SNL Transcripts: Alec Baldwin: 01/20/96: Spartan Cheerleaders


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 21: Episode 11

95k: Alec Baldwin / Tori Amos

Spartan Cheerleaders

Craig…..Will Ferrell
Arianna…..Cheri Oteri
Glenn…..Mark McKinney

(opens to a high school chess tournament)

Together: R.O.W.D.I.E. That’s the way we spell rowdy, rowdy lets get rowdy. R.O.W.D.I.E. Spartan spirit! Spartan spirit! Spartan spirit!

Arianna: Alright we are playing great chess right now.

Craig: I know.

Arianna: Alright how’s my hair look?

Craig: It looks ok you have some split ends though. I’m sorry, I’m a friend.

Arianna: I respect your honesty, but it still hurts.

(Both hug)

Craig: Oh my god! He’s going for Glenn’s bishop.

Arianna: Protect your bishop, Glenn!

Craig: Don’t lose your bishop this early. Protect your bishop. Watch out for his horse. Oh that’s a great defensive play.

Together: Roll call! cha cha butchee, cha cha cha butchee roll call.

Arianna: I’m Arianna, I have team spirit, I don’t do drugs, so check me out.

Together: Cha cha butchee, cha cha cha butchee Roll call.

Craig: My name is Craig, I did drugs once, I am a spartan, so check me out.

Together: So check us out. U.G.L.Y. you ain’t got no alibi. Your ugly, hey hey your ugly. K.I.N.G. You can’t take my king from me your ugly.Yeah yeah your ugly. Not cute. Spartan spirit, Spartan spirit.

Craig: Oh my god! Guess who’s here.

Arianna: Who

Craig: Alexis.

Arianna: Alexis, I’m really mad at her. Hello, Alexis, what, were where you, I only had to watch “Friends” alone. Now I know who my friends are. Ok really. Ok call you. Oh there’s your dad. Hi Mr. Buchanon.

Craig: What dad! No you can’t use the flash in here. It disturbs the players, Dad! Arianna my dad wants to take a picture of us.

Arianna: Oh great! You just told me I have split ends.

Craig: I know I’m sorry.

(camera light flashes)

Together: Well you want a victory, well that makes you a wisher, cause on thing is for sure you ain’t no Bobby Fischer. Bobby Fischer were is he I don’t know! I don’t know! Bobby Fischer were is he I don’t know! I don’t know! Go ask your momma and make sure you listen,cause one thing is for sure Bobby Fischer’s missin’.Bobby Fischer were is he I don’t know! I don”t know! Bobby Fischer were is he I don’t know! I don’t know! He’s Gone!

Craig: Hey! Who’s that Spartan in my tepee.

Arianna: It’s me! It’s me!

Craig: Who’s that Spartan in my tepee.

Arianna: It’s me! It’s me!

Together: Ah huh Ah huh ah huh ah huh ah huh. Native Americans!

Glenn: Shut up! Are you completely insane this is a chess tournament.

Together: Oh my god! Glenn!

Craig: Your knight to rook combo was a killer move.

Arianna: Oh my god! Glenn your all over the board.

Glenn: Would you please shut up! I know I’m a dork, and I have greasy hair, and that I’ve never kissed a girl.

Arianna: Glenn it’s ok to explore your body.

Craig: Safe sex is in your hands.

Together: Sex can wait masturbate!

Glenn: Shut up! You two are are freaks! Do you know how far you have fallen when the chess team makes fun of you. You know Arianna I once dreamed of going out with you.

Arianna: Oh Glenn!

Glenn: Now I don’t even think so, and Craig I’m not sure but I think I could kick your ass. Now pipe down you losers! Oh great it’s only my move.

Arianna: Oh my god!

Craig: Oh my god! Glenn is so mad. We were trying to be nice to him.

Arianna: Oh I know what he wants.

Together: The perfect cheer!

(“Funky Cold Medina” by Tone Loc starts playing)

(Craig and Arianna dance through the rest of the cheer.)

Submitted by: Charles Spivey

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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