SNL Transcripts: Madeline Kahn: 12/16/95: Spartan Cheerleaders


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 21: Episode 9

95i: Madeline Kahn / Bush

Spartan Cheerleaders

Craig Buchanan…..Will Ferrell
Arianna…..Cheri Oteri
Principal…..Nancy Walls

[ open on Eastlake Spartans basketball game, wannabe cheerleaders Craig and Arianna cheering privately on the side ]

Together: “Hey now! Spartans gettin’ down!
jump back! Show you where it’s at!
‘Cause when it comes to winning, we’re second to none
Because we know that you know that we know we’re #10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2!”

Craig: [ jumping ] Whoo-oo!

Arianna: [ jumping ] Spirit! Spirit!

[ they sit on the bench to wipe their sweat ]

Craig: [ pointing ] Oh! Arianna! Jessica’s trying to get yourattention!

Arianna: [ looking ] Where is she?

Craig: She’s right over there.

Arianna: [ jumps up and yells to the bleachers ] Jessica! What? Sign it! Sign it! This morning! Sign it! What?! [ motions for her to call ] I can’t hear you, Jessica! Call me later! [ jump-kicks, then sits next to Craig ] Oh, Craig, there’s your mom.

Craig: What? Where?

Arianna: Right over there. [ points ] Hi, Mrs. Buchanan!

Craig: [ jumps up and calls across the bleachers ] What? No! No, Mom, stop bugging me about the Christmas dance, okay! No, I.. [ whispers his yell ] I haven’t asked her yet.. I haven’t asked her yet.. Zip it! I’ll meet you at Concessions, okay? [ jump-kicks, then sits next to Arianna ] Oh, my God, Brandon’s got the ball!

Arianna: Go, Brandon!

Craig: Go for a layout!

Arianna: Go, Brandon! Oh, my God!

[ they scream as Brandon scores, then jump up to do a new cheer ]

Arianna: Punch it up!

Together: “We’re rough! We’re tough! We know it and we show it!
[ Arianna faux punches Craig’s chin ]We got power! Whoo! Spartan Power!
Whoo! We’re rough! We’re tough! We know it and we show it!

[ Craig faux punches Arianna’s chin ]We got power! Whoo! Spartan Power! Whoo!”

Craig: [ screaming towards the action ] Pass it, Lionel!

Arianna: Pass it, Lionel!

Craig: That’s a double team! Get out of the double team!

Arianna: Oh, my God! [ turns around to prepare for the next cheer ]

Craig: “Who’s that Spartan having my baby?”

Arianna: [ with basketball under her sweater ] “It’s me! It’s me!”

Craig: “I said, ‘Who’s that Spartan having my baby?'”

Arianna: “It’s me! It’s me!”

Together: “Uh-huh! Uh-huh! Uh-huh uh-huh uh-huh!
Safe Sex!

Craig: [ yelling ] Okay, guys, you can do it!

Arianna: You can do it!

[ they jump-kick and sit on the bench ]

Craig: Wow, they’re playing so well!

Arianna: They are!

Craig: Oh! Arianna. Maggie’s trying to get your attention!

Arianna: Where is she?

Craig: She’s.. I think, right there.. [ points ]

Arianna: [ stands and yells ] What, Maggie?! What?! I can’t..No! I don’t know who I’m gonna take to the Christmas dance yet! What?Who?! No! I don’t like Craig like that! Maggi! I don’t like Craig like that! Maggi, I can’t hear! [ motions for her to call later ] Call me! [ jump-kicks, then sits next to Craig again ]

Craig: [ rooting the home team ] Go, Randy! Pressure D!

Arianna: Pressure D, Randy!

Together: [ growing tense ] Oh, my God! Call Time-Out! Call Time-Out!

[ the Referee’s whistle blows, so Craig and Arianna jump up for theirnext cheer ]

Together: “1, 2, 3, 4! Who you think you’re fighting for?
Your Momma! Hey, hey, your momma! Whoo!
Your Momma, your Daddy, your greasy Granny got a whole new fanny!
Beg your pardon. Say what?
Beg your pardon. Say what?
We are the Mighty Spartans, and we’re here to take you out!”

Arianna: “‘Cause we are a bad Mother..”

Craig: [ covers Arianna’s mouth ] “Shut your mouth!”

Together: Whoo! Whoo! [ they sit ]

Craig: Oh, my God! We’re down by 2 points, and time is running out! The Spartans need a miracle!

Arianna: Or the perfect cheer.

[ the realization hits them, so Arianna turns the boombox onto “Ice, Ice, Baby” as they perform the Perfect Cheer – until the Principal interrupts them ]

Principal: Arianna, Craig.. I need to have a word with you.

Arianna: [ worried ] Mrs. McMannen!

Principal: You have been told repeatedly that you did notmake the Spartan Squad. Now, I want your uniforms on my desk Mondaymorning.

Arianna: But, Mrs. McMannen! We didn’t ask to be born with Spartan Sprit! We just.. [ clutches onto Craig and cries ]

Craig: There isn’t a switch that we can turn it on or off with!

Principal: [ serious ] Monday morning! [ stomps off ]

Craig: [ upset ] Oh, God!

Arianna: What’s more important? Possible expulsion, or showingour spirit?

Craig: You don’t have to tell me!

[ Arianna turns the boombox on again as they finish their Perfect Cheerto fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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