SNL Transcripts: Alec Baldwin: 01/20/96: The Joe Pesci Show

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 21: Episode 11

95k: Alec Baldwin / Tori Amos

The Joe Pesci Show

Joe Pesci…..Jim Breuer
Robert DeNiro…..Alec Baldwin
Mel Gibson…..Mark McKinney
Danny Glover…..Tim Meadows
Spider…..Will Ferrell
Brad Pitt…..David Spade

Announcer: Welcome to “The Joe Pesci Show”. Here is now, my brother, Joe Pesci.

[ cut to Joe Pesci on the set of his talk show ]

Joe Pesci: Hey hey! Hey, everyone, I’m Joe Pesci! Alright, nice, huh? I got a talk show here.. talk show, with my mike I can talk into, little chairs that swivel around – I can look over here, look over there – I got everything! It’s the “Joe Pesci Show”! Alright, I’m gonna bring out my first guest. He’s a good friend of mine, I think you all know him very well. Please welcome, the one and only, Mr. Robert DeNiro! [ Robert DeNiro walks out and sits upon the couch ] Folks, this man, he is the King! I mean, he was in everything, come on – “Raging Bull”, “Goodfellas”, “Casino”..Naomi Campbell..

Robert DeNiro: Joey, be nice – people are watching. This guy!

Joe Pesci: Alright, alright! My first guest, you know from the movie Lethal Weapon”. Please welcome Mel Gibson and Danny Glover – bring ’em in here! [ Mel and Danny walk in and sit down ] Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa! You don’t say hello to Mr. DeNiro? Show the respect, willya?

Mel Gibson: Hey, Bob.

Danny Glover: How’s it going?

Robert DeNiro: Enough. Enough.

Joe Pesci: So, fellas, we had a great time filming “Lethal Weapon”, huh?

Mel Gibson: Yeah, you were hysterical, Joe. You were great as that irritating character!

Joe Pesci: Excuse me? “Irritating”? Did Mad freakin’ Max just call me “irritating”?

Mel Gibson: No, no, come on, Joe, all I meant was..

Joe Pesci: Oh, I know what you meant, “Man Without a Face”! I’m irritating, huh? I’m like some sort of Italian rigatoni rectum rash, it that it?

Mel Gibson: No, Joe..

Joe Pesci: I dyed my hair blonde in that movie, so my head doesn’t match my grill – and you come on my show and call me “irritating”?!

Mel Gibson: Hey, look, Joe.. it wasn’t an insult..

Joe Pesci: Wasn’t an insult?! Bobby, did he just insult me here?

Robert DeNiro: Uh, you insulted him a little bit, a little bit you did.

Joe Pesci: Now, it is my turn to insult you, you”Braveheart”, skirt-wearing, long haired hunk – get out!

Mel Gibson: Joe, is this a joke?

Joe Pesci: No! You playing “Hamlet” – that was a joke! Hey, Bobby, did you see Mel play “Hamlet”?

Robert DeNiro: Ah.. Shakespeare. Come on, huh?

Joe Pesci: I got some Shakespeare: Out the dooreth you goeth,and take Othello with youeth!

Danny Glover: [ sighs ] Ah, I’m getting too old for this..

Mel Gibson: Tell me about it, pardner..

[ they exit ]

Joe Pesci: Irritating, huh! How about in the middle of every one of his movies – boom! – I gotta see his ass? That’s irritating! Very nice. Okay. Bobby, how you like the show, you like what’s going on here?

Robert DeNiro: Very nice.

Joe Pesci: Okay, Bobby, why don’t you introduce the next guest? Go ahead.

Robert DeNiro: I can’t see the cue card. Hold it up.

Joe Pesci: Spider, come on, hold up the cue card!

Robert DeNiro: Hold it up, I can’t see it! Hold it up!

Joe Pesci: Come on, willya? Spider, get out here! [ Spider ambles over with the cue cards ] Look at this spooch over here.. What did I tell you!

Spider: [ stammers ]

Joe Pesci: [ mocks him ] You spooch, ya! Hold up the cards so I can see ’em! [ Spider holds the cue cards over his head ] Look at this kid, look at this moron! He’s landing planes over here! Lower, jackass!

Spider: Why don’t you hold the freakin’ card, Joe?

Robert DeNiro: Ohhhhh… the kiones on this kid, huh? You talk to him like talk. [ hands Spider a wad full of money ] Here’s a little something for you, Spider – you don’t take no crap from nobody, you hear me? Be a man! Be a man! [ to Joe ] You gonna take that from him on your own show, Joey?

Joe Pesci: Yeah, I’ll take it from him! [ whips out gun and shoots Spider dead ] Alright.. my next guest..

Robert DeNiro: What is the matter with you? You shot the kid!

Joe Pesci: So, what’s wrong with that?

Robert DeNiro: What’s wrong with that! You don’t think! Now, who’s gonna hold up the cue cards!

Joe Pesci: I don’t need no freaking cue cards, come on! My next guest is the Hollywood Pretty Boy – please welcome Brad Pitt. Bring him out here! Brad! [ Brad steps out, greets Joe and Robert and tries to sit ] Hey, Bobby, let the kid sit down, willya?

Robert DeNiro: Hey, Joey, I’m up, I’m down – Brad, sit over here.

[ Brad sits on the far end of the couch ]

Joe Pesci: Hey, uh, Brad, you know.. now that I see you in person, you don’t look that pretty. Hey, Bobby, you think he looks pretty, or what?

Robert DeNiro: You don’t look too good, Brad.

Brad Pitt: Hey, easy, guys. Listen, it’s an honor to meet you,gentlemen. I love “Raging Bull”, I love “Goodfellas”, I love “Casino”. You two are the best – everyone knows it.

Joe Pesci: [ laughing ] This kid knows how to shine ass over here, huh!

Robert DeNiro: He’s good. You’re very good, Brad.

Joe Pesci: He’s very good. So, uh, Brad, why don’t you tell us about “12 Monkeys”.

Brad Pitt: Well, in “12 Monkeys”, I play a lunatic.. not as well as you could, Joe. Everyone knows you’re the King of the Lunatics, you’re the best.

Joe Pesci: [ pissed ] Did he just say what I think he said?

Robert DeNiro: I think he did.

Brad Pitt: What, did I offend him? Did I offend him?

Robert DeNiro: You offended him a little bit, Brad, a little bit..

Joe Pesci: Let me just get this straight over here – you’re the leading man, right? And I’m just some lunatic macaroni mushroom, is that it?

Brad Pitt: No, that’s not what I’m saying..

Joe Pesci: I’m the Hunchback of Notre Dego, huh? I’m Quasimeatball, and he’s the sexiest man alive? Is that what’s going on here?

Brad Pitt: No, Joe, Joe, I was just saying..

Joe Pesci: Joe, Joe! He’s handsome and skinny, and I’m the crazy little tinny! I’ll show you crazy! [ gets up and pounds Brad with his baseball bat, knocking him flat to the floor ] Hey, hey! Now that there, that’s the “Legend of a Fall”! Hey, hey, Bobby, did you see the movie “Seven”?

Robert DeNiro: No, I did not.

Joe Pesci: Well, everyone’s gonna see it now! [ pounds Brad with baseball bat ] One! [ pounds Brad with baseball bat ] Two! [ pounds Brad with baseball bat ] Three! [ pounds Brad with baseball bat ] Four! Hey, can you believe the movie’s halfway over?! [ pounds Brad with baseball bat ] Five! [ pounds Brad with baseball bat ] Six! [ pounds Brad with baseball bat ] Seven!

Robert DeNiro: Hey, Joey, hey here’s the sequel right here! [ kicks Brad ]

Joe Pesci: [ laughs ] Hey, Bobby, what do you think of Pretty Boy, huh?

Robert DeNiro: He definitely ain’t pretty no more.

Joe Pesci: [ laughs ] Okay, alright.. that’s the show. [ camerastays focused ] Good night, folks, I said it’s over, alright, turn it off!

Robert DeNiro: Hey, hey, Joey.. you take care of the body, I’ll take care of this. [ approaches the camera ] Hey! You hear what you said! Turn it off! Turn it off! [ swats the camera ] Turn it off! Turn it off! [ punches holes into the camera lens ] Turn it off!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Notify of