SNL Transcripts: Christopher Walken: 01/13/96: The Execution


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 21: Episode 10

95j: Christopher Walken / Joan Osborne

The Execution

Warden…..Tim Meadows
Mr. Wilson…..Christopher Walken
Gerald “T-Bone” Tibbins…..David Koechner

Warden: Well, your number’s finally up, Boyle.

Mr. Wilson: I ain’t afraid to die, Warden. Do your worst.

Warden: Then let the records show, that on this day, January 13th, 1996, by the power vested in me..

Gerald “T-Bone” Tibbins: [ interrupting ] Whoa, whoa, whoa, hey!Should I pull this thing here right now? [ acknowsledges switch ] Can I do it now? Or are you gonna give me some kinda “hi” sign?

Warden: Uh.. no, Mr. Executioner, if you could..

Gerald “T-Bone” Tibbins: Hey, hey, hey, no formalities! [ stepsforward ] The name’s Gerald Tibbins. Friends call me “T-Bone”.

Mr. Wilson: [ confused ] Is this part of it?

Warden: No, Mr. Wilson.. Executioner, you’re supposed to remainanonymous! The hood.. please!

Gerald “T-Bone” Tibbins: Oh, hell, I don’t mind! I can barely see out of that thing, anyway! [ pulls hood off his head ] Hey, you know what I was thinking? I’d like to meet this here fellow if you don’t mind! [ to Mr. Wilson ] Hey! Name’s Gerald. Hey, I guess you oughtta call me Dr. Kevorkians, huh? Hey, listen, don’t press no charges, okay? [ laughs ]

Mr. Wilson: Uh.. could you not speak to me? I’d like to be alone here with my thoughts, in my final moments.

Warden: Executioner?

Gerald “T-Bone” Tibbins: T-Bone.

Warden: Whatever. Would you please refrain from talking to theprisoner?

Gerald “T-Bone” Tibbins: Hey, listen here, I’m just trying to lighten the mood upalright? This fella here’s about to become fried eggs over easy. I just pop ’em straight on up there! I thought he might appreciate a little, what? Levity, that’s what. Maybe I’ll just go back to my station. Boop-boop! [ returns to the switch ]

Warden: Any last words, Boyle?

Mr. Wilson: You know what I’m gonna say, Warden. You can kill me, but you’d be killing an innocent man. That’s something you’re going to have to take with you to your.. [ suddenly receives an electrical shock ] Owwww! What the heck was that!

Gerald “T-Bone” Tibbins: [ hands on the switch ] Whoo! It’s working! Hey! That thing heats up pretty good, don’t it! What do you think, Mr. Murder Man? You think that there will do the trick!

Warden: [ angry ] Executioner, for the last time, please wait for my signal!

Gerald “T-Bone” Tibbins: Well, what’s signal gonna be? I gottaunderstand. Are you gonna give me a high sign? You gonna give me a low sign? I tell you what – why don’t you give me one of them baseball steal signs, like this.. [ makes baseball steal gestures ] ..whoop! Whoop-whoop whoop! [ to Mr. Wilson ] I tell you what, you wanna call it out?

Mr. Wilson: [ upset ] No! I don’t! You don’t understand? I’m about to die! I’m scared! Please, leave me alone!

Gerald “T-Bone” Tibbins: Well, excuse me, Sparky. I just thought you and me could, you know, hook up on a little system there. When you’re ready, you could just yell out there, “Ready, steady, go!” or maybe, “Let ‘er rip!” or how about this one here: “Take me home, Jesus!

Mr. Wilson: PLease!

Warden: Mr. Tibbins, go back to your station!

Gerald “T-Bone” Tibbins: Alright, Captain. Hey! You run a pretty tight shift, don’t you? [ walks back ]

Warden: I’m very, very sorry about this, Boyle.. we’ve never had this problem..

Mr. Wilson: Don’t apologize to me, Warden. Apologize to my mother! For taking away her son.. a son she dearly loved.. a son who one day had aspirations to.. [ receives electrical shock ] Ow!

Gerald “T-Bone” Tibbins: [ hands on the switch ] Whoo! Fire in the hole! Over here! Over here! That was my fault! You know, Warden, my hands got a little sweaty, that’s all!

Mr. Wilson: Have you on decency?! I’m about to die! [ receivesanother electrical shock ] Ow!

Gerald “T-Bone” Tibbins: Hey, that was me again! Listen, I was just funnin’ with you a little bit.. hey! Sorry about that, Hotplate, alright? Tell you what I’m gonna do – since this is your final hour, I’m gonna sing you a little funeral dirge, what do you say? I’ll take requests.

Mr. Wilson: [ annoyed ] Just let me die..

Gerald “T-Bone” Tibbins: [ thinking ] Let’s see.. don’t know that one.. how about this one? [ singing ] “Don’t go chasing them there waterfalls.. they’re gonna.. Good God o’ Mighty! ..get you everytime that they can..” Come on, now!

Warden: Enough, Mr. Tibbins, please! Just go back to your station!

Gerald “T-Bone” Tibbins: Hey, I’ll do that in just one second, Warden – I gotta visit the water closet.

Warden: What?!

Gerald “T-Bone” Tibbins: I gotta take a squirt! [ exits ]

Mr. Wilson: Warden, please.. this is insufferable! Why am I being tortured like this?

Warden: I-I’m terribly sorry.. [ phone rings, Warden picks it up ] Hello? Yes, Governor. A reprieve? [ to Mr. Wilson ] They’ve granted you a reprieve.

Mr. Wilson: [ unenthused ] Great.

Gerald “T-Bone” Tibbins: [ opens door holding another phone in the air ] Hey! Gotcha! That was just me! Hey, guess what – phone works! [ drops his phone and returns to the switch ] Hey! Let’s do this! [ singing ] Don’t go chasing them there waterfalls..

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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