Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 21: Episode 8
95h: David Alan Grier / Silverchair
Wake Up and Smile!
Oliver…..Will Ferrell
Diane…..Nancy Walls
Tim Baker…..David Alan Grier
[ open on the main set of “Wake Up and Smile!” ]
Oliver: It’s the 20th anniversary of “Wake Up and Smile!”
Diane: 20 wonderful years! And 20 years of this man giving us the weather. Tim Baker, how’s it looking out there?
[ cut to the weatherman on the side of the set ]
Tim Baker: Heighty-ho! Well, we’ve got some mean storm clouds in the northeast, and a happy sun in the southeast! Back to you!
[ cut back to Oliver and Diane ]
Diane: Thank you, Tim Baker. We’re looking forward to another 20 years.
Oliver: It has definitely been a fun ride! Now, I understand you’ve got some cooking tips for us, Diane. I understand you’ve got some cooking tips for us, Diane. I understand you’ve got some cooking tips for us, Diane..
[ a stagehand taps on the teleprompter, which keeps spitting out the same phrase Oliver keeps repeating ]
Diane: [ panicking ] Um.. ih.. it looks like we’re having sme problems with the prompter here!..
[ Oliver and Diane are silent with stage fright ]
Oliver: [ fumbling for something to say ] The teleprompter on which everything we say appears on.. is broken..
Diane: [ trying to laugh ] Please! Let’s get that teleprompter fixed!
Oliver: Uh.. we’re having what’s known in the business as.. technical times.. right now..
Diane: Uh.. well.. let’s go to.. Tom.. Bulcher.. with the weather..
[ cut to the weatherman on the side of the set, stunned by the broken teleprompter ]
Tim Baker: Blank screen.. no words on it.. got to think.. must think.. [ pause ] Back to you..
[ cut back to Oliver and Diane, who are forced to “make something up” ]
Oliver: Uh.. you know, Diane, I had a notion the other day..
Diane: Uh.. well.. uh.. notions make.. uh.. this country happen..
Oliver: I.. I.. I was thinking someone should get a group together.. uh.. with guns to sweep out those ghettos..
[ the show cuts to quick commercial, then comes right back to its frightened hosts ]
Diane: I.. drive a red car..
Oliver: Make sure those poor people stay away from it.. they’ve got sores..
Diane: Let’s.. uh.. let’s go for weather with.. Jeff Shaker..
[ cut back to the weatherman, who’s still stunned by the broken teleprompter ]
Tim Baker: Rain.. clouds.. fear.. I must control the fear.. Please, someone tell me what to say.. I’m dying!
[ cut back to Oliver and Diane, still struggling themselves ]
Oliver: [ breathing heavily ] Getting cold.. feel so alone..
Diane: I’m afraid.. I’m afraid.. I’m afraid!
Oliver:
Diane: What are we gonna do?! There’s no words!
Oliver: [ taking control ] We must use the furniture to build a barricade! [ jumps up and pulls his chair to the floor ]
Tim Baker: [ panicking ] If we wait, surely they will send help, and make the words so we can be safe..
Oliver: [ loosening his tie ] We can’t wait! If we wait, we die! I’m the dominant one, here, so I’ll be the leader!
Diane: [ on the verge of tears ] I’m so hungry..
Oliver: We will live! We will live! [ lets out a dominant scream, as the show goes to commercial again. When the show returns from the commercial, the set is on fire, Oliver has painted a hand on his chest and started his own dominion. ]
Oliver: [ screaming ] The Order of the Hand will rule! The animals of the Zoo guy, Danny Usher, will sustain us. [ places a turtle over the chair ]
Tim Baker: But what if the box still refuses to give us any words?!
Oliver: You challenge my authority?!
Tim Baker: [ sniffing Oliver ] I smell from your scent that you are weak! I challenge you!
[ Oliver and Tim charge one another and topple to the floor fighting for authority. Within seconds, Oliver resurfaces with Tim’s severed head ]
Oliver: The weatherman is DEAD! I KILLED the weatherman! His STRENGTH is in me! [ starts to chew on the weatherman’s severed head ]
Diane: [ crying ] Make the words come back.. Make the words come back..
Offstage Voice: Prompter’s fixed!
[ suddenly, everything returns to normal ]
Diane: [ shocked ] Fixed?! [ reading off the teleprompter ] That’s right, Oliver. I’ll show you how to make a cassrole for the holidays. Stay tuned. Because we’re celebrating 20 magical years of “Wake up and Smile!”
[ Oliver and Diane cry as the show cuts to one last commercial, aghast at how poorly they handled a time of crisis ]
