turley’s Bible Challenge


Saturday Night Live Transcripts

Season 21: Episode 5

95e: Quentin Tarantino / Smashing Pumpkins

Clara Turley’s Bible Challenge

Clara Turley…..Nancy Walls
…..Quentin Tarantino
…..Molly Shannon
Stan Hooper…..Norm MacDonald

Clara Turley: Hello. I’m Clara Turley. Welcome to the “BibleChallenge”, where we meet and rejoice in our knowledge of the Good Book.

Contestants: Praise the Lord!

Let’s meet our contestants. [ camera pans to Southern Baptist ] Dr. Gene Spaulding is a visiting Biblical scholar at Southern Baptist College in Atlanta. Welcome, Doctor!

Dr. Gene Spaulding: Thank you!

Clara Turley: [ camera pans to a nun ] Sister Penelope Keller works as a missionary in San Salvadore. And, of course, Stan Hooper is back. [ camera pans to punk drinking beer and smoking a cigarette ] Stan is our defending champion, he’s won 47 games in a row. Hello, Stan.

Stan Hooper: Hey, how’s it hanging!

Clara Turley: It’s hard to believe that just a few months ago, Stan was living in our halfway house doing odd jobs around the school. And now, he’s the world-famous authority on the Holy Scripture!

Sister Penelope Keller: Clara, I would like to say that it is anabsolute honor just to be sitting next to Mr. Hooper.

Dr. Gene Spaulding: I feel the same way. Stan Hooper’s an inspiration to us all!

Clara Turley: Praise the Lord! Well, let’s get started! This is a $20 question: “How many years were the Israelites in Egypt?” And the answer is: “430.” Dr. Spaulding, did you know that?

Dr. Gene Spaulding: No, ma’am, I did not.

Clara Turley: Ohh.. that’s too bad. Sister Keller?

Sister Penelope Keller: Uh, no, Clara, I did not.

Clara Turley: Ohhh.. I’m sorry. Stan?

Stan Hooper: [ mouth full of hamburger, he rings a bell in front of him ] Yeah, I knew that! [ is handed $20 ]

Clara Turley: That’s terrific, Stan! You’re off to another great start! Question 2: “Who said, ‘Oh, Earth, Earth, Earth.. hear the word of the Lord.'” And the answer is: “Jeremiah.”

[ pause ]

Stan Hooper: [ rings his bell ] Yeah, I knew that! [ is handed$20 more ]

Clara Turley: Oh, Stan, if only there were more peoplelike you! Now, be careful, this is a trick question: “What did God sayto Abraham at the time of the sacrafice?” And the answer is: “Nothing.Because it was the angel who spoke, not the Lord.”

Stan Hooper: [ rings his bell ] Oh, yeah, I knew that one! [ ishanded $20 more ]

Clara Turley: Good!

Sister Penelope Keller: [ suspicious, rings her bell ] Uh.. MissClara, I knew that one, too!

Clara Turley: Oh, my.. well.. let’s see.. Which of you knew itfirst?

Sister Penelope Keller: Well, I knew it as soon as you said”Abraham.”

Stan Hooper: Oh, yeah, yeah! I knew it before that. I knew it when you said.. something about a trick question?

Clara Turley: You know the rules. Stan wins again. Now, let’stake a break and read some letters. [ holds up letter ] “Dear Clara, we just adore Stan Hooper. Tell us more about him. Does he still do odd jobs?”

Stan Hooper: Uh.. no, no. I quit my job. I’m doing this showfull-time now.

Clara Turley: Here’s another one: [ holds up letter ] “Where did Stan Hooper learn so much about the Bible?”

Stan Hooper: Hey, Clara, listen.. can we get back to the game now? Time is money, you know? Praise the God!

Clara Turley: Of course. For $50: “Who is the patron saint ofFrance?” And the answer is: “St. Denis.”

Stan Hooper: [ rings his bell ] Hey, hey, I knew that!

Dr. Gene Spaulding: [ rings his bell ] Excuse me, Clara? I don’t mean to be blasphemous.. but it occurs to me that when Brother Stan says he knows the answer.. well, he might be lying.

Clara Turley: Well.. I.. I don’t know what to say. I.. I suppose it’s possible.. It’s true the forces of darkness are everywhere. But there’s only one way to find out. Stan, are you lying?

Stan Hooper: No!

Clara Turley:I am so relieved! [ Stan is given his $50 ]

Dr. Gene Spaulding: Brother Stan, can you ever forgive me?

Stan Hooper: Oh, yeah, yeah, don’t worry about it. Hey, let’s get on with thie game! How about that Bonus Round?

Clara Turley: Alright! Our Bonus Round. For $100: “How many orders of angels are there?” And the answer is: “Nine.”

Stan Hooper: [ ring bell ] I knew that one!

Clara Turley: Ah, but can you name them, Stan? For $100each?

Stan Hooper: [ [ starts to panic ] Well, let’s see now..

Clara Turley: The answers are “Angels..”

Stan Hooper: [ rings bell ] Yeah, I knew that! [ money startspiling up ]

Clara Turley: “..Archangels..”

Stan Hooper: [ rings bell ] Yeah, that’s right!

Clara Turley: “..Seraphim..”

Stan Hooper: [ rings bell ] Sure, Seraphim..

Clara Turley: “..Cherubims..”

Stan Hooper: [ rings bell ] Yeah, the Cherubims..

Clara Turley: “..Powers..”

Stan Hooper: [ rings bell ] Yeah, the Powers!

Clara Turley: “..Thrones..”

Stan Hooper: [ rings bell ] Yeah!

Clara Turley: “..Virtues..”

Stan Hooper: [ rings bell ] Yeah, I knew that one!

Clara Turley: “..and Dominions.”

Stan Hooper: [ rings bell ] Yes, I knew that, too! I know them all!

[ the other two contestants applaud Stan’s knowledge ]

Clara Turley: Well, Stan, you are ahead again! No surpise there. So, you get to answer our Bible Challenge of the Week. It’s worth $1,000. Now, we’ve been researching this one all day, and it’s a dilly. Do you think you can handle it?

Stan Hooper: Well, I’m a little nervous..

Clara Turley: Here we go.. [ music rises ] Oh, heavens We’re out of time. Maybe next week, Stan..

Stan Hooper: [ rings his bell ] Hey, hey, hold on there! Excuse me, but I knew the question you were gonna ask.

Clara Turley: You do?

Stan Hooper: Yeah, yeah.. and I know the answer, too. [ turns around and grabs the prize money out of the dish ]

Clara Turley: Well, Saints be praised! You are a remarkable man! Stan, will you come back next week?

Stan Hooper: Yeah, yeah, sure.. I think I can make it.

Clara Turley: Let us pray. Thank you, Lord, for giving us thisopportunity to rejoice in your Word.

[ fade to black ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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