Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 21: Episode 11
[ FADE IN ] [ ESTABLISHING SHOT – U.S. NAVAL DESTROYER DAY ] [ EXT. DESTROYER DECK DAY ] [ A Navy Captain, named MIKE, collects his thoughts while watching out yonder. Naval Lieutenant Commander, named JEFF, joins him. ]
Mike: Jeff![ Mike salutes Jeff, who returns the courtesy. ]
Jeff: Good to see you!
Mike: Welcome aboard![ Both officers shake hands. Jeff lights a cigarette. ]
Jeff: Shes a real beauty, isnt she?
Mike: Yes, she sure is.
Jeff: How fast can she go?
Mike: They tell me she can do 30 knots, if shes got the mind too
Jeff: So shes fast and beautiful?
Mike: Yes that she is.
Mike: Yes![ Jeff pulls out a pack of Marlboros and Mike takes one. Jeff lights it with his Zippo.]
Mike: Is that a new lighter?
Jeff: Why, yes! She is!
Mike: She looks like a good one.
Jeff: Thanks! She lights easily and she stays lit; even in rough winds like this.
Mike: She is a rough one today. Say, where did you get her?
Jeff: Sears! She was on sale.
Mike: You know, I like Sears. Shes a good store.
Jeff: She is! Isnt she? In fact, shes got everything you need from tires to brooms in fact, I just got me a new broom.
Mike: Really? How is she?
Jeff: Shes fine! She sweeps good!
Mike: Say, what happened to your old broom?
Jeff: Her bristles fell out. I had to throw her away.
Mike: Hmm Maybe you should have burned her? For firewood!
Jeff: I thought about it, but her handle was painted. She might have given off some fumes.
Mike: Thats true.
Jeff: Hows that cigarette, Mike?
Mike: Eh, shes fine. But I think Im going to put her out - shes given me cancer.
Jeff: I hear you.
Mike: Well, I better to go. I have to write a letter to my little girl.
Jeff: How old is it now?
Mike: Five, would you like to see a picture of it?
Jeff: Sure would![ Mike pulls out his wallet and points inside. ]
Mike: There, thats it right there.
Jeff: Boy, it has really got big? Hasnt it?
Mike: Yes, it just lost its first baby tooth.
Jeff: Time sure flies, doesnt she?
Mike: That she does.[ Mike departs as Jeff ponders out on the blue yonder. ] [ FADE OUT ]
Submitted by: Cody Downs