Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 21: Episode 9
Giant Bird
Nancy … Madeline Kahn
Bill … David Koechner
[Nancy and Bill, husband and wife, are discovered sideby side in the clutches of a giant bird’s enormoustalons, flying high through the clouds and over thecountryside. Only the bird’s claws are visible — therest of the bird is off-camera above Nancy and Bill.We hear an occasional screech from the bird and thesteady flapping of its unseen wings. Disgusted andannoyed with each other over their predicament, Nancyand Bill’s entire dialogue consists of theircontemptuous and sarcastic quoting of oneanother:]
Nancy: “Hey, Nancy! I’ve got a good idea. Let’sgo for a picnic today!”
Bill: “Good idea, Bill! And I know the perfectplace! Up by the old nuclear powerplant!”
Nancy: “I sure hope the ants don’tbother us!” Ants!
Bill: “Oh, honey! Don’t bring the gun! Whywould we need a gun at apicnic?!”
Nancy: “There’s a good spot, Nancy. Up on topof that hill in that big round bowl ofhay!”
Bill: “Just pull out – push out thoseegg-shaped boulders so we’ll have moreroom!”
Nancy: “Oh, look, honey! It’s a giant hangglider!”
Bill: “Oh, honey! We’re so lucky! It’s a bird!And it’s coming right toward us!”
Nancy: “Run for the car! And get the camera!Quick! Like a rabbit!”
Bill: “Whatever you do, try not to scare himaway!”
Nancy: “Maybe if you hold out a piece ofchicken, he’ll come and take it — right out o’your hand!”
Bill: “Honey! Come out of your hiding place!It’s perfectly safe!”
Nancy: “Stop running! It can’t see you when youstand still!”
Bill: “Trust me! A bird can’t open a car doorwith its beak!”
Nancy: “Hey, look! You can see our house fromhere!”
[Suddenly, there is a loud fart and a huge amount ofbird poop rains down on Bill.]
Bill: [drenched with bird poop] “Don’t worry!They can’t poop when they’reflying!”
[Another fart. More poop. Fade out.]
Submitted Anonymously
