SNL Transcripts: Christopher Walken: 01/13/96: The Execution

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 21: Episode 10

95j: Christopher Walken / Joan Osborne

The Execution

Warden…..Tim Meadows
Mr. Wilson…..Christopher Walken
Gerald “T-Bone” Tibbins…..David Koechner

Warden: Well, your number’s finally up, Boyle.

Mr. Wilson: I ain’t afraid to die, Warden. Do your worst.

Warden: Then let the records show, that on this day, January 13th, 1996, by the power vested in me..

Gerald “T-Bone” Tibbins: [ interrupting ] Whoa, whoa, whoa, hey!Should I pull this thing here right now? [ acknowsledges switch ] Can I do it now? Or are you gonna give me some kinda “hi” sign?

Warden: Uh.. no, Mr. Executioner, if you could..

Gerald “T-Bone” Tibbins: Hey, hey, hey, no formalities! [ stepsforward ] The name’s Gerald Tibbins. Friends call me “T-Bone”.

Mr. Wilson: [ confused ] Is this part of it?

Warden: No, Mr. Wilson.. Executioner, you’re supposed to remainanonymous! The hood.. please!

Gerald “T-Bone” Tibbins: Oh, hell, I don’t mind! I can barely see out of that thing, anyway! [ pulls hood off his head ] Hey, you know what I was thinking? I’d like to meet this here fellow if you don’t mind! [ to Mr. Wilson ] Hey! Name’s Gerald. Hey, I guess you oughtta call me Dr. Kevorkians, huh? Hey, listen, don’t press no charges, okay? [ laughs ]

Mr. Wilson: Uh.. could you not speak to me? I’d like to be alone here with my thoughts, in my final moments.

Warden: Executioner?

Gerald “T-Bone” Tibbins: T-Bone.

Warden: Whatever. Would you please refrain from talking to theprisoner?

Gerald “T-Bone” Tibbins: Hey, listen here, I’m just trying to lighten the mood upalright? This fella here’s about to become fried eggs over easy. I just pop ’em straight on up there! I thought he might appreciate a little, what? Levity, that’s what. Maybe I’ll just go back to my station. Boop-boop! [ returns to the switch ]

Warden: Any last words, Boyle?

Mr. Wilson: You know what I’m gonna say, Warden. You can kill me, but you’d be killing an innocent man. That’s something you’re going to have to take with you to your.. [ suddenly receives an electrical shock ] Owwww! What the heck was that!

Gerald “T-Bone” Tibbins: [ hands on the switch ] Whoo! It’s working! Hey! That thing heats up pretty good, don’t it! What do you think, Mr. Murder Man? You think that there will do the trick!

Warden: [ angry ] Executioner, for the last time, please wait for my signal!

Gerald “T-Bone” Tibbins: Well, what’s signal gonna be? I gottaunderstand. Are you gonna give me a high sign? You gonna give me a low sign? I tell you what – why don’t you give me one of them baseball steal signs, like this.. [ makes baseball steal gestures ] ..whoop! Whoop-whoop whoop! [ to Mr. Wilson ] I tell you what, you wanna call it out?

Mr. Wilson: [ upset ] No! I don’t! You don’t understand? I’m about to die! I’m scared! Please, leave me alone!

Gerald “T-Bone” Tibbins: Well, excuse me, Sparky. I just thought you and me could, you know, hook up on a little system there. When you’re ready, you could just yell out there, “Ready, steady, go!” or maybe, “Let ‘er rip!” or how about this one here: “Take me home, Jesus!

Mr. Wilson: PLease!

Warden: Mr. Tibbins, go back to your station!

Gerald “T-Bone” Tibbins: Alright, Captain. Hey! You run a pretty tight shift, don’t you? [ walks back ]

Warden: I’m very, very sorry about this, Boyle.. we’ve never had this problem..

Mr. Wilson: Don’t apologize to me, Warden. Apologize to my mother! For taking away her son.. a son she dearly loved.. a son who one day had aspirations to.. [ receives electrical shock ] Ow!

Gerald “T-Bone” Tibbins: [ hands on the switch ] Whoo! Fire in the hole! Over here! Over here! That was my fault! You know, Warden, my hands got a little sweaty, that’s all!

Mr. Wilson: Have you on decency?! I’m about to die! [ receivesanother electrical shock ] Ow!

Gerald “T-Bone” Tibbins: Hey, that was me again! Listen, I was just funnin’ with you a little bit.. hey! Sorry about that, Hotplate, alright? Tell you what I’m gonna do – since this is your final hour, I’m gonna sing you a little funeral dirge, what do you say? I’ll take requests.

Mr. Wilson: [ annoyed ] Just let me die..

Gerald “T-Bone” Tibbins: [ thinking ] Let’s see.. don’t know that one.. how about this one? [ singing ] “Don’t go chasing them there waterfalls.. they’re gonna.. Good God o’ Mighty! ..get you everytime that they can..” Come on, now!

Warden: Enough, Mr. Tibbins, please! Just go back to your station!

Gerald “T-Bone” Tibbins: Hey, I’ll do that in just one second, Warden – I gotta visit the water closet.

Warden: What?!

Gerald “T-Bone” Tibbins: I gotta take a squirt! [ exits ]

Mr. Wilson: Warden, please.. this is insufferable! Why am I being tortured like this?

Warden: I-I’m terribly sorry.. [ phone rings, Warden picks it up ] Hello? Yes, Governor. A reprieve? [ to Mr. Wilson ] They’ve granted you a reprieve.

Mr. Wilson: [ unenthused ] Great.

Gerald “T-Bone” Tibbins: [ opens door holding another phone in the air ] Hey! Gotcha! That was just me! Hey, guess what – phone works! [ drops his phone and returns to the switch ] Hey! Let’s do this! [ singing ] Don’t go chasing them there waterfalls..

[ fade ]

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