Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 21: Episode 6
Spade In America
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, “Spade In America” with David Spade.
David Spade: Thank you, and good evening. Well, as you know, this is a big week for movies. A lot of big ones coming out, but one of the more interesting ones is “The Crossing Guard”, starring Jack Nicholson, Angelica Houston, directed by Sean Penn. So for my segment this week, I wanted to talk with Sean about that and other things.. and he said he would, under one condition: he has to give me a tattoo.[ cut to Spade at the tattoo parlor with Sean ]
Sean Penn: What’s the one thing you, and me, and Mickey Rourke have in common?
David Spade: We’re all cool?
Sean Penn: Tattoos.
David Spade: I don’t have a tattoo..[ Sean’s eye glaze over mischieviously ] [ cut to the tattoo artist showing Spade around the shop ]
Tattoo Artist: You can pick from any of these tattoo designs on this wall here.
David Spade: [ looking around ] Okay.. [ points to tattoo design of a wooden cross ] “In Loving Memory. Mom.” Aww.. I killed her![ cut to Sean etching the tattoo on Spade’s arm ]
David Spade: I’m gonna ask you some questions I thought of..
Sean Penn: Uh-huh..
David Spade: ..you just ask them as honestly and as candidly as you can.. [ hears the needle on his arm ] Did I just get hit with lightning? Oh, my God.. you’re hurting me..
Sean Penn: Yeah.. that’s what I came here for.[ cut to Spade looking at the tattoo designs on the wall ]
David Spade: [ points to a blue demon ] This one kind of screams out.. “I’m a simple man.. I need a down-to-earth girl.. that I can kill![ cut back to Spade with Sean ]
David Spade: How many tattoos do you have, Sean?
Sean Penn: Me? I have about five.
David Spade: Five? Do you have one on your bikini line? [ grins ] Prove it.[ cut to Spade looking at more tattoos ]
David Spade: [ points to a jet ] “Boss, de plane!” Get it? Tattoo![ cut to Spade with Sean ]
David Spade: Have you noticed that all these tattoos in here have one common theme? Satan![ Spade points to a tattoo of a winged demon ]
David Spade: I like this one, but you know who has it already? Katie Couric. And we don’t want to be twinsies.[ cut to Spade with Sean ]
David Spade: Hey, you have a Chinese symbol. What’s that one mean?
Sean Penn: I’m not tellin’ ya.
David Spade: [ smartass ] Montel Williams?[ cut to Spade looking at the tattoos ]
David Spade: [ points to Tazmanian Devil holding severed head of Bugs Bunny ] Hey, Moms, here’s one for the kids.. [ points to flaming red skull ] This one says, “I’m unemployed, and my girlfriend works at Hooters.”[ cut to Spade and Sean ]
David Spade: Do you remember where you were when you heard that JFK was assassinated?
Sean Penn: I was three.. I don’t know.. why?
David Spade: Do you remember where you were when Wham broke up?
Sean Penn: [ laughs ] I just know I was crying!
David Spade: [ laughing ] Uh.. did you see the talking pig movie?
Sean Penn: No.
David Spade: You didn’t see “The Net”?
Sean Penn: [ laughs in spite of himself ]
David Spade: If this wasn’t real pain, would I have a rod?[ cut to Spade looking at more tattoos ]
David Spade: [ points to second flaming red skull ] This one says, “Don’t trust me with your children – I’m no babysitter!”[ cut to Spade and Sean ]
David Spade: Okay, we’ll do a scene from “Casualties of War”. I’ll play Michael J. Fox, and you play you. [ imitates Michael J. Fox ] “Hey, Sarge.. um.. what are we doing here exactly..?”
Sean Penn: Getting a tattoo.
David Spade: “We’re what?”
Sean Penn: Tattoo. You’re getting a tattoo.
David Spade: “You gotta give me a minute on that, Sarge.. Mallory..?”[ cut to Spade looking at more tattoos ]
David Spade: [ points to an eagle ] This one screams out.. “I have an eagle tattooed on me.. a big one..” Okay, I’m out of jokes.[ cut to Sean finishing Spade’s tattoo ]
Sean Penn: Oh, that’s that. That’s on there..
David Spade: We have a winner?
Sean Penn: I didn’t say that – I said it’s on there.[ cut to Spade back at the studio ]
David Spade: Okay, so if you couldn’t tell, that’s Calvin without Hobbes.. and, if it matter,s it is real.. and in five years it’ll be like having Mary Worth on there, I know. But I’d like to thank Sean – he was great about that. And I’ll see you guys next week. Good night!