SNL Transcripts: David Alan Grier: 12/09/95: Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 8






95h: David Alan Grier / Silverchair

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald

…..Norm MacDonald
President Bill Clinton…..Darrell Hammond
Lenny the Lion…..Colin Quinn

Announcer: Weekend Update, with Norm MacDonald.

Norm MacDonald: Thank you very much. I’m Norm MacDonald, and now the fake news.

Our top story tonight: Charged by critics with failure to create an exit strategy for Bosnia, a defiant President Clinton, toay, insisted that he has one ready. Should the situation deterioriate, he’ll have all 20,000 troops airlifted to England and smoking pot within 24 hours.

Last week the president vetoed a Republican bill to balance the budget.. and he used a pen that belonged to former President Lyndon Johnson. Clinton has also been working his way through John F. Kennedy’s vast supply of condoms.

In business news, Chrysler has alleged that former chairman Lee Iacocca gave away classified documents to other corporations. According to a spokesperson, Chrysler is deeply concerned that other manufacturers have learned the secret to building crappy cars.

Norm MacDonald: “An American President”, Rob Reiner’s new film starring Michael Douglas and Annette Bening, opened in theaters last week. Here with his review is “Update” movie critic and 42nd President of these United States, Bill Clinton.

President Bill Clinton: Thank you, Norm.. thank you, all. Rob Reiner’s latest film tells the story of a young, idealistic president, who has not only a hostile Congress and a nasty Republican contender to deal with, but also has to raise a 12-year-old daughter on his own, because, you see, his wife is dead. I love this movie!

Norm MacDonald: You really liked it that much, Mr. President?

President Bill Clinton: Norm, from the moment we learn the premise about theyoung president with the dead wife, of the the viewer just falls hook, line and sinker. I mean, Rob Reiner has tapped into what must be every young American’s fantasy: to grow up, to become President, to have your wife die, and be left with the trappings of the office free and unattached. [ laughs ]

Norm MacDonald: Was there anything you didn’t like about the movie, Mr. President?

President Bill Clinton: Well, I thought some of the performances were unconvincing, particularly Martin Sheen as the President’s Chief-of-Staff. He’s done better work.

Norm MacDonald: Uh-huh. And what did you like best about the movie?

President Bill Clinton: The dead wife.

Norm MacDonald: Ah. Now, Mr. President, one thing I wondered about in the movie: would it really be possible for a president to sneak a woman into the White House.. what with all the staff and security, and not have any of them talk to the press?

President Bill Clinton: [ tense ] What did you hear?

Norm MacDonald: Nothing, I didn’t hear anything.. But you know, with that huge staff, surely one of them would talk to the press.

President Bill Clinton: No, seriously, did you hear something?

Norm MacDonald: No, no, I didn’t hear anything. I just wondered if that part of the movie seemed plausible to you.

President Bill Clinton: That’s good.. well..

Norm MacDonald: So, anyway, Mr. President, on a scale of 1 to 10, what would you give this movie?

President Bill Clinton: Norm, I give it a 10!

Norm MacDonald: Wow, that’s more than you gave “Tank Girl”.

President Bill Clinton: I love this movie! [ laughs ]

Norm MacDonald: Alright! President Clinton, everybody!

In a surprise move, O.J. Simpson has offered to give an interview to CNN, with “absolutely no ground rules”. But interviewers Greta van Suster and Ann Roger-Cossack have asked for one – “Dont kill us!”

Across the Great Plains, harsh weather and hungry boll weevils are the cause of one of the worst cotton harvests in years – or so the Germans would have us believe.

Doctors at the University of Pennsylvania Hospital are hard at work developing a new operation to remove an appendix without anesthesia. The operation is exactly the same as the one with anesthesia, with one key difference – it hurts like a bastard!

The New york Public Interest group has unveiled its list of dangerous topys for the upcoming Christmas season. Topping the list this year, Baby’s First Circular Saw.

This week in Minneapolis, the Minnesota Obesity Center offically opened. Its goals – to find ways to identify behaviors that lead to obesity. Also, it’s a good place ot meet fat chicks.

Norm MacDonald: You know, many of the nation’s zoos are facing severe cash-flow problems. Some have even closed. Here to speak for the displaced animals is the King of the Jungle himself – the Lion!

Lenny the Lion: Hello, my name is Lenny, I’m a lion. I’ve been in an out of the zoo since I’ve been 15 years of age. I’m currently due to stand trial for the attempted murder of an ocelet, even though I have a signed letter from my therapist that says I am a natural predator. I’m not trying to make excuses, but I come from a violent background. I watched my father kill a giraffe when I was 2 years old. Two of my brothers were in a pride, they were eventually killed by poachers. I have one sister who lives in Kenya – I haven’t seen her in 20 years.

In the meantime, I’m living in the park, I’ve been stabbed, I’ve been hospitalized with hypothermia – I mean, look at this coat! This doesn’t keep me warm! I’m trying to get into a natural habitat, but there’s a 2-year waiting list. I’ve tried to get a job with the Ringling Brothers, but they won’t hire me because of my record. I’ve been in the system ever since I was brung over here. I did three years in the Columbus Zoo for stalking an ostrich. I’ve done time in the Bronx, in Central Park.. I was in San Diego during the riots. I am currently suing the ASPCA, because when I was transferred to an animal shelter, they shot me full of elephant tranquilizers – I mean, come on, man, do I look like an elephant to you? I became an addict – I just kicked for the ninth time, but I’m clean now.

I don’t want handouts, I will pay back anything you give me.. Marlin Perkins owes me a residual check, it’s at my mother’s house in back in Nirobia – I swear! When I was coming up there in the 70’s, it was different – everybody got along, panthers, cheetahs.. my sister went out with a tiger – we didn’t care, he was a cool guy! So, listen, if you know anyone who’s hiring, I can defned your home.. if your kid’s having problems in school with bullies, I can take care of it for you. Thank you for your time, I appreciate your attention, fur is murder!

Norm MacDonald: The Lion!

Finally, in Connecticut, a mailman on his route was bitten and dragged by a Rottweiler that held on even after police shot it five times. Officers rescued the shaken mailman, who finished his rounds, went back to the post office, and shot ten people.

Norm MacDonald: And that’s the way it is. Enjoy your Sunday, folks! Thanks!

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