Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 21: Episode 12
Hi-C and Turkey
Insurance Salesman….Danny Aiello
Husband….David Koechner
Wife….Nancy Walls
[Opens with meeting between an insurance salesman and a husband and wife couple in their living room, little kid in the corner watching TV.]
Insurance Salesman: You know, actually I want to thank you for inviting me over. I know a lot of people aren’t comfortable talking about life insurance.
Husband: Well, I love my family very much and I think its time I take care of them in case something unfortunate should happen to me.
Wife: Oh, God forbid.
Insurance Salesman: Well now, look, before we get started can I trouble you folks for some food? See, I’ve been running around all day and I haven’t had a chance to grab a bite.
Wife: Uh, well sure. What would you like?
Insurance Salesman: I’d like some Hi-C and turkey. Ok, listen, why don’t I show you some of our annuity plans…
Wife: Oh, you know, I’m sorry, we don’t have any fruit juice or turkey. But I could make you a sandwich and some tea if you like.
Insurance Salesman: If I wanted a sandwich and tea, I would’ve said so. I want turkey and Hi-C!
Husband: Excuse me, could you please not talk to my wife that way?
Insurance Salesman: I’ll talk to your wife anyway I want, punk!
Husband: [gets up, angry] All right, that’s it! I’m gonna have to ask you to leave!
Insurance Salesman: Oh, oh, oh! We have taken a nasty left turn here. Which is mostly my fault. Look, I’m just here trying to sell some life insurance and help this wonderful family of yours deal with an uncertain future.
Husband: [calms down, sits] Ok, sure. Yeah, I want the same thing.
Insurance Salesman: [takes insurance forms out of briefcase] All right. Well, here’s a plan that I thought you be interested in. It involves a 7% annuity with a $42,000 top hat payment that will be taken when all these things are near the roundy one. Does that sound like something you’ll be interested in?
Husband: I don’t understand anything you just said.
Insurance Salesman: Well, will you just trust me and sign here.[offers pen]
Husband: No. I’m not gonna do that.
Insurance Salesman: Why don’t we just….we’ll take this up, why don’t we move up, our meeting upstairs? Right to your bedroom, we kick off our shoes, lay down on fluffy pillows and we’ll watch an old western movie and have some good ‘ol Hi-C and turkey!
Husband: We’re not gonna move up to the bedroom.
Insurance Salesman: Yeah, you know, that does sound a little weird. Selling insurance in bed. All right, let’s just forget all that junk and just have some good old fashioned Hi-C and turkey.
Wife: Look, we already told you, we don’t have any of those things.
Insurance Salesman: Right. Ok, let’s get back to this insurance policy. But can I say something? Your son has been creeping me out since the moment I got here.[little kid in the corner watching tv] He’s got goat eyes and he stinks!
Husband: [gets up] That’s it! You’re leaving!
Insurance Salesman: Oh, I apologize. Kid, kid, come here, come here.[takes money from pocket] Take this $20 bill, go down the block to Quick Mart and pick me up some Hi-C and turkey.
Husband: No, son. You’re not gonna do that.
Insurance Salesman: No, sir. You are wrong. The goat boy is going!
Husband: Jimmy, go upstairs. Diane, call the police.
Insurance Salesman: [upset, puts papers inside briefcase] Well, you know what?! I don’t think that you are interested in buying insurance! [gets up] I’m leaving now! I’m going to a place where Hi-C flows like wine and the turkey is thrown around like Saigon whores!
Husband: Get out of my house!
Insurance Salesman: I just have one more thing to say!
Husband: What?!
Insurance Salesman: Your wife’s a whore and you’re a pimp!
Husband:[puts up his fists] That’s it! Come on! Come on!
Insurance Salesman: Don’t you come near me! [fumbling through his clothes, opens his briefcase] Don’t you come near me! [takes lighter out and a round object] I’ll set this place off! I light up this thing, this stink bomb! And I’ll dive out THE WINDOW!!
Wife: Oh, my God! Please, stop!
Insurance Salesman: NOW GET ME SOME HI-C AND TURKEY!!!! I’M STARVING!!!!
Caption: 3 hours later.
[cut to front of the house with cop cars around, its night.]
[cut back into the living room, husband and wife are terrified in the couch, insurance salesman holds stink bomb and talks to police from the window]
Insurance Salesman: I let the kid go! Now where is my Hi-C and turkey?!
Police: [off camera through bullhorn] We have your Hi-C and turkey. Now please, come out of the house!
Insurance Salesman: You have the Hi-C and turkey?!
Police: Yes, we do. Now please, come out.
Insurance Salesman: [happy] Okay! [runs out of the house]
[4 gunshots. Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang!]
Insurance Salesman: [off camera] All I wanted was some HI-C AND TURKEY!!
[cut to a picture of Hi-C fruit can and a plate with turkey on it]
Announcer: Brought to you by the American Hi-C and turkey council. Hi-C and Turkey. They go together, like Dr. Pepper and trout.
[cheers and applause]
[fade]
Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel
