Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 21: Episode 12
Hi-C and Turkey
Insurance Salesman….Danny Aiello
Husband….David Koechner
Wife….Nancy Walls
[Opens with meeting between an insurance salesman and a husband and wife couple in their living room, little kid in the corner watching TV.]
Insurance Salesman: You know, actually I want to thank you for inviting me over. I know a lot of people aren’t comfortable talking about life insurance.
Husband: Well, I love my family very much and I think its time I take care of them in case something unfortunate should happen to me.
Wife: Oh, God forbid.
Insurance Salesman: Well now, look, before we get started can I trouble you folks for some food? See, I’ve been running around all day and I haven’t had a chance to grab a bite.
Wife: Uh, well sure. What would you like?
Insurance Salesman: I’d like some Hi-C and turkey. Ok, listen, why don’t I show you some of our annuity plans…
Wife: Oh, you know, I’m sorry, we don’t have any fruit juice or turkey. But I could make you a sandwich and some tea if you like.
Insurance Salesman: If I wanted a sandwich and tea, I would’ve said so. I want turkey and Hi-C!
Husband: Excuse me, could you please not talk to my wife that way?
Insurance Salesman: I’ll talk to your wife anyway I want, punk!
Husband: [gets up, angry] All right, that’s it! I’m gonna have to ask you to leave!
Insurance Salesman: Oh, oh, oh! We have taken a nasty left turn here. Which is mostly my fault. Look, I’m just here trying to sell some life insurance and help this wonderful family of yours deal with an uncertain future.
Husband: [calms down, sits] Ok, sure. Yeah, I want the same thing.
Insurance Salesman: [takes insurance forms out of briefcase] All right. Well, here’s a plan that I thought you be interested in. It involves a 7% annuity with a $42,000 top hat payment that will be taken when all these things are near the roundy one. Does that sound like something you’ll be interested in?
Husband: I don’t understand anything you just said.
Insurance Salesman: Well, will you just trust me and sign here.[offers pen]
Husband: No. I’m not gonna do that.
Insurance Salesman: Why don’t we just….we’ll take this up, why don’t we move up, our meeting upstairs? Right to your bedroom, we kick off our shoes, lay down on fluffy pillows and we’ll watch an old western movie and have some good ‘ol Hi-C and turkey!
Husband: We’re not gonna move up to the bedroom.
Insurance Salesman: Yeah, you know, that does sound a little weird. Selling insurance in bed. All right, let’s just forget all that junk and just have some good old fashioned Hi-C and turkey.
Wife: Look, we already told you, we don’t have any of those things.
Insurance Salesman: Right. Ok, let’s get back to this insurance policy. But can I say something? Your son has been creeping me out since the moment I got here.[little kid in the corner watching tv] He’s got goat eyes and he stinks!
Husband: [gets up] That’s it! You’re leaving!
Insurance Salesman: Oh, I apologize. Kid, kid, come here, come here.[takes money from pocket] Take this $20 bill, go down the block to Quick Mart and pick me up some Hi-C and turkey.
Husband: No, son. You’re not gonna do that.
Insurance Salesman: No, sir. You are wrong. The goat boy is going!
Husband: Jimmy, go upstairs. Diane, call the police.
Insurance Salesman: [upset, puts papers inside briefcase] Well, you know what?! I don’t think that you are interested in buying insurance! [gets up] I’m leaving now! I’m going to a place where Hi-C flows like wine and the turkey is thrown around like Saigon whores!
Husband: Get out of my house!
Insurance Salesman: I just have one more thing to say!
Husband: What?!
Insurance Salesman: Your wife’s a whore and you’re a pimp!
Husband:[puts up his fists] That’s it! Come on! Come on!
Insurance Salesman: Don’t you come near me! [fumbling through his clothes, opens his briefcase] Don’t you come near me! [takes lighter out and a round object] I’ll set this place off! I light up this thing, this stink bomb! And I’ll dive out THE WINDOW!!
Wife: Oh, my God! Please, stop!
Insurance Salesman: NOW GET ME SOME HI-C AND TURKEY!!!! I’M STARVING!!!!
Caption: 3 hours later.
[cut to front of the house with cop cars around, its night.]
[cut back into the living room, husband and wife are terrified in the couch, insurance salesman holds stink bomb and talks to police from the window]
Insurance Salesman: I let the kid go! Now where is my Hi-C and turkey?!
Police: [off camera through bullhorn] We have your Hi-C and turkey. Now please, come out of the house!
Insurance Salesman: You have the Hi-C and turkey?!
Police: Yes, we do. Now please, come out.
Insurance Salesman: [happy] Okay! [runs out of the house]
[4 gunshots. Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang!]
Insurance Salesman: [off camera] All I wanted was some HI-C AND TURKEY!!
[cut to a picture of Hi-C fruit can and a plate with turkey on it]
Announcer: Brought to you by the American Hi-C and turkey council. Hi-C and Turkey. They go together, like Dr. Pepper and trout.
[cheers and applause]
[fade]
Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel
Hmm it seems like your website ate my first comment (it was super long) so I guess I’ll just sum it up what I submitted and say, I’m thoroughly enjoying your blog. I too am an aspiring blog writer but I’m still new to everything. Do you have any tips for beginner blog writers? I’d definitely appreciate it.
I and also my buddies were actually reading through the best key points from the blog while instantly I got a terrible suspicion I never thanked the blog owner for those strategies. Most of the guys became totally glad to study them and already have in reality been loving these things. I appreciate you for simply being quite accommodating and for picking varieties of marvelous themes most people are really eager to be aware of. Our own honest regret for not expressing gratitude to sooner.
I believe that is one of the such a lot significant information for me. And i am glad reading your article. However wanna observation on some normal things, The site style is perfect, the articles is really great : D. Just right process, cheers
My brother recommended I might like this blog. He was totally right. This post truly made my day. You can not imagine simply how much time I had spent for this info! Thanks!
I loved this entry blog_title ! I check your blog regularly and you consistently produce some great stuff. I spread this on my facebook, instagram and my audience really liked it ! Maintain the excellent work 🙂 !
I think one of your adverts triggered my browser to resize, you may well want to put that on your blacklist.
I enjoyed this post blog_title ! I check your blog fairly often and you consistently produce fantastic content. I posted this on my Facebook, instagram and my followers really liked it ! Keep up the great work 🙂 !
I really liked this post blog_title ! I visit your blog quite often and you always have fantastic content. I posted this on my FB, Instagram and my audience enjoyed it ! Maintain the excellent work 🙂 !
I loved this post blog_title ! I read your blog regularly and you always have excellent material. I spread this on my facebook, IG and my audience loved it ! Continue the great work 🙂 !
I enjoyed this entry blog_title ! I read your blog fairly often and you consistently produce excellent material. I posted this on my FB, Instagram and my audience loved it ! Keep up the good work 🙂 !
I really liked this post blog_title ! I read your blog regularly and you consistently produce excellent material. I posted this on my facebook, IG and my follower really liked it ! Continue the good work 🙂 !
I have noticed that in digital camera models, special receptors help to maintain focus automatically. The sensors involving some surveillance cameras change in in the area of contrast, while others work with a beam with infra-red (IR) light, particularly in low lumination. Higher specification cameras often use a blend of both systems and may have Face Priority AF where the digicam can ‘See’ the face while keeping focused only upon that. Thank you for sharing your notions on this site.
Great post, I conceive people should larn a lot from this weblog its really user pleasant.
Regards for helping out, fantastic information.
That is really interesting, You’re an overly skilled blogger. I have joined your feed and look forward to in search of more of your wonderful post. Additionally, I have shared your website in my social networks!
As a Newbie, I am continuously exploring online for articles that can help me. Thank you
Does your site have a contact page? I’m having a tough time locating it but, I’d like to shoot you an email. I’ve got some recommendations for your blog you might be interested in hearing. Either way, great blog and I look forward to seeing it grow over time.
I think this is among the most vital information for me. And i’m glad reading your article. But wanna remark on few general things, The site style is great, the articles is really great : D. Good job, cheers
Greetings! I know this is somewhat off topic but I was wondering if you knew where I could find a captcha plugin for my comment form? I’m using the same blog platform as yours and I’m having difficulty finding one? Thanks a lot!
I’ve been exploring for a little bit for any high-quality articles or blog posts on this kind of area . Exploring in Yahoo I at last stumbled upon this website. Reading this information So i am happy to convey that I have an incredibly good uncanny feeling I discovered exactly what I needed. I most certainly will make sure to do not forget this site and give it a look on a constant basis.
You must participate in a contest for the most effective blogs on the web. I’ll recommend this web site!
You made some first rate points there. I looked on the web for the problem and found most people will go along with together with your website.
naturally like your web-site however you need to take a look at the spelling on several of your posts. Many of them are rife with spelling problems and I to find it very troublesome to inform the truth on the other hand I will certainly come again again.
Thanks for your post on this weblog. From my personal experience, there are occassions when softening up a photograph might provide the photo shooter with a dose of an inventive flare. Often however, this soft cloud isn’t precisely what you had in your mind and can frequently spoil an otherwise good photo, especially if you anticipate enlarging it.
Thanks for helping me to gain new thoughts about pcs. I also have the belief that certain of the best ways to maintain your mobile computer in perfect condition is by using a hard plastic-type material case, and also shell, which fits over the top of your computer. A majority of these protective gear tend to be model unique since they are made to fit perfectly over the natural covering. You can buy these directly from the seller, or from third party sources if they are designed for your notebook computer, however not all laptop can have a shell on the market. Once more, thanks for your recommendations.
certainly like your website but you have to test the spelling on several of your posts. Several of them are rife with spelling problems and I find it very bothersome to tell the reality on the other hand I’ll certainly come back again.
My wife and i felt so thrilled that Raymond could carry out his basic research through the precious recommendations he was given out of your blog. It is now and again perplexing just to be handing out concepts many people have been trying to sell. And we also recognize we now have you to appreciate because of that. The most important illustrations you have made, the easy site menu, the friendships you will make it easier to instill – it is all superb, and it’s making our son and us imagine that that issue is amusing, and that is exceedingly pressing. Thank you for all!
My brother suggested I would possibly like this blog. He was entirely right. This publish actually made my day. You can not imagine just how much time I had spent for this info! Thank you!
hello there and thank you to your information – I have certainly picked up something new from right here. I did however expertise some technical points the usage of this website, as I skilled to reload the web site lots of occasions previous to I could get it to load properly. I had been thinking about in case your web host is OK? Now not that I am complaining, however slow loading instances times will sometimes impact your placement in google and can harm your high-quality score if advertising and ***********|advertising|advertising|advertising and *********** with Adwords. Anyway I’m including this RSS to my e-mail and could glance out for much extra of your respective fascinating content. Ensure that you update this again soon..
I was very happy to find this web-site.I needed to thanks to your time for this wonderful learn!! I positively having fun with each little bit of it and I have you bookmarked to check out new stuff you weblog post.
Hello! I’ve been reading your website for a long time now and finally got the courage to go ahead and give you a shout out from Atascocita Tx! Just wanted to mention keep up the fantastic job!