SNL Transcripts: Alec Baldwin: 01/20/96: She

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 21: Episode 11

95k: Alec Baldwin / Tori Amos


Alec Baldwin…..Jeff
Mark McKinney…..Mike

[ FADE IN ] [ ESTABLISHING SHOT – U.S. NAVAL DESTROYER – DAY ] [ EXT. DESTROYER DECK – DAY ] [ A Navy Captain, named MIKE, collects his thoughts while watching out yonder. Naval Lieutenant Commander, named JEFF, joins him. ]

Jeff: Mike!

Mike: Jeff!

[ Mike salutes Jeff, who returns the courtesy. ]

Jeff: Good to see you!

Mike: Welcome aboard!

[ Both officers shake hands. Jeff lights a cigarette. ]

Jeff: She’s a real beauty, isn’t she?

Mike: Yes, she sure is.

Jeff: How fast can she go?

Mike: They tell me she can do 30 knots, if she’s got the mind too…

Jeff: So she’s fast and beautiful?

Mike: Yes – that she is.

Jeff: Cigarette?

Mike: Yes!

[ Jeff pulls out a pack of Marlboros and Mike takes one. Jeff lights it with his Zippo.]

Mike: Is that a new lighter?

Jeff: Why, yes! She is!

Mike: She looks like a good one.

Jeff: Thanks! She lights easily and she stays lit; even in rough winds like this.

Mike: She is a rough one today. Say, where did you get her?

Jeff: Sears! She was on sale.

Mike: You know, I like Sears. She’s a good store.

Jeff: She is! Isn’t she? In fact, she’s got everything you need – from tires to brooms… in fact, I just got me a new broom.

Mike: Really? How is she?

Jeff: She’s fine! She sweeps good!

Mike: Say, what happened to your old broom?

Jeff: Her bristles fell out. I had to throw her away.

Mike: Hmm… Maybe you should have burned her? For firewood!

Jeff: I thought about it, but her handle was painted. She might have given off some fumes.

Mike: That’s true.

Jeff: How’s that cigarette, Mike?

Mike: Eh, she’s fine. But I think I’m going to put her out –- she’s given me cancer.

Jeff: I hear you.

[ Both extinguish their cigarettes. ]

Mike: Well, I better to go. I have to write a letter to my little girl.

Jeff: How old is “it” now?

Mike: Five, would you like to see a picture of “it”?

Jeff: Sure would!

[ Mike pulls out his wallet and points inside. ]

Mike: There, that’s “it” right there.

Jeff: Boy, “it” has really got big? Hasn’t it?

Mike: Yes, “it” just lost its first baby tooth.

Jeff: Time sure flies, doesn’t she?

Mike: That she does.

[ Mike departs as Jeff ponders out on the blue yonder. ] [ FADE OUT ]

Submitted by: Cody Downs

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