Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 21: Episode 10
95j: Christopher Walken / Joan Osborne
Rita Delvecchio…..Cheri Oteri
[ Scene opens in a snowy neighborhood. Camera zooms in and dissolves on an outside shot of Rita Delvecchios snow-covered porch, decorated in Christmas lights. Rita steps out of her house ]
Rita Delvecchio: [ addresses a “neighbor” who is offscreen ] Hey, Loretta. Is it cold enough for ya? Yeah, can you believe this? Three sons and I gotta shovel the walk myself. Yeah, yeah, its only three oclock in the afternoon and theyre still in bed. Yeah, they got a whole day of doing nothing ahead of them, so they need their sleep. All right, yeah. All right, doll, Ill talk to-hey, if you hear a snap, its my back. Call 911. Oh! Dont listen to me, Loretta! Oh, Im bad. All right, honey. Ill talk to you later, doll. [ someone off-set throws a sled on Ritas front steps. Rita comes over and picks it up ] All right, okay? You see this? [ holds up sled ] Okay, you see this? You kids got a hark–a whole park to play in, but you got to slip n slide in front of my house. Guess what? I keep it now. Okay, yeah. [ turns to put sled down ] Thatd be good, have your mother come and get it [ turns her head ] I hear ya, smart-ass. [ puts sled away, addresses another “neighbor” who is off-screen ] Uh, hi, Bella. Yeah, twenty-four inches, they said, Bell. Now I know why they call it a “winter wonderland”; Im “wonder”ing where the frig my car is buried. Bella! Oh, Im bad. Oh, honey, you know me. Yeah, Mother Nature, right, Bell. Hey, listen, if you see her, send her over. I want to introduce her to the blunt end of my shovel. You set me up, you bitch. Oh, you set me up, Bella! All right, doll. Go inside. Ill talk to you later.[ cut to a two-shot of Rita still on the stairs of her porch with the shovel and Vic, a man in a pale bluish-green and purple snowsuit with gold chains and lime green gloves, pushing a snowblower on Ritas walkway ]
Rita Delvecchio: [ to Vic ] Hey, Vic. Whatcha got there, a rocket ship?
Vic: Naw, Rita. This is my new snowblower.
Rita Delvecchio: [ partially drowned out by the snowblower motor ] Snowblower, wow.
Vic: Yeah, its got a 4½ horsepower Briggs and Stratton motor. All-wheel drive and fuel-injected carbs, pop-up pistons.
Rita Delvecchio: Vic, Vic, why dont you put a back seat in and some dice and we can steam up the back windows, Vic. Oh, Vic!
Vic: Oh, Rita, youre-youre an animal.
Rita Delvecchio: [jokingly] Ah, Vic, Im bad. You know better, you know better than that.[ A kid with a blue snow shovel approaches Ritas walk ]
Kid: Hey, Mrs. Delvecchio?
Rita Delvecchio: Yeah.
Kid: Would you like your walk shoveled?
Rita Delvecchio: [to Vic] Vic, my prince has come. [to Kid] All right, baby, [indicates point at which the kid should start] Why dont you just start on the end-
Kid: [interrupst her] Its $35.00. $50.00 and Ill do the driveway, too.
Rita Delvecchio: [in sotto voce to Vic] Did you hear that, Vic? The little Al Capone is trying to give me a break [yells at kid and menaces him with her orange shovel] Get the hell off my property, you wallet-totin Anti-Christ![ snowballs are thrown at Vic and Rita from offscreen. Rita tries to fight them off]
Vic and Rita: [as theyre getting hit] Hey! Hey! Watch it!
Rita Delvecchio: [brandishing her orange shovel to the offscreen perpetrators] Okay. All right. Okay. All right. Okay, you better run! You better run! I got eyes in the back of my head. Bastards. [to Vic] That sure is a great machine.
Rita Delvecchio: Ill tell ya, it looks like it does the work of ten men, Vic.
Vic: Just as long as it does the work of this man, Rita. Thats all I care about.
Rita Delvecchio: Yeah, I hear ya, Vic. I hear ya. Uh, hey, Vic, why dont you show me how to work one of those things- [ snowballs are thrown at Rita and Vic again]
Vic: Hey! Hey!
Rita Delvecchio: [runs up the stairs of her porch] Okay, all right. See this? [brandishes orange snow shovel] You cracked-up little bastards! You crack-pipin, motherless– [rushes back to Vic] Vic, Vic, did you see this?
Vic: [to the offscreen perpetrators] Hey, guys, come on. No throwing snowballs, huh? Show respect!
Rita Delvecchio: [to Vic] Did you see that? [to the offscreen perpetrators] Keep running! [back to Vic]: Hey, Vic, you know what? I almost forgot to tell ya. Um, yeah. You know I-I made a little too much pasta fagioli last night. Why dont you, why dont you, when youre finished, come up to the house, and Ill give you some to take home?
Vic: What are you, Rita? An angel sent from above? I love pasta fagioli.
Rita Delvecchio: Hey, Vic. Hey, Vic? Vic, you know what Id love? You know what Id love, Vic?
Rita Delvecchio: Id love a clear walkway. Can you help me out?
Vic: Geez, Rita. Id love to, but I do yours, I gotta do the whole block.
Rita Delvecchio: Aint gotta do the whole block, Vic. You just gotta do mines.
Vic: Geez, Rita. I would love to, but– [someone offscreen throws a red, plastic disc used for sledding on the porch].
Rita Delvecchio: [runs over and picks up the red disk] Oh, okay, all right. See this? See this? Okay. Guess what? Guess whos got a new-a new-uh, a new one of these things. These little things? Okay? I keep it now. Mrs. Delvecchio has it, has it, yeah! Its mine now, okay? You happy? Oh, yeah? Go shoot up your hashish. [walks back over to Vic] You heard me. Bastards. Smart-ass bastards. [to Vic] All right, Vic, lets cut the crap. What do I gotta do to get you to use that humper on my walk?
Vic: You cut the crap; Ill cut the crap. You want the truth, Rita?
Rita Delvecchio: Yeah, I want the truth.
Vic: Im never gonna do your walk. Because every year you keep your Christmas lights up seven days after Three Kings Day. Everybody else takes theirs down. You make the whole block look bad.
Rita Delvecchio: All right. Youre talking out your ass, Vic, okay? Because–because the Vatican extended the removal of house lights until two weeks after the Epiphany–two weeks after the Epiphany.
Vic: [skeptically] Rita, come on. [starts up motor to snowblower] [Rita and Vic get hit with snowballs yet again]
Rita Delvecchio: Hey, hey! Okay! All right, thats enough!
Vic: Who threw that? Who threw that?
Rita Delvecchio: [pointing offscreen] Get em, Vic! Vic, go get em! I see em.
Vic: Okay. You rat bastard. Lets see how funny it is when I blow your nose off. [picks himself up and climbs on top of the snow] See how funny it is when I bury your face in the yellow snow [runs offscreen]
Rita Delvecchio: [cheering Vic on] Go get em, Vic. Go get em, Vic. Thats it! [the snowblower falls over onto Ritas walkway. Rita climbs over the side of her porch and tries to pull down her skirt as it rides up, revealing a pair of white undershorts] Oooh, oooh! Vic, it touched my porch. I keep it now! I keep it now. It touched my porch! Its mine! [climbs off the edge of the porch and gets behind the snowblower] It touched my porch. Its mine now, Vic[fade to black]
Submitted by: Candy