Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 21: Episode 5
Directors on Directing
Spike Lee…..Tim Meadows
Oliver Stone…..David Koechner
Gus Van Sant…..Mark McKinney
Quentin Tarantino: Hello. I’m Quentin Tarantino, and welcome to “Directors On Directing”. Every week we try to take one aspect of the director’s art/craft, and put it under the microscope. Tonight’s subject: The relationship between the director and his actresses. Tonight’s guests include to my left, director of “Do The Right Thing” and “Malcom X”, Spike Lee. [ Applause ] And to my right, Academy Award winning director of “Platoon”, “JFK”, and my script “Natural Born Killers”, Oliver Stone. [ Applause ] And to his right, director of “Drugstore Cowboy” and “My Own Private Idaho”, Gus Van Sant. [ Applause ] So gentlemen, let’s get started, alright? Now the relationship between a director and his actress can be the most intimate relationship a man and a woman can share. When a director and an actress click, only a husband and wife, or a father and a daughter, share the same level of intimacy, closeness and, above all, trust. Now for us directors, the relationship is very simple: Actresses are some of the most beautiful women in the world and directors are, by and large, the most butt-ugly, motley group of geeks found this side of a Star Trek convention. Now, if I had a nickel for every director in Hollywood who any woman would give a second glance to if they weren’t a director, I couldn’t buy my way into a pay toilet. Now, take me for example, alright? Compared to the ugliest guy on Melrose Place, I look like a mutt with a mange. But you compare me to another director, I’m Ethan Hawke. Now Spike, a few years ago during the Academy Awards, Kim Bassinger stopped the show in mid-ceremony to declare her admiration for you and your film “Do The Right Thing”. Then about a week or so later, you had lunch with her. So now Spike did you jam her?
Spike Lee: I don’t know what the hell you’re talking about, Q, you know I only date black women.
Quentin Tarantino: I didn’t ask if you’d marry her, I asked did you jam her.
Spike Lee: Hey man, I’m married.
Quentin Tarantino: [ laughs ] Yeah, and the LAPD practices reasonable restraint. Spike, you’re a horny bastard. I know it, you know it, and so does everybody else.
Spike Lee: What the hell are you talking about, man? You don’t know me!
Quentin Tarantino: Everybody here who didn’t shoot an extreme close-up of their lips sucking on Rosie Perez’s breast, raise your hand, alright?[ Tarantino, Oliver and Gus all raise their hands ]
Quentin Tarantino: I think I rest my case. We’re moving on! Alright, Oliver, you’re very much involved with the Asian community in America. You produced the “Joy Luck Club”, you directed “Heaven And Earth” and you constantly have dinners and functions for the Asian community. But Oliver, let’s call a spade a spade. [waves off Spike ] All your work with the Asian community, you do all this crap just to meet Asian babes, right?
Oliver Stone: Quentin, you know I care very deeply about the Asian community.
Quentin Tarantino: No, you care very deeply for your rolodex, Buddy. And if I had a dime for every Wong and Chu in it, I could start my own studio!
Oliver Stone: Well I resent your implications!
Quentin Tarantino: Well let’s talk about “Heaven and Earth”, Buddy. You take some Vietnamese little honey whose only prior acting experience was third girl from the left in a Godzilla movie, you give her the lead role in a fifty million dollar epic. Now if you can convince me you didn’t pat her Tai, I’ll convince you Oswald acted alone.
Oliver Stone: Now hold on just a minute!
Quentin Tarantino: We’re moving on, moving on! Gus. “My Own Private Idaho”. Keanu Reeves. Was the purple prose of your dialogue the only thing Keanu had problems with his tounge getting around?
Gus van Sant: [ stutters ] Uhh, Quentin, Keanu is not gay.
Quentin Tarantino: Yeah but you are, Buddy.
Gus van Sant: Yeah, but I thought we were talking about directors and actors…
Quentin Tarantino: Well you know what? I just changed the subject! Tonight’s issue is the relationship between a director and young, male husslers. What do you think about that, huh? I got one word for you, Buddy, Pasolini!
Spike Lee: Hey, what about you and Uma?
Gus van Sant: Yeah!
Quentin Tarantino: Uma Thurman?
Oliver Stone: What Uma do you think we’re talking about? Did you jam her? Did you jam her?!
Quentin Tarantino: Now, okay, gentlemen, why would I want to jam Uma Thurman? I mean back when I was working in a video store for five years! Making minimum wage! Thirty pounds overweight! Riding the bus in LA! Living with my mom! Girls like Uma were just crazy about me! Did I jam Uma…I jammed every chick on that set! And if you guys ever cast me in one of your movies, I’ll jam every chick on your set! What do you think about that?! And…uhh…on that note, I’m afraid that’s all the time we have for today. I’d like to thank all of my guests and be join us next week when my guests will be independent filmmakers Rick Linkletter, Kevin Smith, and Hal Harley. Our subject: A year on the film festival circuit, or, How I spent a year jamming foreign chicks! Good night and cut!
Submitted by: Adam