Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 21: Episode 6
Miss Keller…..Laura Leighton
Mr. Kaufman…..Mark McKinney
[ FADE IN: ]
[ INT. FIDELITY MUTUAL — DAY ]
[ Company executive MISS KELLER is seated at her desk. Her client, MR. KAUFMAN, is across from her. ]
Miss Keller: Mr. Kaufman, I want to thank you for banking with Fidelity Mutual. Now, what Im going to do is take you step-by-step through the investment process.
Mr. Kaufman: Oh, great! Sounds like fun.
[ Enter TOMMY. ]
Miss Keller: Oh, excuse me.
Tommy: Hi, Miss Keller.
Miss Keller: Hi, Tommy. Listen, Tommy — did you get around to mailing that package to the Dunlap firm this morning?
[ Tommy pounds a closed fist against his forehead a couple of times. ]
Tommy: Oh, dammit, dammit, DAMMIT! What is wrong with me?
Miss Keller: As long as its out by the end of the day, everything will be fine!
[ Tommy pounds his closed fist against his forehead one more time. Mr. Kaufman squirms in his chair. ]
Tommy: Oh, Im so sorry. Im such an idiot.
[ Tommy departs. ]
Miss Keller: Dont worry about him; hes really a sweet kid. So, did you get a chance to look over the paperwork?
Mr. Kaufman: Yeah, I did. But, my lawyer said that there was a document missing from the fax you sent us?
Miss Keller: Okay, um
[ Miss Keller presses the intercom button on her phone. ]
Miss Keller: Tommy? Can I see you in here again for a second?
[ Tommy briskly enters. ]
Miss Keller: Tommy, thanks for faxing off the document this morning. But I need you to do it again.
Tommy: Okay, sure!
Miss Keller: Okay. But this time, make sure all the pages go through, because they didnt get them all this morning.
Mr. Kaufman: Yeah, we were missing the A1-P2 form.
[ Tommy starts breathing in a labored manner. ]
[ Tommy grabs the back of his hair and begins slamming his head against Miss Kellers adjacent filing cabinets. ]
Tommy: Always wrong! Always wrong! Always wrong! WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!!!
Miss Keller: Tommy, stop it!
Tommy: CANT I GET ANYTHING RIGHT!?!?
[ Tommy picks up Miss Kellers desk lamp and smashes it into his skull. Miss Keller gets out of her chair. ]
Miss Keller: Control yourself, Tommy! Now, listen to me: there is no reason carrying on like this!
Tommy: I know, I know, I know
[ Tommy pounds his closed fists against his forehead at an accelerated rate. ]
Tommy: Theres just no reason for STUPIDITY!
[ Mr. Kaufman is frozen in his chair. ]
Miss Keller: Tommy, you really need to get a hold of yourself. Youre scaring the client.
Tommy: Oh, am I scaring you!?
[ Mr. Kaufman nods his head in fear. ]
Tommy: Oh, I shouldnt be scaring him!!!
[ Tommy slams his head several times on Miss Kellers desk. Both the jaws of Miss Keller and Mr. Kaufman are on the floor. ]
Tommy: Its just ALL WRONG!!!
[ Tommy is out of breath. ]
Miss Keller: Maybe you should take a little time off.
Tommy: Oh, no, no, no — I know what youre trying to say. You wanna fire me but you just dont have the heart to!
Miss Keller: Oh no, no! Im just saying–
Tommy: Hit me! HIT ME! CMON!!! HIT ME!!!
[ Mr. Kaufman unbuttons his shirts sleeves and rolls them up. ]
Mr. Kaufman: Alright — Ill hit him!
Miss Keller: Mr. Kaufman, please!
Tommy: Oh, no — ILL DO IT MYSELF!
[ Tommy throws one brutal punch after another onto himself. ]
Tommy: Well, if I had done things right, I wouldnt have to do this to you myself!
[ Tommy grabs his bangs and subdues himself against Miss Kellers filing cabinet. Finally, he stops. ]
Miss Keller: Tommy? Stop hitting yourself.
[ Miss Keller gives a slight scream as Tommy starts to position his fists against himself, but he lowers them. ]
Miss Keller: Tommy, can we talk about this later? But for now, can you just leave? Please?
Tommy: Okay. Im sorry, Im sorry. Im leaving.
[ Tommy makes his way to the door. Yet, his right hand goes behind him and grabs his shirt collar. ]
Tommy: Oh, no you dont — that doors for people that get things right! YOU ARE GOING THIS WAY!!!
[ Tommy races towards and lunges himself at Miss Kellers closed window. Glass shatters everywhere. His screams become more and more faint OFF-SCREEN. ]
Tommy: Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!
[ SOUND of a SPLATTERED BODY hitting a parked vehicle. CAR ALARM goes OFF. ]
Miss Keller: Well, Mr. Kaufman, where were we?
Mr. Kaufman: Well, we were —
[ Cheers and applause. ]
[ FADE OUT ]
Submitted by: Cody Downs