SNL Transcripts: Danny Aiello: 02/10/96: Time-Life’s Valentine’s Day Arguments


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 21: Episode 12

95l: Danny Aiello / Coolio

Time-Life’s Valentine’s Day Arguments

Cindy….Nancy Walls
Steve….Mark McKinney
Male lover/Gay lover 2….Will Ferrell
Female lover….Molly Shannon
Gay Lover 1….Danny Aiello

(Time/Life logo on the wall. A girl taking telephone orders in front of a computer)

Cindy: Hi, I´m Cindy. Time/Life operator. Steve is gonna tell you all about our new Valentine´s Day offer. And I´ll be back to take your order. See you soon.

(cut to Steve wearing a business suit in a library)

Steve: Thanks, Cindy. Yes, Valentine´s Day is here. And couples in love are everywhere. Which can be hard if you´re single. So for those of you who don´t have that special someone this year, Time/Life is offering a video collection of all those amazing arguments you´ll be missing. The first video collection contains 10 fights, like this:

(A misty landscape, lovers embracing)

“Oh, for f…´s sake! This is Valentine´s Day! A toaster doesn´t say “I love you”, it says ” Make me f…ing toast!”

“Wait, let me get this straight–you´re saying you want to blow our nest egg on a boob job for me?”

“Hey, well 10 years ago I didn´t know you´d weigh 290 pounds– I´d rather f… the dog”

“What do you mean maybe O.J. had the right idea?”

And this Valentine´s Day favorite:

“Pop the cork”

(cut to a dramatization. A couple of lovers, candlelight dinner)

Caption: Dramatization

Male Lover: You want some more Mountain Dew?

Female Lover:(turned off) I thought you were bringing home peach champagne.

Male Lover: Well, they´re out.

Female Lover: You know, 10 years ago you would´ve been licking champagne off my body.

Male Lover: (angry) That´s it! F… this! (flips his plate of food on the table) I´m leaving! (leaves)

(cut to a beach landscape with lovers hand in hand)

Steve: Yes, you´ll get great many arguments like:

“Look, are you gonna sit there and tell me you never flirt? F… you, you shake your ass when you walk past the coffin”

“Baby, all I said is your sister´s hot, not that I wanted to sleep with her–she´s not my type, she´s thin–no, you´re not fat, I´m just–you know, just shoot me in the head”

“You say your mother cooks better than I do, your mother cleans better than I do–well you know what? Your mother can jump up my f…ing ass”

And this one:

“Keeping up with the Joneses”

(cut to the couple again, candlelight dinner. The guy pulls on the girl´s hand)

Female Lover: No, no, no! I told you, you don´t get any until after I get my new furniture, ok? Besides, you´re always too tired anyway.

Male Lover: Well, because I´m working 3 jobs! Maybe I can quit one?

Female Lover: I am not going to live like a hillbilly.

Male Lover: (angry) That´s it! F… this! (flips the plate of food) I´m leaving! (leaves)

(cut to videotape called Bed of Roses. Gay lovers edition)

Steve: And for an additional $10.95, you´ll get the gay lovers version containing some all time greats like:

(misty landscape, lovers)

“Hey, do you want me to go back and take a picture of that guy´s ass? It´ll last longer”

“Troy, all I said is that your brother´s hot, not that I wanted to sleep with him–he´s not my type. He´s thin, no, no you´re not fat. I´m just–you know, just shoot me in the head”

And the gay classic:

“Premature eruption”

(cut to candle light dinner with two men)

Gay Lover 1: Hey, I didn´t know I was supposed to buy you flowers. I made you veal, your favorite. You don´t appreciate me.

Gay Lover 2: (very gay) That´s it! F… this! (flips the plate of food) I´m leaving! (leaves)

Steve: Here´s Cyndi to tell you more.

(cut to Cindy)

Cindy: Call the number at the bottom of your screen.(1-600-LOVERS)I´ll be standing by to take your order.

(Cindy takes orders on the phone)

(Cheers and applause)


Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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