SNL Transcripts: Laura Leighton: 11/18/95: Self-Punishment



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 6






95f: Laura Leighton / Rancid

Self-Punishment

Tommy…..Jim Breuer
Miss Keller…..Laura Leighton
Mr. Kaufman…..Mark McKinney

[ FADE IN: ] [ INT. FIDELITY MUTUAL — DAY ] [ Company executive MISS KELLER is seated at her desk. Her client, MR. KAUFMAN, is across from her. ]

Miss Keller: Mr. Kaufman, I want to thank you for banking with Fidelity Mutual. Now, what I’m going to do is take you step-by-step through the investment process.

Mr. Kaufman: Oh, great! Sounds like fun.

[ Enter TOMMY. ]

Miss Keller: Oh, excuse me.

Tommy: Hi, Miss Keller.

Miss Keller: Hi, Tommy. Listen, Tommy — did you get around to mailing that package to the Dunlap firm this morning?

[ Tommy pounds a closed fist against his forehead a couple of times. ]

Tommy: Oh, dammit, dammit, DAMMIT! What is wrong with me?

Miss Keller: As long as it’s out by the end of the day, everything will be fine!

[ Tommy pounds his closed fist against his forehead one more time. Mr. Kaufman squirms in his chair. ]

Tommy: Oh, I’m so sorry. I’m such an idiot.

[ Tommy departs. ]

Miss Keller: Don’t worry about him; he’s really a sweet kid. So, did you get a chance to look over the paperwork?

Mr. Kaufman: Yeah, I did. But, my lawyer said that there was a document missing from the fax you sent us?

Miss Keller: Okay, um

[ Miss Keller presses the intercom button on her phone. ]

Miss Keller: Tommy? Can I see you in here again for a second?

[ Tommy briskly enters. ]

Tommy: Yeah?

Miss Keller: Tommy, thanks for faxing off the document this morning. But I need you to do it again.

Tommy: Okay, sure!

Miss Keller: Okay. But this time, make sure all the pages go through, because they didn’t get them all this morning.

Mr. Kaufman: Yeah, we were missing the A1-P2 form.

[ Tommy starts breathing in a labored manner. ]

Tommy: Oh!

[ Tommy grabs the back of his hair and begins slamming his head against Miss Keller’s adjacent filing cabinets. ]

Tommy: Always wrong! Always wrong! Always wrong! WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!!!

Miss Keller: Tommy, stop it!

Tommy: CAN’T I GET ANYTHING RIGHT!?!?

[ Tommy picks up Miss Keller’s desk lamp and smashes it into his skull. Miss Keller gets out of her chair. ]

Miss Keller: Control yourself, Tommy! Now, listen to me: there is no reason carrying on like this!

Tommy: I know, I know, I know

[ Tommy pounds his closed fists against his forehead at an accelerated rate. ]

Tommy: There’s just no reason for STUPIDITY!

[ Mr. Kaufman is frozen in his chair. ]

Miss Keller: Tommy, you really need to get a hold of yourself. You’re scaring the client.

Tommy: Oh, am I scaring you!?

[ Mr. Kaufman nods his head in fear. ]

Tommy: Oh, I shouldn’t be scaring him!!!

[ Tommy slams his head several times on Miss Keller’s desk. Both the jaws of Miss Keller and Mr. Kaufman are on the floor. ]

Tommy: It’s just ALL WRONG!!!

[ Tommy is out of breath. ]

Miss Keller: Maybe you should take a little time off.

Tommy: Oh, no, no, no — I know what you’re trying to say. You wanna fire me but you just don’t have the heart to!

Miss Keller: Oh no, no! I’m just saying–

Tommy: Hit me! HIT ME! C’MON!!! HIT ME!!!

[ Mr. Kaufman unbuttons his shirts sleeves and rolls them up. ]

Mr. Kaufman: Alright — I’ll hit him!

Miss Keller: Mr. Kaufman, please!

Tommy: Oh, no — I’LL DO IT MYSELF!

[ Tommy throws one brutal punch after another onto himself. ]

Tommy: Well, if I had done things right, I wouldn’t have to do this to you myself!

[ Tommy grabs his bangs and subdues himself against Miss Keller’s filing cabinet. Finally, he stops. ]

Miss Keller: Tommy? Stop hitting yourself.

[ Miss Keller gives a slight scream as Tommy starts to position his fists against himself, but he lowers them. ]

Miss Keller: Tommy, can we talk about this later? But for now, can you just leave? Please?

Tommy: Okay. I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I’m leaving.

[ Tommy makes his way to the door. Yet, his right hand goes behind him and grabs his shirt collar. ]

Tommy: Oh, no you don’t — that door’s for people that get things right! YOU ARE GOING THIS WAY!!!

[ Tommy races towards and lunges himself at Miss Keller’s closed window. Glass shatters everywhere. His screams become more and more faint OFF-SCREEN. ]

Tommy: Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!

[ SOUND of a SPLATTERED BODY hitting a parked vehicle. CAR ALARM goes OFF. ]

Miss Keller: Well, Mr. Kaufman, where were we?

Mr. Kaufman: Well, we were —

[ Cheers and applause. ] [ FADE OUT ]

Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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