Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 21: Episode 6
Leering Midget…..Will Ferrell
Leading Midget…..Mark McKinney
Smart-Ass Midget…..David Spade
Smoking Midget…..Norm MacDonald
Topless Midget…..Fred Wolf
[ open on video footage of clouds rolling, a close-up of a man’s clip whispering “Cydney”, a perfume bottle marked “Cydney” smashing to the floor, various quick clips ]
[ cut to Sydney of “Melrose Place” swaying back and forth in a black-and-white commercial surrounded by a group of tuxedo-clad midgets, the one closest to her leering up her dress ]
Sydney: Cut! Cut! Sebastian!
[ cameras stop rolling ]
Sebastian: [ rushes in ] Sydney, what’s going on? It was going great.
Sydney: Sebastian, that.. midget was leering at me. I’m trying to sell perfume, and that midget over there thinks there’s an all-you-can-look buffet up my skirt!
[ Sebastian smacks the Leering Midget on the head ]
Leering Midget: Yeah.. I’m sorry. I’ve hit sort of a dry patch on the dating circuit, uh.. I’ll.. I’ll knock it off. But you know, we actually prefer “little person” over “midget”.. if you don’t mind?
Sydney: Oh, my god! The midget can talk! Which one are you – Sleepy? Grumpy? Or, I don’t recall – was there a Talking-Too-Muchy?
Sebastian: [ snickers gayly ] Syndney: 1; Munchkin: 0. There’s no contest!
Leading Midget: Yeah, by the way, my colleague said we prefer “little person” over “midget”.. and by the way, “Munchkin” doesn’t really blow our skirts up, either. Okay? Oh, well. Alright, let’s pick it up from Sydney’s entrance, okay, people? And.. action!
[ cut back to opening video cloud footage – dissolve into black-and-white taping of Sydney swaying with the midgets, Sebastian still standing in the scene ]
Sebastian: Cut! Stop tape!
Sydney: [ angry ] Oh, come on! What now?!
[ cameras stop rolling ]
Sebastian: [ to Leading Midget ] Say, uh.. I was wondering – aren’t you a midget?
Leading Midget: Well.. we refer to ourselves as “little people”.. but.. yes, I am.
Sebastian: Right, right.. you’re a midget, and I’m a director! Don’t you ever yell “Action!” again!
Smart-Ass Midget: [ mimicking Sebastian ] “Oh, look at me! I’m Joe Director! Listen to what I say – I’m smart! And I’m over 4-feet tall! Listen up!”
Sydney: [ notices one of the midgets smoking ] Excuse me? Um.. hello? Over there. There’s no smoking! And if you think I’m not going to ask you to put that cigarette out just because you’re a midget, youre terribly mistaken!
Smoking Midget: Alright, alright.. here.. [ stuffs his cigarette under his shoe and presses down to put it out ] And, also, lady, am I crazy, or did you hear about a hundred times that we don’t like to be called “midgets”?
Sydney: [ sighs ] Oh. Sebastian, they are so gross! Why can’t they all be like that midget who sells Lucky Charms? He seems fun.
Sebastian: [ laughs gayly ] Sydney, I love the Lucky Charms – they’re magically delicious! Oh well, let’s call them “little people”, since that’s what they prefer.
Smoking Midget: Yeah, yeah. Hey! Just like you prefer”confirmed bachelor” over.. uh.. “giant fruit”!
Sydney: I didn’t hear that! Okay, people, from the top.”Sydney: Perfume Commercial” on three.. and.. Action!
[ cut back to opening video cloud footage – dissolve into black-and-white taping of Sydney swaying with the midgets, one of whom is now topless ]
Sydney: [ yells at midget, camera stops rolling ] Midget! [ he keeps dancing ] Hey, hey, hey! Heeeeyyyy!! Why do you have your shirt off!
Topless Midget: [ stops dancing ] Because I figure this commercial’s all about sex, and being sexy! I’m sexy, you’re sexy – didn’t you get the memo? Sex sells!
Sydney: Oh, you’re sexy? I’d rather rub up against a bag of golf clubs! You are not sexy at all!
Topless Midget: [ gasping ] Oh, you are so wrong, Lady!
Sydney: [ notices Smart-Ass Midget casually reading the newspaper ] Excuse me? Midget? Um.. are we boring you? Okay, we’ll have a conversation: “Midget, how’s the weather down there?”
Topless Midget: Hmm.. it’s okay. Hey, how’s the weather up there? Uh.. apparently, it’s partly bitchy! [ holds his hand up for the Leering Midget ] Yeahhh, low five!
[ the other midgets start to laugh and lake fun of Sydney ]
Sydney: Sebastian! Sebastian! I hate this commercial! They spelled my name wrong on the botle – it’s “Sydney” with an “S”! I just want to go back to “Melrose Place”! There’s no place like home.. there’s no place like home.. there’s no place like home..
[ zoom in on Sydney’s face, dissolve into Sydney floating in a dream-like sequence, then dissolve into Sydney waking in her bed surrounded by the fantastic-looking guys of “Melrose Place”. ]
Sydney: [ groggy ] ..there’s no place like home.. there’s no place like home..
Jake: Sydney, wake up. It’s okay. There was a tornado, andyou hit your head.
Sydney: [ waking up ] Oh, my God! You mean it was all just a dream? Oh, you wouldn’t believe where I was! There were all these.. weird little people, and monsters.. Oh, I’m so glad to be back here in Melrose Place, where everybody is so fantastic-looking! [ camera zooms out to reveal the Topless Midget standing next to Sydney’s bed ] Oh, God! Except you! Beat it, Freak!
[ the Melrose Place boys push the Topless Midget away and laugh at him ]
[ fade to black ]