SNL Transcripts: Laura Leighton: 11/18/95: The Fortune Teller


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 21: Episode 6

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95f: Laura Leighton / Rancid

The Fortune Teller

Madam Sophia…..Laura Leighton
Stan Hopper…..Norm Macdonald
Beverly…..Nancy Walls

(Opens with a shot of Madam Sophia’s Tarot CardsReadings shop. Signs advertise Psychic and ReaderAdvisor. Cut to inside of the shop)

Stan: Hello. Anybody here? Hello. Anybodyaround? (Madam Sophia emerges from one door)

Madam Sophia: Hello. I’m Madam Sophia.

Stan: Hey, cool. I got this card for my birthday. Itsays I’m entitled to one free reading. I don’t believemuch in that stuff. But what the heck?

Madam Sophia: Yes. Have a seat.

Stan: OK, thanks fortune lady.

(They both sit down in front of a table with a crystalball in front of them. She gives the tarot cards toStan)

Madam Sophia: Cut the cards.

Stan: All right. There you go.

(Madam flips cards in front of Stan)

Madam Sophia: Now I’m gonna tell you about your past, yourpresent and your future.

Stan: OK, if it’s free tell away. Tarot cards, huh?Cool. Fortune stuff.

Madam Sophia: I see that you have a very large family.

Stan: Yes, yes large family, that’s true.

Madam Sophia: You have 7 brothers and sisters.

Stan: Hey, hey! That’s right!

Madam Sophia: Yes, but you were especially close to yoursister.

Stan: Wow! Yes, I am! That’s cool!

Madam Sophia: Your sister misses you and all her otherbrothers. John–

Stan: Uh, huh.

Madam Sophia: Ben, Michael you’re Stan–

Stan: Yeah.

Madam Sophia: Richard and Phil.

Stan: Good Lord! That’s incredible!

Madam Sophia: You were all so happy back in Ohio.

Stan: Yeah, we were. Yeah.

Madam Sophia: Back in your hometown—

Stan: Oh, yeah, man we loved that place.

Madam Sophia: Your hometown of Dayton, Ohio.

Stan: No!

Madam Sophia: It’s not Dayton?

Stan: No! it’s Cincinnati. It’s not even near Dayton!Jeez!!

Madam Sophia: Well, lets move on. (Hand gestures over crystalball)

Stan: Dayton! Dayton! (Jerks thumb at the Madam)

Madam Sophia: You miss your sister.

Stan: Yeah, yeah I miss her, yeah. Hey! you know whatelse I miss? Dayton! Oh, yeah good old Dayton! I’llnever forget that place.

Madam Sophia: Your sister hasn’t told you something. It is afamily secret. It concerns a man named Jerry Hoster.

Stan: Jerry Hoster. Yeah, yeah. He was a handyman whoworked in our farm in Cincinnati – or as you may knowit, Dayton!

Madam Sophia: This Jerry. He was a very bad man.

Stan: Ohh, he’s the baddest man in Dayton!

Madam Sophia: The secret involves your mother. She reached aviolent end…with a hatchet.

Stan: Yeah, she was murdered with a hatchet, if thatwhat you’re referring to.

Madam Sophia: They never solved the murder. They never foundher killer.

Stan: Yeah, there were no witnesses. Yeah, themDayton police just couldn’t figure it out. (Jerk thumbsagain and grins at her)

Madam Sophia: Wait! There was one witness. Your sister!

Stan: My sister? My sister saw the murder?

Madam Sophia: That’s why she’s troubled! She repressed thememory of who killed your mother.

Stan: Really?, who did it, who did it!

Madam Sophia: It was….I can’t see it….I can’t.

Stan: Who was it? Who was it?

Madam Sophia: Only your mother knows. I can summon her spiritif you like.

Stan: Yeah, yeah summon her spirit.

(Madam Sophia closes her eyes and chants)

Madam Sophia: Beverly! Come to us! Beverly your son needsyou! Beverly come to us!

(Beverly’s head floats upon Stan’s and the Madam’sheads)

Beverly: Stanley!

Stan: Mom! Is that you?

Beverly: Stanley, I can hear you!

Stan: Oh, my God! Mom! I miss you, mom!

Beverly: I miss you too Stanley.

Stan: Mom, did we ever live in Dayton?

Beverly: No.

Stan: You ever been to Dayton?

Beverly: No.

Stan: Did you ever consider living in Dayton?

Beverly: No.

Stan: OK, mom so just for the record, I want to beabsolutely clear here…is any of our family evenremotely connected to the city of Dayton?

Beverly: No, but son I love you.

Stan: OK, thank you. Thanks a lot.

(Mother’s image disappears)

Madam Sophia: Ask her about the murder. She’s leaving!

Stan: Yeah, well she’s probably on her way up toDayton. Don’t worry about it. Hey, look lady this hasbeen a lot of fun, you know but I got to get going.Good birthday present. Been a hoot.

Madam Sophia: No, wait! I see who killed your mother. It wasthe handyman.

Stan: What? Jerry?

Madam Sophia: Yes, and he’s nearby. If you leave this roomyou’ll be killed exactly like your mother was…with ahatchet!

Stan: Oh, yeah, well I better be careful. OK, bye-byefortune lady.

(Gets up and leaves)

Madam Sophia: No, wait…no!

Stan: OK, bye-bye. Take care.

(Madam Sophia gets up and looks from her door at Stanand screams)

Madam Sophia: Aaaahhh!!!!

(Stan comes back in impaled by a spear, the pointsticks out of his belly)

Stan: Well, well, well…..looky here! Yep, somebody threw a hatchet at me, all right. Yeah, that’s a hatchet. You know how I can tell? By it’s giant spear-like shape! Yeah, no doubt about it! Hey!,I’ll tell you what, maybe I’ll go now, I gotta get back to Dayton, maybe I’ll chop down a tree with my shiny new hatchet! (Waves the spear around with his body) Huh?Dayton, Dayton. Good Lord!

(Leaves, Madam Sophia is left horrified)

(Cheers and applause)

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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2 years ago

Can’t find this skit anywhere. It doesn’t exist!

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