Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 21: Episode 9
Giant Bird
Nancy … Madeline Kahn
Bill … David Koechner
Nancy: “Hey, Nancy! I’ve got a good idea. Let’sgo for a picnic today!”
Bill: “Good idea, Bill! And I know the perfectplace! Up by the old nuclear powerplant!”
Nancy: “I sure hope the ants don’tbother us!” Ants!
Bill: “Oh, honey! Don’t bring the gun! Whywould we need a gun at apicnic?!”
Nancy: “There’s a good spot, Nancy. Up on topof that hill in that big round bowl ofhay!”
Bill: “Just pull out – push out thoseegg-shaped boulders so we’ll have moreroom!”
Nancy: “Oh, look, honey! It’s a giant hangglider!”
Bill: “Oh, honey! We’re so lucky! It’s a bird!And it’s coming right toward us!”
Nancy: “Run for the car! And get the camera!Quick! Like a rabbit!”
Bill: “Whatever you do, try not to scare himaway!”
Nancy: “Maybe if you hold out a piece ofchicken, he’ll come and take it — right out o’your hand!”
Bill: “Honey! Come out of your hiding place!It’s perfectly safe!”
Nancy: “Stop running! It can’t see you when youstand still!”
Bill: “Trust me! A bird can’t open a car doorwith its beak!”
Nancy: “Hey, look! You can see our house fromhere!”
Bill: [drenched with bird poop] “Don’t worry!They can’t poop when they’reflying!”
[Another fart. More poop. Fade out.]Submitted Anonymously