SNL Transcripts: Danny Aiello: 02/10/96: Time-Life’s Valentine’s Day Arguments

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 21: Episode 12

95l: Danny Aiello / Coolio

Time-Life’s Valentine’s Day Arguments

Cindy….Nancy Walls
Steve….Mark McKinney
Male lover/Gay lover 2….Will Ferrell
Female lover….Molly Shannon
Gay Lover 1….Danny Aiello

(Time/Life logo on the wall. A girl taking telephone orders in front of a computer)

Cindy: Hi, I´m Cindy. Time/Life operator. Steve is gonna tell you all about our new Valentine´s Day offer. And I´ll be back to take your order. See you soon.

(cut to Steve wearing a business suit in a library)

Steve: Thanks, Cindy. Yes, Valentine´s Day is here. And couples in love are everywhere. Which can be hard if you´re single. So for those of you who don´t have that special someone this year, Time/Life is offering a video collection of all those amazing arguments you´ll be missing. The first video collection contains 10 fights, like this:

(A misty landscape, lovers embracing)

“Oh, for f…´s sake! This is Valentine´s Day! A toaster doesn´t say “I love you”, it says ” Make me f…ing toast!”

“Wait, let me get this straight–you´re saying you want to blow our nest egg on a boob job for me?”

“Hey, well 10 years ago I didn´t know you´d weigh 290 pounds– I´d rather f… the dog”

“What do you mean maybe O.J. had the right idea?”

And this Valentine´s Day favorite:

“Pop the cork”

(cut to a dramatization. A couple of lovers, candlelight dinner)

Caption: Dramatization

Male Lover: You want some more Mountain Dew?

Female Lover:(turned off) I thought you were bringing home peach champagne.

Male Lover: Well, they´re out.

Female Lover: You know, 10 years ago you would´ve been licking champagne off my body.

Male Lover: (angry) That´s it! F… this! (flips his plate of food on the table) I´m leaving! (leaves)

(cut to a beach landscape with lovers hand in hand)

Steve: Yes, you´ll get great many arguments like:

“Look, are you gonna sit there and tell me you never flirt? F… you, you shake your ass when you walk past the coffin”

“Baby, all I said is your sister´s hot, not that I wanted to sleep with her–she´s not my type, she´s thin–no, you´re not fat, I´m just–you know, just shoot me in the head”

“You say your mother cooks better than I do, your mother cleans better than I do–well you know what? Your mother can jump up my f…ing ass”

And this one:

“Keeping up with the Joneses”

(cut to the couple again, candlelight dinner. The guy pulls on the girl´s hand)

Female Lover: No, no, no! I told you, you don´t get any until after I get my new furniture, ok? Besides, you´re always too tired anyway.

Male Lover: Well, because I´m working 3 jobs! Maybe I can quit one?

Female Lover: I am not going to live like a hillbilly.

Male Lover: (angry) That´s it! F… this! (flips the plate of food) I´m leaving! (leaves)

(cut to videotape called Bed of Roses. Gay lovers edition)

Steve: And for an additional $10.95, you´ll get the gay lovers version containing some all time greats like:

(misty landscape, lovers)

“Hey, do you want me to go back and take a picture of that guy´s ass? It´ll last longer”

“Troy, all I said is that your brother´s hot, not that I wanted to sleep with him–he´s not my type. He´s thin, no, no you´re not fat. I´m just–you know, just shoot me in the head”

And the gay classic:

“Premature eruption”

(cut to candle light dinner with two men)

Gay Lover 1: Hey, I didn´t know I was supposed to buy you flowers. I made you veal, your favorite. You don´t appreciate me.

Gay Lover 2: (very gay) That´s it! F… this! (flips the plate of food) I´m leaving! (leaves)

Steve: Here´s Cyndi to tell you more.

(cut to Cindy)

Cindy: Call the number at the bottom of your screen.(1-600-LOVERS)I´ll be standing by to take your order.

(Cindy takes orders on the phone)

(Cheers and applause)


Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

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