SNL Transcripts: Laura Leighton: 11/18/95: Laura Leighton’s Monologue



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 6




95f: Laura Leighton / Rancid

Laura Leighton’s Monologue

…..Laura Leighton
Lucien…..Mark McKinney
Fagan…..David Koechner

Laura Leighton: Well! Here I am hosting “Saturday Night Live”! Let me tell you, this is quite a thrill. And, to think, three years ago I was having a hard time keeping a job as a waitress; I was driving a car iwthout air conditioning around L.A.; and men found me unattractive. [ laughs ] But, then along came a little show called “Melrose Place”.

Lucien & Fagan: [ throwing roses to Laura’s feet as the audience cheers her program [ Bravo! Bravo! Yes! Bravo!

Laura Leighton: Um.. thank you! Anyway, um.. I play a character on “Melrose Place” called Sydney.
Fagan: Sydney!

Lucien: Yes!

Fagan: Sydney!

Lucien: Yes!

Fagan: Oh!

Lucien: Delicious!

Laura Leighton: Thank you. Anyway, my character, Sydney..
Fagan: Excuse me, yes, yes? We’re your biggest fans. Did you recieve our gifts? Er?

[ Lucien and Fagan approach the stage ]

Laura Leighton: Um.. what are you talking about?

Fagan: Er, er.. Lucien and myself, er, Fagan, yes. We sent you a sweater and a cake.

Lucien: A pumpkin cake!

Fagan: Tell us, did they arrive in good order?

Laura Leighton: Oh-h-h.. that was you two. Oh. Well, yes. I loved the sweater, and the cake was delicious!

Lucien: It was a pumpkin cake!

Fagan: Er, pumpkin. Er-her! [ they bow in front of her ]

Laura Leighton: Pumpkin. Right. Um.. you’re very nice.

[ Lucien and Fagan are titilated by her statement ]

Lucien: Oh, forgive me, Miss Leighton. But standing on the same stage with the thespian who plays the evil Sydney on “Melrose Place” fills me with such thrilling electricity, that I feel like a weasel on a hotplate!

Fagan: Er, second it! Er-her! [ they bow ]

Laura Leighton: Well, thank you.. I think.

Fagan: Er, may I say, uh.. of all the characters on “Melrose Place”, yours stands out like a beacon! Ooh! Yes! Illuminating! Yes! The tempting evil that titilates us to the very fleshiest parts of our bodies! Er-her-hoo! [ they bow ]

Laura Leighton: Uh.. thanks. That’s a little more information than I think I needed.

Fagan: Er-her-her! Yes. May I confess a few of my favorite plot twists? Yes? Sydney the stripper!

Lucien: Oh, delicious!

Fagan: Sydney the prostitute!

Lucien: Delightful!

Fagan: Sydney the blackmailer!

Lucien: Oh, the perfect viper!

Fagan: Sydney the astronaut!

Lucien: Blast off!

Laura Leighton: Astronaut? I haven’t played an astronaut.

Lucien: It’s an idea we have!

Laura Leighton: Ohhh..

Fagan: Perhaps we can speak of that later, yes? Er-her-her..

Lucien: [ holding encanvassed object ] In that you have made every Monday night at eight o’clock a treaure of titilation for us, we offer you this gift.

Fagan: And we reaffirm our pledge to be their every episode watchingyou, praising you, and, as depicted in this photo.. [ unveils photo ]

Laura Leighton: [ grimacing ] Oh, my God! This is how you watch my show?

Lucien: Oh, yes! Bare-assed naked!

Fagan: Yes, it adds a certain spice to the occasion.

Laura Leighton: Yes. Well.. thank you. [ bows to them ]

Fagan: Oh! Oh-oh-er.. [ they bow right back ]

Laura Leighton: Okay, I’ll keep that in mind. Well, we’ve got a great show for you tonight. Rancid is here. Feel free to watch it bare-assed naked! Stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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