Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 21: Episode 12
Time-Life’s Valentine’s Day Arguments
Male lover/Gay lover 2….Will Ferrell
Female lover….Molly Shannon
Gay Lover 1….Danny Aiello
(Time/Life logo on the wall. A girl taking telephone orders in front of a computer)
Cindy: Hi, I´m Cindy. Time/Life operator. Steve is gonna tell you all about our new Valentine´s Day offer. And I´ll be back to take your order. See you soon.
(cut to Steve wearing a business suit in a library)
Steve: Thanks, Cindy. Yes, Valentine´s Day is here. And couples in love are everywhere. Which can be hard if you´re single. So for those of you who don´t have that special someone this year, Time/Life is offering a video collection of all those amazing arguments you´ll be missing. The first video collection contains 10 fights, like this:
(A misty landscape, lovers embracing)
“Oh, for f…´s sake! This is Valentine´s Day! A toaster doesn´t say “I love you”, it says ” Make me f…ing toast!”
“Wait, let me get this straight–you´re saying you want to blow our nest egg on a boob job for me?”
“Hey, well 10 years ago I didn´t know you´d weigh 290 pounds– I´d rather f… the dog”
“What do you mean maybe O.J. had the right idea?”
And this Valentine´s Day favorite:
“Pop the cork”
(cut to a dramatization. A couple of lovers, candlelight dinner)
Male Lover: You want some more Mountain Dew?
Female Lover:(turned off) I thought you were bringing home peach champagne.
Male Lover: Well, they´re out.
Female Lover: You know, 10 years ago you would´ve been licking champagne off my body.
Male Lover: (angry) That´s it! F… this! (flips his plate of food on the table) I´m leaving! (leaves)
(cut to a beach landscape with lovers hand in hand)
Steve: Yes, you´ll get great many arguments like:
“Look, are you gonna sit there and tell me you never flirt? F… you, you shake your ass when you walk past the coffin”
“Baby, all I said is your sister´s hot, not that I wanted to sleep with her–she´s not my type, she´s thin–no, you´re not fat, I´m just–you know, just shoot me in the head”
“You say your mother cooks better than I do, your mother cleans better than I do–well you know what? Your mother can jump up my f…ing ass”
And this one:
“Keeping up with the Joneses”
(cut to the couple again, candlelight dinner. The guy pulls on the girl´s hand)
Female Lover: No, no, no! I told you, you don´t get any until after I get my new furniture, ok? Besides, you´re always too tired anyway.
Male Lover: Well, because I´m working 3 jobs! Maybe I can quit one?
Female Lover: I am not going to live like a hillbilly.
Male Lover: (angry) That´s it! F… this! (flips the plate of food) I´m leaving! (leaves)
(cut to videotape called Bed of Roses. Gay lovers edition)
Steve: And for an additional $10.95, you´ll get the gay lovers version containing some all time greats like:
(misty landscape, lovers)
“Hey, do you want me to go back and take a picture of that guy´s ass? It´ll last longer”
“Troy, all I said is that your brother´s hot, not that I wanted to sleep with him–he´s not my type. He´s thin, no, no you´re not fat. I´m just–you know, just shoot me in the head”
And the gay classic:
(cut to candle light dinner with two men)
Gay Lover 1: Hey, I didn´t know I was supposed to buy you flowers. I made you veal, your favorite. You don´t appreciate me.
Gay Lover 2: (very gay) That´s it! F… this! (flips the plate of food) I´m leaving! (leaves)
Steve: Here´s Cyndi to tell you more.
(cut to Cindy)
Cindy: Call the number at the bottom of your screen.(1-600-LOVERS)I´ll be standing by to take your order.
(Cindy takes orders on the phone)
(Cheers and applause)
Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel