SNL Transcripts: Laura Leighton: 11/18/95: Self-Punishment

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 21: Episode 6

95f: Laura Leighton / Rancid


Tommy…..Jim Breuer
Miss Keller…..Laura Leighton
Mr. Kaufman…..Mark McKinney

[ FADE IN: ] [ INT. FIDELITY MUTUAL — DAY ] [ Company executive MISS KELLER is seated at her desk. Her client, MR. KAUFMAN, is across from her. ]

Miss Keller: Mr. Kaufman, I want to thank you for banking with Fidelity Mutual. Now, what I’m going to do is take you step-by-step through the investment process.

Mr. Kaufman: Oh, great! Sounds like fun.

[ Enter TOMMY. ]

Miss Keller: Oh, excuse me.

Tommy: Hi, Miss Keller.

Miss Keller: Hi, Tommy. Listen, Tommy — did you get around to mailing that package to the Dunlap firm this morning?

[ Tommy pounds a closed fist against his forehead a couple of times. ]

Tommy: Oh, dammit, dammit, DAMMIT! What is wrong with me?

Miss Keller: As long as it’s out by the end of the day, everything will be fine!

[ Tommy pounds his closed fist against his forehead one more time. Mr. Kaufman squirms in his chair. ]

Tommy: Oh, I’m so sorry. I’m such an idiot.

[ Tommy departs. ]

Miss Keller: Don’t worry about him; he’s really a sweet kid. So, did you get a chance to look over the paperwork?

Mr. Kaufman: Yeah, I did. But, my lawyer said that there was a document missing from the fax you sent us?

Miss Keller: Okay, um

[ Miss Keller presses the intercom button on her phone. ]

Miss Keller: Tommy? Can I see you in here again for a second?

[ Tommy briskly enters. ]

Tommy: Yeah?

Miss Keller: Tommy, thanks for faxing off the document this morning. But I need you to do it again.

Tommy: Okay, sure!

Miss Keller: Okay. But this time, make sure all the pages go through, because they didn’t get them all this morning.

Mr. Kaufman: Yeah, we were missing the A1-P2 form.

[ Tommy starts breathing in a labored manner. ]

Tommy: Oh!

[ Tommy grabs the back of his hair and begins slamming his head against Miss Keller’s adjacent filing cabinets. ]

Tommy: Always wrong! Always wrong! Always wrong! WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!!!

Miss Keller: Tommy, stop it!


[ Tommy picks up Miss Keller’s desk lamp and smashes it into his skull. Miss Keller gets out of her chair. ]

Miss Keller: Control yourself, Tommy! Now, listen to me: there is no reason carrying on like this!

Tommy: I know, I know, I know

[ Tommy pounds his closed fists against his forehead at an accelerated rate. ]

Tommy: There’s just no reason for STUPIDITY!

[ Mr. Kaufman is frozen in his chair. ]

Miss Keller: Tommy, you really need to get a hold of yourself. You’re scaring the client.

Tommy: Oh, am I scaring you!?

[ Mr. Kaufman nods his head in fear. ]

Tommy: Oh, I shouldn’t be scaring him!!!

[ Tommy slams his head several times on Miss Keller’s desk. Both the jaws of Miss Keller and Mr. Kaufman are on the floor. ]

Tommy: It’s just ALL WRONG!!!

[ Tommy is out of breath. ]

Miss Keller: Maybe you should take a little time off.

Tommy: Oh, no, no, no — I know what you’re trying to say. You wanna fire me but you just don’t have the heart to!

Miss Keller: Oh no, no! I’m just saying–

Tommy: Hit me! HIT ME! C’MON!!! HIT ME!!!

[ Mr. Kaufman unbuttons his shirts sleeves and rolls them up. ]

Mr. Kaufman: Alright — I’ll hit him!

Miss Keller: Mr. Kaufman, please!

Tommy: Oh, no — I’LL DO IT MYSELF!

[ Tommy throws one brutal punch after another onto himself. ]

Tommy: Well, if I had done things right, I wouldn’t have to do this to you myself!

[ Tommy grabs his bangs and subdues himself against Miss Keller’s filing cabinet. Finally, he stops. ]

Miss Keller: Tommy? Stop hitting yourself.

[ Miss Keller gives a slight scream as Tommy starts to position his fists against himself, but he lowers them. ]

Miss Keller: Tommy, can we talk about this later? But for now, can you just leave? Please?

Tommy: Okay. I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I’m leaving.

[ Tommy makes his way to the door. Yet, his right hand goes behind him and grabs his shirt collar. ]

Tommy: Oh, no you don’t — that door’s for people that get things right! YOU ARE GOING THIS WAY!!!

[ Tommy races towards and lunges himself at Miss Keller’s closed window. Glass shatters everywhere. His screams become more and more faint OFF-SCREEN. ]

Tommy: Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!

[ SOUND of a SPLATTERED BODY hitting a parked vehicle. CAR ALARM goes OFF. ]

Miss Keller: Well, Mr. Kaufman, where were we?

Mr. Kaufman: Well, we were —

[ Cheers and applause. ] [ FADE OUT ]

Submitted by: Cody Downs

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