SNL Transcripts: David Alan Grier: 12/09/95: Wake Up and Smile!


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 21: Episode 8

95h: David Alan Grier / Silverchair

Wake Up and Smile!

Oliver…..Will Ferrell
Diane…..Nancy Walls
Tim Baker…..David Alan Grier

[ open on the main set of “Wake Up and Smile!” ]

Oliver: It’s the 20th anniversary of “Wake Up and Smile!”

Diane: 20 wonderful years! And 20 years of this man giving us the weather. Tim Baker, how’s it looking out there?

[ cut to the weatherman on the side of the set ]

Tim Baker: Heighty-ho! Well, we’ve got some mean storm clouds in the northeast, and a happy sun in the southeast! Back to you!

[ cut back to Oliver and Diane ]

Diane: Thank you, Tim Baker. We’re looking forward to another 20 years.

Oliver: It has definitely been a fun ride! Now, I understand you’ve got some cooking tips for us, Diane. I understand you’ve got some cooking tips for us, Diane. I understand you’ve got some cooking tips for us, Diane..

[ a stagehand taps on the teleprompter, which keeps spitting out the same phrase Oliver keeps repeating ]

Diane: [ panicking ] Um.. ih.. it looks like we’re having sme problems with the prompter here!..

[ Oliver and Diane are silent with stage fright ]

Oliver: [ fumbling for something to say ] The teleprompter on which everything we say appears on.. is broken..

Diane: [ trying to laugh ] Please! Let’s get that teleprompter fixed!

Oliver: Uh.. we’re having what’s known in the business as.. technical times.. right now..

Diane: Uh.. well.. let’s go to.. Tom.. Bulcher.. with the weather..

[ cut to the weatherman on the side of the set, stunned by the broken teleprompter ]

Tim Baker: Blank screen.. no words on it.. got to think.. must think.. [ pause ] Back to you..

[ cut back to Oliver and Diane, who are forced to “make something up” ]

Oliver: Uh.. you know, Diane, I had a notion the other day..

Diane: Uh.. well.. uh.. notions make.. uh.. this country happen..

Oliver: I.. I.. I was thinking someone should get a group together.. uh.. with guns to sweep out those ghettos..

[ the show cuts to quick commercial, then comes right back to its frightened hosts ]

Diane: I.. drive a red car..

Oliver: Make sure those poor people stay away from it.. they’ve got sores..

Diane: Let’s.. uh.. let’s go for weather with.. Jeff Shaker..

[ cut back to the weatherman, who’s still stunned by the broken teleprompter ]

Tim Baker: Rain.. clouds.. fear.. I must control the fear.. Please, someone tell me what to say.. I’m dying!

[ cut back to Oliver and Diane, still struggling themselves ]

Oliver: [ breathing heavily ] Getting cold.. feel so alone..

Diane: I’m afraid.. I’m afraid.. I’m afraid!


Diane: What are we gonna do?! There’s no words!

Oliver: [ taking control ] We must use the furniture to build a barricade! [ jumps up and pulls his chair to the floor ]

Tim Baker: [ panicking ] If we wait, surely they will send help, and make the words so we can be safe..

Oliver: [ loosening his tie ] We can’t wait! If we wait, we die! I’m the dominant one, here, so I’ll be the leader!

Diane: [ on the verge of tears ] I’m so hungry..

Oliver: We will live! We will live! [ lets out a dominant scream, as the show goes to commercial again. When the show returns from the commercial, the set is on fire, Oliver has painted a hand on his chest and started his own dominion. ]

Oliver: [ screaming ] The Order of the Hand will rule! The animals of the Zoo guy, Danny Usher, will sustain us. [ places a turtle over the chair ]

Tim Baker: But what if the box still refuses to give us any words?!

Oliver: You challenge my authority?!

Tim Baker: [ sniffing Oliver ] I smell from your scent that you are weak! I challenge you!

[ Oliver and Tim charge one another and topple to the floor fighting for authority. Within seconds, Oliver resurfaces with Tim’s severed head ]

Oliver: The weatherman is DEAD! I KILLED the weatherman! His STRENGTH is in me! [ starts to chew on the weatherman’s severed head ]

Diane: [ crying ] Make the words come back.. Make the words come back..

Offstage Voice: Prompter’s fixed!

[ suddenly, everything returns to normal ]

Diane: [ shocked ] Fixed?! [ reading off the teleprompter ] That’s right, Oliver. I’ll show you how to make a cassrole for the holidays. Stay tuned. Because we’re celebrating 20 magical years of “Wake up and Smile!”

[ Oliver and Diane cry as the show cuts to one last commercial, aghast at how poorly they handled a time of crisis ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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