SNL Transcripts: David Alan Grier: 12/09/95: The Rocky Roads


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 21: Episode 8

95h: David Alan Grier / Silverchair

The Rocky Roads

Principal…..Molly Shannon
Craig…..Will Ferrell
Terry…..David Alan Grier
Tina…..Nancy Walls
Brad…..Tim Meadows

[ open on interior, Culverdale Elementary School Auditorium ]

Principal: Okay, let’s thank Patty Miller, Timmy Jacobson, and Sara Yoder for participating in our Neighborhood Improvement Program. They are our Citizens of the Week! This is for you.. [ hands them a plaque ] You should be very proud of yourselves – terrific! Okay, as you know, it’s Friendship Week.. and we have a very special treat for you. Please give a very warm, Culverdale Elementary School welcome to the Rocky Roads!

[ Rocky Roads step out ]

Craig: [ strumming guitar ] Thank you, Principal Richards. We’re the Rocky Roads. I’d like to thank the good people here at Culverdale Elementary, for being so great. You’re proably thinking, “Hey! What’s with a name like the Rocky Roads?”

Black Guys: We’re the chocolate!

White Guy & Girl: We’re the marshmallow!

Terry: And we’re all just a little nuts!

[ they laugh ]

Craig: But, really! Our goal today is to learn about ourselves, think about ourselves..

Terry: And have a whole lot of fun while we do it!

Craig: Yeah! You bet, Terry! Hey! Who likes to learn? Boo-oo-oo! Right! Well, not today. Check out Terry, Tina, and Brad as they take themselves down an all-too-familiar road. [ strums his guitar and slides offscreen ]

Brad: Hey, New Girl, what’s your name?

Tina: Sally.

Terry: That’s not what I heard. I heard it was “Honky Cracker”.

Brad: That’s what I heard, too, “Honky Cracker”!

Tina: [ weeps ]

Craig: Freeze it! [ they freeze ] Hey, how do you think the new girl felt when the guys called her a “Honky Cracker”? Yeah, right, she felt hurt, that’s how she felt. Let’s see what happens this time, when Terry and Brad decide to be nice first. [ strums guitar and slides offscreen again ]

Brad: Hey, New Girl, what’s your name?

Tina: Sally.

Terry: Wow.. that’s what I heard! I heard it was Sally!

Brad: Hey, that’s what I heard, too! Would you like to go to myhouse, and listen to some records?

Tina: Sure!

[ music plays, as the Rocky Roads get up and sing ]

Rocky roads: “Black, white!
Yellow, white!
Red, white!
Outta site!”

Brad: “People everywhere are different.”

Craig: “We all have different skin.”

Tina: “It don’t matter what you look like.”

Terry: “All that matters is what’s within.”

Brad: “You may be a joker.”

Craig: “Or maybe a straight-A whiz.”

Tina: “You may be king of the nation.”

Terry: “But the only thing that matters is..”

Rocky roads: “Black, white!
Yellow, white!
Red, white!
Outta site!
Outta site!”

Craig: Hey, man, that song really brought it all together for me!

Terry: Well, hey, if you can groove on that, maybe you can really groove on this!

Craig: Hey, that looks like drugs.

Tina: Drugs?! Don’t be laying that ol’ jive on Craig!

Terry: Hey, what’s the matter? Ain’t you tough enough?![ breaks character and addresses the students ] There! You know, you’ve heard it a million times – “Ain’t you tough enough to do drugs?” But what they don’t tell you, man, is that they’re too weak to quit! I mean, why do you think they call it “dope”?

Craig: Word.

Brad: That’s because the only people who do drugs are the “Freaky People”.

Rocky Roads: [ singing ]“Freaky People. Freaky People. Freaky People. Freaky People.”

Brad: “Come into your neighborhood.”

Tina: “Freaky People, never up to any good.”

Terry: “Never left with any hope.”

Craig: “The only thing they got is dope.”

Rocky Roads: “No good! Shifty eyed!”

Terry: “I remember the day they made my sister cry!”

Rocky Roads: “Pushin’ dope! Gettin’ high!”

Terry: “Where were you when my best friend died!”

Brad: Somebody gave me some bad joint!

Craig: I can fly!

Tina: Stop!

Rocky Roads: “Freaky People!”

Terry: So, if you run into a Freaky Person..

Tina: Tell him and his Freaky Friends to take a hike!

Brad: And you can tell them the Rocky Roads said so!

Craig: You sure can! So, go back to class, and we’ll see you inabout two weeks!

[ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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