SNL Transcripts: Alec Baldwin: 01/20/96: The Joe Pesci Show


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 21: Episode 11

95k: Alec Baldwin / Tori Amos

The Joe Pesci Show

Joe Pesci…..Jim Breuer
Robert DeNiro…..Alec Baldwin
Mel Gibson…..Mark McKinney
Danny Glover…..Tim Meadows
Spider…..Will Ferrell
Brad Pitt…..David Spade

Announcer: Welcome to “The Joe Pesci Show”. Here is now, my brother, Joe Pesci.

[ cut to Joe Pesci on the set of his talk show ]

Joe Pesci: Hey hey! Hey, everyone, I’m Joe Pesci! Alright, nice, huh? I got a talk show here.. talk show, with my mike I can talk into, little chairs that swivel around – I can look over here, look over there – I got everything! It’s the “Joe Pesci Show”! Alright, I’m gonna bring out my first guest. He’s a good friend of mine, I think you all know him very well. Please welcome, the one and only, Mr. Robert DeNiro! [ Robert DeNiro walks out and sits upon the couch ] Folks, this man, he is the King! I mean, he was in everything, come on – “Raging Bull”, “Goodfellas”, “Casino”..Naomi Campbell..

Robert DeNiro: Joey, be nice – people are watching. This guy!

Joe Pesci: Alright, alright! My first guest, you know from the movie Lethal Weapon”. Please welcome Mel Gibson and Danny Glover – bring ’em in here! [ Mel and Danny walk in and sit down ] Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa! You don’t say hello to Mr. DeNiro? Show the respect, willya?

Mel Gibson: Hey, Bob.

Danny Glover: How’s it going?

Robert DeNiro: Enough. Enough.

Joe Pesci: So, fellas, we had a great time filming “Lethal Weapon”, huh?

Mel Gibson: Yeah, you were hysterical, Joe. You were great as that irritating character!

Joe Pesci: Excuse me? “Irritating”? Did Mad freakin’ Max just call me “irritating”?

Mel Gibson: No, no, come on, Joe, all I meant was..

Joe Pesci: Oh, I know what you meant, “Man Without a Face”! I’m irritating, huh? I’m like some sort of Italian rigatoni rectum rash, it that it?

Mel Gibson: No, Joe..

Joe Pesci: I dyed my hair blonde in that movie, so my head doesn’t match my grill – and you come on my show and call me “irritating”?!

Mel Gibson: Hey, look, Joe.. it wasn’t an insult..

Joe Pesci: Wasn’t an insult?! Bobby, did he just insult me here?

Robert DeNiro: Uh, you insulted him a little bit, a little bit you did.

Joe Pesci: Now, it is my turn to insult you, you”Braveheart”, skirt-wearing, long haired hunk – get out!

Mel Gibson: Joe, is this a joke?

Joe Pesci: No! You playing “Hamlet” – that was a joke! Hey, Bobby, did you see Mel play “Hamlet”?

Robert DeNiro: Ah.. Shakespeare. Come on, huh?

Joe Pesci: I got some Shakespeare: Out the dooreth you goeth,and take Othello with youeth!

Danny Glover: [ sighs ] Ah, I’m getting too old for this..

Mel Gibson: Tell me about it, pardner..

[ they exit ]

Joe Pesci: Irritating, huh! How about in the middle of every one of his movies – boom! – I gotta see his ass? That’s irritating! Very nice. Okay. Bobby, how you like the show, you like what’s going on here?

Robert DeNiro: Very nice.

Joe Pesci: Okay, Bobby, why don’t you introduce the next guest? Go ahead.

Robert DeNiro: I can’t see the cue card. Hold it up.

Joe Pesci: Spider, come on, hold up the cue card!

Robert DeNiro: Hold it up, I can’t see it! Hold it up!

Joe Pesci: Come on, willya? Spider, get out here! [ Spider ambles over with the cue cards ] Look at this spooch over here.. What did I tell you!

Spider: [ stammers ]

Joe Pesci: [ mocks him ] You spooch, ya! Hold up the cards so I can see ’em! [ Spider holds the cue cards over his head ] Look at this kid, look at this moron! He’s landing planes over here! Lower, jackass!

Spider: Why don’t you hold the freakin’ card, Joe?

Robert DeNiro: Ohhhhh… the kiones on this kid, huh? You talk to him like talk. [ hands Spider a wad full of money ] Here’s a little something for you, Spider – you don’t take no crap from nobody, you hear me? Be a man! Be a man! [ to Joe ] You gonna take that from him on your own show, Joey?

Joe Pesci: Yeah, I’ll take it from him! [ whips out gun and shoots Spider dead ] Alright.. my next guest..

Robert DeNiro: What is the matter with you? You shot the kid!

Joe Pesci: So, what’s wrong with that?

Robert DeNiro: What’s wrong with that! You don’t think! Now, who’s gonna hold up the cue cards!

Joe Pesci: I don’t need no freaking cue cards, come on! My next guest is the Hollywood Pretty Boy – please welcome Brad Pitt. Bring him out here! Brad! [ Brad steps out, greets Joe and Robert and tries to sit ] Hey, Bobby, let the kid sit down, willya?

Robert DeNiro: Hey, Joey, I’m up, I’m down – Brad, sit over here.

[ Brad sits on the far end of the couch ]

Joe Pesci: Hey, uh, Brad, you know.. now that I see you in person, you don’t look that pretty. Hey, Bobby, you think he looks pretty, or what?

Robert DeNiro: You don’t look too good, Brad.

Brad Pitt: Hey, easy, guys. Listen, it’s an honor to meet you,gentlemen. I love “Raging Bull”, I love “Goodfellas”, I love “Casino”. You two are the best – everyone knows it.

Joe Pesci: [ laughing ] This kid knows how to shine ass over here, huh!

Robert DeNiro: He’s good. You’re very good, Brad.

Joe Pesci: He’s very good. So, uh, Brad, why don’t you tell us about “12 Monkeys”.

Brad Pitt: Well, in “12 Monkeys”, I play a lunatic.. not as well as you could, Joe. Everyone knows you’re the King of the Lunatics, you’re the best.

Joe Pesci: [ pissed ] Did he just say what I think he said?

Robert DeNiro: I think he did.

Brad Pitt: What, did I offend him? Did I offend him?

Robert DeNiro: You offended him a little bit, Brad, a little bit..

Joe Pesci: Let me just get this straight over here – you’re the leading man, right? And I’m just some lunatic macaroni mushroom, is that it?

Brad Pitt: No, that’s not what I’m saying..

Joe Pesci: I’m the Hunchback of Notre Dego, huh? I’m Quasimeatball, and he’s the sexiest man alive? Is that what’s going on here?

Brad Pitt: No, Joe, Joe, I was just saying..

Joe Pesci: Joe, Joe! He’s handsome and skinny, and I’m the crazy little tinny! I’ll show you crazy! [ gets up and pounds Brad with his baseball bat, knocking him flat to the floor ] Hey, hey! Now that there, that’s the “Legend of a Fall”! Hey, hey, Bobby, did you see the movie “Seven”?

Robert DeNiro: No, I did not.

Joe Pesci: Well, everyone’s gonna see it now! [ pounds Brad with baseball bat ] One! [ pounds Brad with baseball bat ] Two! [ pounds Brad with baseball bat ] Three! [ pounds Brad with baseball bat ] Four! Hey, can you believe the movie’s halfway over?! [ pounds Brad with baseball bat ] Five! [ pounds Brad with baseball bat ] Six! [ pounds Brad with baseball bat ] Seven!

Robert DeNiro: Hey, Joey, hey here’s the sequel right here! [ kicks Brad ]

Joe Pesci: [ laughs ] Hey, Bobby, what do you think of Pretty Boy, huh?

Robert DeNiro: He definitely ain’t pretty no more.

Joe Pesci: [ laughs ] Okay, alright.. that’s the show. [ camerastays focused ] Good night, folks, I said it’s over, alright, turn it off!

Robert DeNiro: Hey, hey, Joey.. you take care of the body, I’ll take care of this. [ approaches the camera ] Hey! You hear what you said! Turn it off! Turn it off! [ swats the camera ] Turn it off! Turn it off! [ punches holes into the camera lens ] Turn it off!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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