SNL Transcripts: Alec Baldwin: 01/20/96: She


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 21: Episode 11

95k: Alec Baldwin / Tori Amos


Alec Baldwin…..Jeff
Mark McKinney…..Mike

[ FADE IN ] [ ESTABLISHING SHOT – U.S. NAVAL DESTROYER – DAY ] [ EXT. DESTROYER DECK – DAY ] [ A Navy Captain, named MIKE, collects his thoughts while watching out yonder. Naval Lieutenant Commander, named JEFF, joins him. ]

Jeff: Mike!

Mike: Jeff!

[ Mike salutes Jeff, who returns the courtesy. ]

Jeff: Good to see you!

Mike: Welcome aboard!

[ Both officers shake hands. Jeff lights a cigarette. ]

Jeff: She’s a real beauty, isn’t she?

Mike: Yes, she sure is.

Jeff: How fast can she go?

Mike: They tell me she can do 30 knots, if she’s got the mind too…

Jeff: So she’s fast and beautiful?

Mike: Yes – that she is.

Jeff: Cigarette?

Mike: Yes!

[ Jeff pulls out a pack of Marlboros and Mike takes one. Jeff lights it with his Zippo.]

Mike: Is that a new lighter?

Jeff: Why, yes! She is!

Mike: She looks like a good one.

Jeff: Thanks! She lights easily and she stays lit; even in rough winds like this.

Mike: She is a rough one today. Say, where did you get her?

Jeff: Sears! She was on sale.

Mike: You know, I like Sears. She’s a good store.

Jeff: She is! Isn’t she? In fact, she’s got everything you need – from tires to brooms… in fact, I just got me a new broom.

Mike: Really? How is she?

Jeff: She’s fine! She sweeps good!

Mike: Say, what happened to your old broom?

Jeff: Her bristles fell out. I had to throw her away.

Mike: Hmm… Maybe you should have burned her? For firewood!

Jeff: I thought about it, but her handle was painted. She might have given off some fumes.

Mike: That’s true.

Jeff: How’s that cigarette, Mike?

Mike: Eh, she’s fine. But I think I’m going to put her out –- she’s given me cancer.

Jeff: I hear you.

[ Both extinguish their cigarettes. ]

Mike: Well, I better to go. I have to write a letter to my little girl.

Jeff: How old is “it” now?

Mike: Five, would you like to see a picture of “it”?

Jeff: Sure would!

[ Mike pulls out his wallet and points inside. ]

Mike: There, that’s “it” right there.

Jeff: Boy, “it” has really got big? Hasn’t it?

Mike: Yes, “it” just lost its first baby tooth.

Jeff: Time sure flies, doesn’t she?

Mike: That she does.

[ Mike departs as Jeff ponders out on the blue yonder. ] [ FADE OUT ]

Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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