SNL Transcripts: Madeline Kahn: 12/16/95: Giant Bird


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 21: Episode 9

95i: Madeline Kahn / Bush

Giant Bird

Nancy … Madeline Kahn
Bill … David Koechner

[Nancy and Bill, husband and wife, are discovered sideby side in the clutches of a giant bird’s enormoustalons, flying high through the clouds and over thecountryside. Only the bird’s claws are visible — therest of the bird is off-camera above Nancy and Bill.We hear an occasional screech from the bird and thesteady flapping of its unseen wings. Disgusted andannoyed with each other over their predicament, Nancyand Bill’s entire dialogue consists of theircontemptuous and sarcastic quoting of oneanother:]

Nancy: “Hey, Nancy! I’ve got a good idea. Let’sgo for a picnic today!”

Bill: “Good idea, Bill! And I know the perfectplace! Up by the old nuclear powerplant!”

Nancy: “I sure hope the ants don’tbother us!” Ants!

Bill: “Oh, honey! Don’t bring the gun! Whywould we need a gun at apicnic?!”

Nancy: “There’s a good spot, Nancy. Up on topof that hill in that big round bowl ofhay!”

Bill: “Just pull out – push out thoseegg-shaped boulders so we’ll have moreroom!”

Nancy: “Oh, look, honey! It’s a giant hangglider!”

Bill: “Oh, honey! We’re so lucky! It’s a bird!And it’s coming right toward us!”

Nancy: “Run for the car! And get the camera!Quick! Like a rabbit!”

Bill: “Whatever you do, try not to scare himaway!”

Nancy: “Maybe if you hold out a piece ofchicken, he’ll come and take it — right out o’your hand!”

Bill: “Honey! Come out of your hiding place!It’s perfectly safe!”

Nancy: “Stop running! It can’t see you when youstand still!”

Bill: “Trust me! A bird can’t open a car doorwith its beak!”

Nancy: “Hey, look! You can see our house fromhere!”

[Suddenly, there is a loud fart and a huge amount ofbird poop rains down on Bill.]

Bill: [drenched with bird poop] “Don’t worry!They can’t poop when they’reflying!”

[Another fart. More poop. Fade out.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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